to expect someone to travel over 4 hours to a funeral

[MurkyMo]

Would you travel 4.5 hours to a funeral of a friends parent in terrible weather and on B roads with you just getting over a bad dose of flu as well?

No - I would not. Not unless there is some back story where they did something out of the ordinary to help you when you were younger.

We have a family friend that’s like family. Yes we would definitely do that. We all speak every so often and meet up a few times a year. My mum and her have known each other from being really young.

If it’s someone you talk to every now and then but don’t often see, no I wouldn’t.

It depends what my relationship was with the person who died, or if my still living friend/family member needed support at the funeral and I am close to them. It also depends how bad the weather is, and how far along recovery from flu you are. If you are still unwell/infectious, I wouldn't be going and risk making others ill.

Some bad weather conditions are most definitely not safe to drive in, and it would not be the right thing to drive when unsafe and risk getting stranded/accidents/putting others at risk to have to get you out of a bad situation.

You don’t want to, or think you should given the way you’ve described the situation, so make up your own mind. For someone I cared about, yes, I would go. You seem to be leaning towards it’s too difficult and that’s fine too, but I’m not sure why you need your choice to be vindicated by strangers on the internet. You have several very reasonable reasons for saying no, so give your apologies and don’t go

A close friend from childhood... you must know the family well. How heartening for them if you go. You should go...you just don't want to.

Funerals sometimes have a webcast so you can watch at home - this started in covid but was still available after from some. You need the link and password - maybe you could explain the circumstances but ask if they have a link to watch as you want to pay respects/support her/wouldn't wish to completely miss it - whatever is suitable. The camera stays on the pulpit mainly so it’s not invading others’ privacy.
just a thought.

No. I wouldn't. Honestly, and i realise this might sound harsh, the person is dead. They won't know that you don't go. Only those living will realise but remembering someone is very personal. You don't HAVE to be at the funeral to do that.

My Dad didn't go to his brother's funeral - caused a real fall out in the family. Why didn't he go? Well, it was a 6 hour train journey (Dad wasn't well enough to drive) and my Dad knew his brother well enough to know that brother would have said don't. His daughter kicked right off though and my did we see some true colours and some nasty things were said (that were simply untrue) I won't talk to her now. How she reacted was bang out of order tbh. You simply cannot dictate how people grieve ( I might add, Dad was also influenced by the fact his brother didn't even attend their own Mother's funeral! And his reason was shite frankly, he wasn't ill and old for starters!)

I think in conclusion you have to respect how people grieve and how/where/when they pay their last respects.

No I wouldn't especially not if you mean 4.5 hours each way.

I would send a condolences card and write some nice memories of the person who died. And also send some flowers or donate to charity if they have chosen one.

@MurkyMo is the friend asking you to go or is it you think you should go?

Of course not, the funeral party should travel to you, how utterly rude of then to not consider it

I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it either.

My dad's funeral was 3 hours from where I live. None of my friends attended, nor did I expect them to. None of my childhood friends, who were close to my dad but barely Facebook friends now attended either. My husbands best friend lived in the same town as his mums funeral and didn't attend. None of that felt weird to me. Funerals are held during working days, work generally gives you close family Funerals only.

I appreciated thoughtful messages about what family members meant to someone. But Funerals aren't social events to me in the same way and it's not the time to see someone you used to know but don't and might never see again. You have enough on making awkward small talk with friends of your lost parent.

For the friend, maybe.
For their parent, No.

I went to my best friends mams funeral even though I had moved away. Would be weird not too as her mam was good to me and was a 'friend' to me in her own right.

I found out in a memorial announcement on Facebook my old childhood best friend I hadn't seen in decades mam had passed away 3 years ago, around the same time as my own mam. Had I A) known that and B) been in a clear head space (was busy sorting my own mams death then) I would have gone because again her mam was always lovely to me.

It's less about the relationship with the 'friend' and more the relationship I had with their mam really.

Non of my friends that knew my mam came to her funeral, everyone had an excuse as to why they couldn't be bothered even though my mam was always really generous, supportive and nice to them.

Was kind of a kick in the teeth when I phoned my best friend to hear it was 'too far to travel'. My mam never moved and they never moved, its the same distance I traveled to her house every single day back in the day. I moved away but traveled over 10x the distance (and not easy to organize) to be there with her when her mam died but she couldn't be bothered to get the bus from right outside her door to the next town over and walk the not even 2 minutes from the bus stop to the cemetery.

I didn't expect the childhood best friend to show because like I said how would she know, I didn't find out until later about her mam either.

Its not about me at all, I have tonnes of friends that didn't know my mam and I expect nothing of that she was a stranger too them and I have DH for MY emotional support... it just shows how little those that knew her valued my mam in their life though. That they had just happily used her when it suited them though.

What was your relationship to the DECEASED person? Did they open their home to you, treat you like family, welcome you with open arms through your developing years, support you, help you? That's what its about now, not how many years you haven't seen the 'friend'. If you had a relationship with the parent then its about that.

She has seen her once in 20yrs! The weather is atrocious and she has been ill she absolutely 'should' not go.

Only because they don't live nearby . I have a friend in New Zealand I rarely see yet we are close and I'd travel fo her
Maybe friendship for you means something different. As for the weather...as I said earlier an Aberdeen funeral was attended ..all there apart from two over 80s.

I wouldn’t go. You haven’t seen this friend in 20 years. I would send your apologies giving the reasons and if you knew the DP, a few heartfelt words about them and then make the effort to go and see them later this year when the weather os better and you aren’t recovering from the lurgy.

No-one is "expected" to attend a funeral. You go if you want to say goodbye to someone, or want to support someone through their bereavement, but it sounds like a handwritten card or a phone call will suffice in this case.

Yes go

A one off moment to honour childhood friendship and their parent who probably supported you alot through the years

I wouldn't risk my life to go to anyone's funeral, much less a parent of someone I hadn't had seen in 20 years.

Four hour drive in bad road conditions when you're still under the weather from flu is just being a martyr.

Donate to their charity of choice and send your sympathy.

Yeah I probably would. Did a 12 hour round trip to take my mum to a funeral the week before Christmas. Didn't even know the guy personally but it was too much driving for her so I did it.

Is there an online link? A lot of crems have them following Covid restrictions.

I did this for a relative‘s funeral as travel wasn’t possible, then messaged her family. It helped me and I believe they were touched too.

Well friendship means being in touch to me. They are in 'occasional' contact only. So yes your friend may live in NZ but I bet you maintain your friendship through messaging and sm?

Anyone going out in Aberdeen where I believe a major incident was declared due to extreme weather must be absolutely crazy.

Would I shite! I'd only be doing that for the funeral of someone I'm very close to.

You are completely missing the point...even not seeing someone, there can still be a close friendship. It's not necessary to have frequent face to face contact for a strong bond.
Us hardy Scots are out in all weathers!