Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

Good grief you are overthinking this. Divorcing to protect an inheritance for your spouse is crazy. Why doesn’t he just draw up a will or wait to see if you actually do divorce then say you won’t take the inheritance. Surely if you have a SEN child plus two other children and have supported your husbands career you are fully entitled to a share of the company sale. You also probably don’t have a good pension so if you did divorce you need some of those funds to support you. His DPs may be alive for many years or could spend their money on care, travel or whatever so that is moot.

Why worry about something that will never happen?

There’s always been a bit of an undercurrent with my in laws about me not working. Hints about being a gold digger, etc. I’ve not let it get to me in the past but this is throwing me for a loop.

Marriage should not be disregarded like that! For richer, for poorer. Your husband will benefit financially yes, but he’ll see this as an opportunity to provide for his family (you and dcs) after the years of hard-graft you’ve both put into building this successful unit. Don’t take that away from him.

If your husband did die, and you re-married, I think there is something called ring-fencing, whereby you can ring-fence your assets to protect them from automatically going to a new spouse and therefore can leave them to your DCs.

I’m also not getting inheritance from my side, due to my sister never wanting to work and my mum feeing sorry for her, so she’s being left my mum’s home and me nothing (even though she gave up her council place that she had for life). My DH will be left inheritance one day and that will help US in later life. I’d rather him not get a penny if it ever meant we had to divorce, our marriage is a sacrament (Catholics) as well as legally binding and our relationship means everything to us.

I’m gobsmacked that you’ve even come up with this idea when you should just be grateful that one-day you’ll both be financially secure in addition to having a loving relationship.

Shame on you!

@OtterlyAstounding

The lottery ticket example is helpful. I don’t think it would bother me in the same way. Something to think about. thank you.

You have been working - bringing up the children is no easy task. Ignore them.

‘but one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed & walk away if they are no longer happy”. - Yes broadly speaking I guess this is right, but for you then to go on and say “but we’re very happy together”. Your whole post is very strange, over-thinking much. Just a very strange way of looking at things. Relax, enjoy the life you have, & stop centering on assets and money.

"We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later"

Don't change your mind in that situation?

It's hard to tell what's going on with you, OP. Whether it's anxiety or something more serious. But nothing that you have written makes sense. The level of overthinking to this point is worrying, and I think it would be good for you to talk to someone in real life about this, rather than rely on the responses on Mumsnet.

Of course, you can do the divorce and your ex can marry a gold digger for a couple of years who gets everything!

he’ll see this as an opportunity to provide for his family (you and dcs) after the years of hard-graft you’ve both put into building this successful unit. Don’t take that away from him.

thank you. I think this is probably exactly what he will think.

I think I’ve always felt like the poor relation in dh’s family, from the wrong side of the tracks.

@Tumbler2121 🤣 I hadn’t thought of that!

Ugh, that sounds unpleasant, and I can understand better now why you feel uncomfortable about the inheritance. Although it's obvious that you being a SAHM works for you and your DH, and your children have benefited.

Knowing that though, I think the best thing to do in this case is to express how you feel to your husband, and talk it through with him. It sounds like (from what you say in your OP) he'd be reassuring, and perhaps help you feel better about the situation?

Really over thinking it all. You are a family unit with kids, his kids. You are happy together. Please don't poison it with worry.

his kids and your kids, I mean.

Family trust

Thank you for the sense check. I think I probably need to sleep on this instead of spiralling.

There’s been a lot going on with my eldest whose been struggling with mental health problems and I think this news has just been too much of a contrast for me to process properly.

anyway ds is safely asleep now and I should be too, appreciate the replies, even the mean ones.

Yes, and who makes sure your kids get nothing!

(But surely this is a reverse, no?)

That’s okay to feel like that but always remember that you and DH with DCs are currently on your own track now together. No one else’s track matters.

You are mental. Totally overthinking it all 🥴.

There's no need to "protect" your DH. Protect him from what? You're not a monster who'd divorce him for his money and he's not a monster who'd refuse to share it with his wife. Nobody here needs protecting from anything, except you from your own self-sabotaging thoughts.

You talk about a power imbalance but there is no power imbalance, you're imagining it. You're as entitled to anything, as much as he is, because you're a team.

Your autistic child and your carer status, means you'd never be able to replicate your earnings as if you'd had a career all this time, if you did split up after the DC had all left home. So you're totally entitled to some of that inheritance in the event of a divorce. There's also no guarantee you won't still be caring for your autistic child in adulthood.

If you genuinely think you're not entitled to some of his inheritance in a divorce, then you need therapy for your low self esteem, depression or anxiety, whatever it is that's causing you to think this way. Inheritance is basically luck. Look into why you feel you don't deserve good luck.

There's currently no indication you're even going to divorce, because you're solid, so why are you even thinking about it? It's self-sabotaging behaviour to divorce for this reason. If your DH loves you it'd probably ruin your relationship too, since your "reason" is utterly bat-shit and therefore unbelievable. He'd no doubt be wondering what the real reason is and it would undermine trust. Therapy to address this sudden desire to blow up your perfectly good life and solid relationship no no rational reasons would be a good idea, rather than acting on these irrational thoughts. Perhaps you're having a mid-life crisis?

If it comes to it, you can still divorce at some point anyway and tell him you don't want to split the assets fairly, you want the split to be in his favour. There's no law says it has to be 50/50 if the pair of you decide otherwise amicably between you.

And you think the answer to their negativity is for you to ruin your life in the name of proving them wrong? Do you think martyring yourself like this will make them suddenly like you? It won't. Why do you need to be liked by them anyway? They're not gods. Or judge/jury/executioner. Stop giving them so much power over your life, your mind, your thoughts and energies. Add "people pleasing tendencies" and "toxic in-laws" to that list of things to discuss with your therapist!

Wow, this is not where I imagined the initial post was going!

OP, is there any chance you are unhappy and wanting out of the marriage anyway? And you feel guilty about it, so you’re thinking of doing it now so nobody could ever accuse you of gold digging?

That’s the only way your thinking makes sense to me.

@Changeofnameforprivacy

On a daily basis there can be any number of threads about marriage and here you are a individual who has been in a committed relationship for years who’s husband recognises her value and yet you are wanting to put a bomb underneath it all.

Seriously are you ok?

Why would you talk about a divorce knowing full well the hurt it would cause along with this ridiculous idea that somehow you should not be part of the inheritance your DH will receive?

What would he say if he knew this?

I think you need to give your head a good wobble and appreciate what you have and stop thinking if this is what you come up with.

If you still don’t see that you are very lucky why don’t you spend an hour on Mumsnet and read the relationship threads. I am damn sure that will bring you back down from your stupid idea and make you appreciate how lucky you really are.

I suggest you pause your brain from thinking as currently it seems to be spinning 😵‍💫

You need to ride out these feelings of discomfort and inadequacy that are giving you such a hard time right now.
Get therapy if you need it.

Because right now it looks like you are desperately trying to escape these feelings by blowing up your marriage. That's not logical at all.

Does it feel like intrusive thoughts? Because that's what it's looking like, and sometimes they can be soooo ridiculous they give themselves away.

Do you trust your husband? If so, listen to him and follow his lead on this because right now, your anxiety is too high to trust.

You are being utterly ridiculous. He didn’t inherit anything! He bought a company while you were together. You struggled as a family through the “lean years”. He took 15 years to pay for the company.

I have never heard anything so reckless for your own financial future and am seriously concerned with your frontal lobe. You need to get a referral to a neurologist and have a brain scan.

Are you on planet earth

you’re happy in your marriage but want to start throwing every spanner into the works.

leave it all alone. Jesus Christ this shouldn’t be keeping you awake

You are a SAHM because your DH wanted this (as well as you). He made that decision knowing the financial consequences. One of these consequences is that he is able to work a lot more because you are doing the unpaid labour. The two of you are a team. One cannot do what they do without the other.

Ignore your in-laws. Your DH is happy. So are you. That's all that matters.