In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

This ^

@McFool my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

Grief and shock are terrible, and luckily in our society baby death is now rare so many people don't experience/ encounter it and don't know how to respond.

Sands is for anyone affected by the death of a baby so please know you can reach out for support from the helpline, online community and local groups as well as your sister

www.sands.org.uk/supportbereavement-support/sands-information-and-support-relatives-and-friends

I have a sister, and I'm very fond of her, but we aren't particularly close, and I don't love her more than my brothers or husband.

Yes I think they must! And I’m sure she loves me more than her DH. We don’t say it but we know it

They are clumsy rather than cruel. They aren't completely ignoring what has happened. The first message was just badly worded. The suggestion re the fundraising was ill judged and silly, but sent to you rather than your sister and I don't think it was meant to be cruel.
Of course it is extremely painful for you to see your sister so distressed but regarding Centre Parks-you do have to keep things normal for your children.
Get your husband to tell them that you are very upset about your sister and the loss of her baby and aren't in the frame of mind for talking about holidays.
You can see from some of the responses on here how easily misunderstandings can take root in a situation like this.
It's absolutely normal for anger and frustration to be part of the complex feelings following bereavement and the loss of a child is particularly heart wrenching.
There's a possibility that you're looking for something to fix your feelings on. I would back away from them a bit but not hold it all against them.

Grief must debilitate a person’s brain I reckon for a while (or rather a more scientific way of describing it but you know what I mean)

It really does. When I was nursing my husband through his terminal cancer and death at home, I really felt that I was coping well, keeping it all together, and making sure that he and our children were being supported by me. But looking back I made some terrible decisions. It took a year or so for me to recognise it though, and when I did I was shocked at how oblivious I'd been at the time, and how mistaken to think that I was managing so well.

This thread is causing me physical pain because I'm imaging how the OP is feeling and wanting to take her sister's pain away. I would rather go through it than watch my sister suffer.

OP, I am so desperately sorry. My friend lost an infant tragically at 6 months and as a friendship group, we were awash with grief till well after the funeral. We are many years on now and we always mark the anniversary and the child's birthday with flowers. It may not be your child, but I know you feel pain on many many levels

God love you, how awful. I think we tell ourselves we are doing well (and we are really in the circumstances) but it is easy to look back and wonder what the hell happened to our brains to make us behave that way!

When dad died he was single so we (his kids) were his next of kin (well me as the oldest I took charge). I got VERY protective of being the one to sort everything, that I knew dad the longest, and I’d do everything a person has to do when a loved one dies. I had final say on things like funeral music and the casket etc. My poor siblings it’s a wonder they didn’t clobber me. I have apologised since and I hate that I behaved that way (even typing it out is making me cringe) but I swear at the time it seemed to make sense to take charge!

I had two brothers and have one left. I have to say that there thought of losing DH is worse, so I suppose I do love him more. But my brothers are/were next in the list and losing one was horrifically painful.

DH definitely loves me far more than his sisters.

Your in-laws sound clueless and clumsy. How likely would it be for a woman to be recovered and fit enough do a 2k run at about six weeks post-partum, never mind a mother grieving for the loss of her baby?

If they had suggested to your DH that they would like to do this run to raise money for this baby loss charity and asked him whether it was a good idea, that would show that they were trying to think of practical ways to show that they were thinking of you and your sister. Their actual suggestion wasn't appropriate.

I am very sorry for the loss of your nephew.

I have never experienced the death of a child in my family, I realise I am lucky.

I do remember after a death in my family going to the supermarket and people were acting normally and I wanted to scream that I was only there because I had to buy things and that everyone else were being insensitive to say the least.

Tell your DH to sort the dates for centre parks. Tell the in-laws if they want to help then they can do some childcare or cook some meals or buy some flowers or plant a tree (you know what you and yours need).

People want to help / sympathise but don't. know how to do that. We all know how to behave when an older person with cancer dies. There is no script for when it is a baby.

I am so sorry this has happened to your family

Be angry now, but be ready to see insensitivity / clumsy gestures as people wanting to do the right thing but not knowing what to do, but not wanting to do nothing.

No, because literally anything they said or did would be grating. The family want their baby nephew back, and anything op’s in laws do would be irritating and perceived wrongly. It’s not anybody’s fault

OP I meant to say, I'm so sorry for your and your sister's loss.

OP I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

Have you read the poem “Stop all the clocks” by W.H. Auden? - I think it perfectly encapsulates that feeling you had seeing HIGNFY re how can anyone feel happy/normal at such a time when one is feeling such agonising loss.

If there’s one thing I think that is definitely true, is that everyone feels grief very differently, and at different times - there quite simply is no right or wrong to it, it is just is (and it’s shit, there’s no getting away from that). And so, very gently, whilst some people do either instinctively or by sheer bloody chance hit on the ‘right’ thing to say to someone who is grieving, it’s so very very easy to say the ‘wrong’ thing despite best intentions. And so whilst you may validly have preferred them to say nothing rather than the ‘wrong’ thing for you, I would suggest give them, and you, some grace, it sounds like they meant well even if it didn’t feel right for you right now, so just let your DH deal with them.

Oh, OP. Please don't do that to yourself.

The comments about 'it's not your baby' are horribly insensitive. I know that (again) they are likely coming from a place of wellmeaning, but they are. If my nephew died, at whatever age, I'd be simply devastated. We all know the death of a child is about the most painful thing it's possible to experience, but placing a hierarchy on what is 'allowed' to be felt is not helpful. Grief is messier than this and can't be tidied into neat categories. You love you sister. You loved your nephew. It does not make your love any less valid because you were his aunt - or because he was a baby (and this does, sadly, make a great deal of difference to the ways in which people respond to death. I know this both from direct and indirect experience).

You are allowed to feel what you feel and not to minimise it. And this need not be a relationship deal-breaker. Yes, your in-laws were insensitive with the marathon suggestion. A comment like 'hope you are okay' is clumsy, but likely wellmeaning - I've overlooked all sorts, including the 'I know how you feel because ... dog' comment, which came from a person I know genuinely loved me and who would not hurt me for the world. Context, and intent, is everything.

You are more than entitled to take some space away from this situation to regroup and be kind to yourself. It's the least you are entitled to ask. Please don't be hard on yourself. The people who know you, and and who love you, will understand and will respect that need.

If they don't, perhaps then and only then might it be time to reevaluate and shift the landscape accordingly.

@McFool I cannot imagine how distraught you are , trying to cope with your sister’s grief and the heartache you are going through.I am so sorry 😔
I think that your reaction to the MILs suggestion is ok and you are allowed to have these feelings,despite the fact she was trying to be helpful. If the suggestion was a few months later it would be more acceptable.
Doing a fund raising run a few weeks post partum is something that very few Mums would be up for ,even with a happy outcome.
Try and take a deep breath and take each day as they come . 💐❤️

@SerafinasGoosehad said what I meant so much more eloquently than I was able to - especially the unhelpfulness of the “hierarchy of grief”.

The charity run just sounds lacking in intelligent thought more than bad intentions. Very few women with a baby would be up for that a few weeks after they gave birth let alone in your sister's situation. We're used to charity funding raising for causes close to people's hearts so I think they just made that connection.

So sorry for your loss. I think another issue they seem to have is they don't seem to realise how much it has effected you.

I think your In law's comments are fine and I think YABU.

Re centreparcs just say you don't want to go this year because you want to be there for your sister. Meanwhile assuming you've got DC who still deserve to go on holiday your DH can go without you and with his DP as the whole family doesn't have to enter purdah over your sisters tragedy.

Suggestion to raise some money, not yet but one day I'm sure she will want to do something in honour of her lost son. Irs not a bad Suggestion. It's just a bit soon.

I think you just don't like your in law's.

I completely agree

I do think your in laws are being insensitive - even if it’s not what they are saying - they need to leave you alone - your DH says to holiday just you at Easter so do that

im so surprised so many are people are saying its ok

I think your sister would find it a comfort you are so upset - I think I would - like you’re not alone in your grief

In life it can sometimes be beneficial to ourselves to try and see people in a positive rather than a negative light.

For your own mental health and wellbeing OP - take a moment, think that you are going to get angry and sad at all sorts of moments and people are going to make you feel anger.

But it will not help you to direct that full rage and grief at your insensitive in laws - they just don't know what to say and that's not actually related to your painful loss.

Ask your H to field the messages for now.

Grief definitely changes your brain wiring for a while don’t be too hard on yourself - you’ve apologised now which is what matters

I love my husband more than I love my sister, and I do love my sister. Likewise my DSis would say the same about me. We feel for each other and support each other, but equally know our DHs are the main ones in our lives (apart from the DC obviously!). I couldn’t imagine putting my sister ahead of my DH, but maybe that’s the way it works for us.

I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. I think sometimes people say ‘hope everyone is ok’ just as a ‘thinking of you/ hope you’re bearing up/surviving’ sentiment/ rather than meaning ‘Hope you’re completely fine about the situation’. But definitely understandable to feel however you feel right now.