In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

My "answer" to MY opinion based on my personal experiences of how people were after the deaths of two of my children has been repeated several times now. I'm not expecting anyone to go "fair enough" but maybe reading the thread where I've answered this comment several times might be better than filling ops thread up with me repeating myself.

They clearly meant it in a thoughtful way, they don't sound like arseholes, they haven't been shy about mentioning ops nephew and sister to the op, they tried to suggest something they felt may help, and fully accepted ops no right away.

You may want to paint them as bad people, but they are trying.

I am sorry @BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneysfor my insensitive failure to read the whole thread.

Thank you 💐❤️

I think the first bit is a little insensitive but the Centre Parks thing is quite reasonable. You have a child. In the Easter holidays your child will be off school and need caring for, which presumably you and/or DH will be doing. Unless your sister becomes dangerously mentally ill and you have to stay be her side, why would going to Centre Parks be any different to looking after your child anywhere else?

YABU. Sorry, OP

Doesn’t make it less insulting

they need to just stop!!

they bare actually diminishing what’s happened keep piping up

I think that your ILs were clumsy and insensitive, but I don’t think that they meant to upset you and I think you need to separate the (understandable) irritation that is merited for being clumsy and lacking the empathy to find a better approach (and stepping back from them for a while is a totally valid thing to do whilst you are going through the grief and supporting your sister) from the anger you might also feel at them because they are not able to understand because they have not suffered a similar loss. The second of these emotions is valid, but it is not their fault. You have a lot of drain on your energy right now - try not to waste it on anything that is not essential so that you have enough for your family and your sister.

You are a kind sister. I am sorry. It is senseless and incomprehensible that your sister’s baby has died.

How on earth is it insulting?

And they have stopped after op said no.

They aren't diminishing anything, they are acknowledging it, albeit in a clumsy way.

They are centring themselves and what they need - keep offering - that’s why the person on the end of it can feel bad

a baby has died ffs!!!

they are diminishing the gravitas of the situation

we all know parents set up charities - but I think you’ll find it’s probably after they have been walking around wretching not leaving their bed or house for a year!!

it’s really insulting suggest running for charity 14 days after death - they were serious - they sent the bloody info!

think about people you know who were bereaved - did you suggest anything similar?

”oh Janet you’ve just lost your husband of 30 years but look you can do a fun run”

My choice of words are to support the OP and counter the advice from the MILs of MN which is inevitably to tell the OP she is wrong in how she feels.

I don’t know why you are making this about you, no one is inflaming you.

💯

True to form, people are more concerned about the MIL’s feelings than the recently bereaved.

See, a couple of critical care / ICU nurses here have mentioned this kind of thing isn't uncommon, and by my count 4-5 women who have lost babies have agreed.

So it's clearly not off the charts behaviour.

OP I mean this very, very kindly and gently - but you must surely see that there is a range of appropriate behaviour here. Bereaved mothers on this thread have said they would find your way of coping by ringing funeral directors totally wrong for them . My own sister has lost several babies (due to a medical condition it seems she cannot carry fully to term) and she wanted space. She would have been enraged if me or anyone else had got involved with the funerals.

Not right or wrong, just different people need different things. Don't cut them off for this. Remember if one of them loses the other in the future, your reaction may be "wrong" for them.

Take care, now x

I am so so sorry for your sister and her partner and for you @McFool I don’t blame you for being angry at the world for the cruelty and unfairness of what’s happened and for the fact that it keeps turning and people go about their daily trivia when this huge thing has happened and time has stopped. Where the F do you put that emotion? I can relate to that anger from a bereavement that happened to me. It still makes me angry (more perplexed than angry these days) thinking about the bizarre things said to me, but looking back the worst thing was not the clumsy attempts to say the right thing or even the people who started their sentences with “at least …” going on to minimise what had happened, the very worst were those who simply said nothing, ignored it, the ultimate minimising, because it was more comfortable for them.

What the right approach is and what we need from people changes over time I suppose but I do get what you’re saying about saying nothing being preferable sometimes.

I think your in-laws have been clumsy but it sounds like their intentions are good and they are possibly scrabbling about trying to show support. Hopefully your DH can do a bit of gatekeeping for you and explain you don’t have the headspace for anything else at the moment.

You sound like an amazing sister to have and I wish you all much strength at this most difficult time. 💐

Many, many bereaved parents set up charities and do various things to raise money/awareness. Many of them within a day or two of their bereavement.

It's not for everyone, but it's not a totally wild suggestion either. Op said no and they left it there.

You really do not need to tell me about how things feel or reiterate that a baby died, I am a bereaved parent, I know.

Eh? For all you know, the sister has asked OP to call them for her.

It’s the timing and yes I know you are bereaved parent that’s why I’m surprised you can’t see

your completely missing the point - they sent the info to sign up within 2 weeks of baby’s death - as I’ve already explained

we can agree to disagree and stop derailing thread by just accepting we don’t agree

Thank you!!!

In all fairness you're the one who keeps quoting me telling me I'm wrong and missing the point.

My point is they are acknowledging ops loss, and her sister, albeit in a clumsy way. However, many parents/families would absolutely want to start fundraising ASAP. How were they to know otherwise? They fully accepted the no and haven't mentioned it again.

I would absolutely rather a clumsy acknowledgement of my losses than people just pretending its not happening.

You're right, we won't agree, so it is best to just leave it there.

I think they've been kind :s Your sister is not related to them so to them it's just a very sad thing that's happened to your sister. Might also be their age? Just ask your DH to ask them to give you some space? I think that's all you can reasonably expect.

I'm just trying to think how I would feel if my son's wife's sister lost a baby and honestly I'd think it was incredibly tragic when I was told but other than that it wouldn't change my day to day at all or be on my mind (sorry, just being totally honest). They clearly don't know what to say.

I'm very sorry for your sister's loss that really is tragic.

This just sounds like more expectation on women. Baby dies the same day its born and the poor mum should start ‘fundraising ASAP’.

I think we need to stop normalising this. It’s definitely not normal in my circle.

Awful reactions, I’m sorry you don’t have more sensitive in-laws.

Women?

I said parents and families.

Some families find it helpful and others don't. There is no right or wrong here.

It's not a feminist issue, so stop suggesting it is, and stop putting words into my mouth.

Yes, women. The MIL meant for the bereaved mum and her sister to run 2k a day in January, 10 days post-partum.

It’s a feminist issue for me. I haven’t put words in your mouth. You are free to feel how you feel.

Yes, she might. I am talking about what my own sister wanted, and making the point that what the OP's sister presumably sees as support would be very unhelpful for others.

Honestly , I'm going to stop engaging with you.

You're mad about your perception of someone else's situation to the extent that you're hijacking a sensitive thread for your own reasons and I'm not willing to help you with that.