In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

See this is interesting, who says what defines who is shit at handling grief? My take in this is that you're wrong and your in laws sound great tbf.

Are you sure you're not doing the same thing with your nephew that you did with your dad?

My heart goes out to you and your heartbroken family. I think in laws are being clumsy, but not nasty. I'd say mute them for a while. You don't need to be in touch x

"I do think it’s better sometimes for people to just say nothing than the wrong thing"

But then they'd be criticised for that.

Wow, I'm really shocked. I would only have expected this maybe with identical twins.

I understand your anger but don't vent it in the wrong direction. Some people try to push through grief by taking action or planning things to look forward to. Their way is just different but they don't sound malicious, just misguided. I'm very sorry for your sister's loss

I don't think that they're being intentionally insensitive, although I can see why it feels that they are. I'd maybe tell them CentreParcs is the furthest thing from your mind at the moment and that your sister may still need you for support so you don't want to commit to going away this year and could they organise it for either later in the year or you'll have to give it a miss this year. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

So difficult to find the right words with grief - it sounds like they keep saying the wrong things but basically mean well. 'Hope everyone is ok' is a way of saying we care how you're feeling - not to be taken literally. On the charity run, yes this is ridiculous to raise at this point, but they're obviously thinking about you. On Centre Parcs, it's fine just to say you're not able to go, everyone will understand. Perhaps your kids and your husband can go away with them and gives you time to spend with your sister. So sorry for your loss, it must be awful for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the terrible time you and your family are going through

Objectivity I can't see what your in laws have done or said that's so wrong.

Can you begin to comprehend how ghoulish you are to tell a women who lost her newborn nephew not even a month ago that she's grieving wrong and that the in laws who have upset her are great?

Truly, I'm shocked by you.

Agreed

I understand this completely OP. My sister's baby was very very sick at birth and seeing her pain and terror was second only to feeling it myself. I adore my husband beyond measure but my sister has been the other half of me since the day she was born.

I'm truly so heartbroken for you both.

They might be trying set up something to look forward to? I have been bereaved and remember the overwhelming anger - lots of things upset me which would not usually even register. I am so sorry for all of you, what a horrible tragic loss.

This isn't a hierarchy as to whether a sister is loved more or less than a husband. They're different relationships and are loved in different ways.

It's about being there for those we love at their time of most need. Would I habitually put my closest friends or siblings above my DH? No, I would not.

In these circumstances, would my sister take priority for a time? Yes, she absolutely would. And rightly.

These things are not rigid, clean or with easily definable lines. Relationships can't just be easily compartmentalised in that way. They're messy and complex: no more so than in times of grief.

It's entirely understandable that OP would prioritise herself and her sister in the immediate aftermath of such a devastating bereavement. She's doing nothing wrong.

Wow. Are you okay? Thats a very intense reaction.

T

I think you’re being unreasonable. They are trying to be kind.

I think they mean well. I thought you were going to say they said something really nasty like your sister needs to get a grip or something. And maybe they meant the charity run isn’t for now but later down the line.

It's been a fortnight?! It's an insanely insensitive suggestion. Even after a lapse of time it would be nobody else's business to suggest such a thing unprompted. I'm amazed by how many people on here are accepting of this.

Me too!!!

I've answered this several times.

They meant it thoughtfully, but it was a clumsy suggestion.

Op said absolutely not and they left it there.

They are clearly struggling to find the right thing to say, but their hearts are in the right place.

I don’t think it’s your role to “answer” that. I think others are disagreeing with you that it was meant thoughtfully: it’s massively thoughtLESS.

Your “answer” hasn’t made us all go “ah, OK; fair enough.”

And as for Centre Parcs, they’re just trying to arrange something nice. If you can’t think about it right now that’s totally understandable and you can tell them to please park it up for a month or so. But your ILs aren’t terrible people for mentioning it to you and trying to put something nice in place for you to look forward to. But if you definitely aren’t interested then just tell them politely you’re going to give it a miss this year.

You don't think it's unreasonable to ask glibly if everyone is OK after the loss of a baby?!! And suggest a charity challenge two weeks later? I have never seen a thread on Mumsnet that has made me feel more like I live on a parallel planet. Wtf is wrong with people that they can't see the problem with the IL's communications? They have been grossly insensitive. It makes me think they must be very, very stupid at best.

This thread has been genuinely eye-opening about just how lacking in empathy so many are.

You have responded with admirable grace to this thread and I am so sorry about your nephew’s death, @McFool