Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

What?! Just ask him to write a will stating where the money should go if he dies.

Do you have a learning disorder or any cognitive difficulties? This is the most bizarre and nonsensical question I have seen on MN.

Lol just go and get advice from a solicitor .

You are way overthinking this.

Just see a solicitor. Your husband can set up trusts that allow you to stay in the marital home and any other monies to go to the children of your marriage thereby negating any issues with you remarrying. This may also protect you from care home fees.

But for what it is worth, I think you are being hard on yourself and undervaluing your contribution to the marriage.

Take a deep breath, explain your concerns to your husband and make an appt with a good solicitor.

So bizarre the way you are thinking! So divorce your current husband in case he dies and you remarry and a new husband inherited your dead husband’s family wealth… erm

Yeah, just see a solicitor to document both your wishes. No need to divorce at all. That is getting a sledgehammer to crack a nut and might not even crack the nut.

Get separate lawyers so you both have independent advice and the documents are less open to challenge by either party.

Glad you are in a better place. Do you both have a will and PoA? Might be worth doing, you can add a clause that in the event that one of you dies and the other remarries, everything is held in trust for the children. So if the new spouse was widowed, they could live in the family home, but could not sell without permission of the kids and it would then revert to the kids. My friend’s step mum was in that position, sitting in a massive mansion into her 90s, but eventually it all went to my friend, she just had to wait a while.

You sound nuts! Wtf??

You are completely correct, in the sense that, if I burnt my house down, I wouldn't have to worry about how to decorate the bathroom 🙃

Glad you've seen sense OP.

DH's parents both died about 10 years ago when he was in his mid-40s. The money he inherited changed our life (not in a retiring to the Bahamas kind of way, more in a paying off your mortgage kind of way) and while DH has complete 'control' of the inheritance (it's in accounts and investments I don't have access to) he's always considered it 'our' money and is completely transparent about how much is in there (he has only spent it on things like mortgages, house improvements, etc). In fact, he wanted to give me access to it, but it made things complicated tax-wise for me. If he, god forbid, died, I'd inherit that money from him and would use it to continue to provide for our children.

DH and I have always had completely shared finances (bar holding a small, equal, amount back from our salaries each month for solely personal spends) - we've both had periods of being the 'breadwinner', we've both had periods of being out of work or working less to be around for the kids. But the money we earn or acquire is family money. That's what marriage is...

Have you run out of gin or something?

He could set up a bloodline trust so that his children inherit if something happens to him and you remarry. No need for divorce. Seek legal advice on this.

God forbid if he did die, you should consider never remarrying as your children could lose their inheritance to any prospective husband.

I think you need to see someone and quite soon to be honest!

Stop making problems up and be thankful you are in a happy secure marriage .
Your being ridiculous.

I have never heard of anything so ludicrous in my life!!! You are happy so no need for this overthinking. Just write your wills fgs!

Im sorry, but this is just batshit. And I’m pretty batshit myself.

This is a bizarre post, i actually cannot believe its real

#FirstWorldProblems.

I suppose this is what you worry about when you've got nothing to worry about.

🙄

You can both create mutual wills, different to mirror wills which means that the terms of the will cannot be changed and the children will inherit, no matter what you do, should your DH die and you remarry.

Perhaps that would put your mind at rest.

But overall I think you underestimate severely your contribution to the marriage.

If you were to divorce you'd get half of what you currently have created during the duration of the marriage. That's the LAW. Not someone being unfair. It's to protect people like you (and me) who have been SAHMs from living in poverty later in life, should we divorce after being married to high earners.

You should consider that money as half yours. You've earned it just as much as your DH has, keeping the house running, looking after the kids etc.

You're still working. The difference is, it's not paid work but it is still WORK.

You don't value it as much as being paid work because that's how society values being a mum - it's not a paid job and therefore doesn't earn the respect you deserve, that we all deserve. But the courts do recognise your contribution to the marriage as EQUAL. So for goodness sake, calm yourself down and go to bed happy that life has made a good turn for once and remember that it's 50/50 in LAW even if it's not in your head. And start to value yourself and your role more. I know it's hard but it's important you do.

Is this the final boss of virtue signalling? Write wills ffs, no need for divorce.

What if he remarries after you divorce and wife 2 has no such qualms about the money and takes off with the lot after he dies leaving the children nothing. She could already have children so leaves the lot to her own children and nothing to her step children.

We can all over think any problem into ridiculousness.

They decided to have not one but 2 children during a recession. And is counting on an inheritance they may or may not get!!! I would say so…prove I think yes…

This is one of the most ridiculous posts I've ever read!

This!

Hi, the absolute desire to be fair but without human emotion to be grand and generous.
Your husband is hopefuly more emotionaly mature and can explain to you, that nothing in life is fair 100% and humans do lots of things just because they are driven by emotions, love.

In your case, your husban would rather loose half of his inheritance than divorce you....hopefuly :)