Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

No, but it can certainly make sure you get the best out of Not paying it unnecessarily. My parents Will was worded so well that once probate was completed we were under the inheritance rule.

You sound very anxious and as if you may have internalised his family's views (or your perception of their views). Don't even think about getting divorced.

It would be sensible to take some advice about estate planning etc which could include discussions with a solicitor about how to protect assets and make sure they go to your children rather than to some randoms. (This works both ways- imagine you die, he remarries then he dies leaving everything to the new wife who then cuts your children out. It's not only about you potentially remarrying.) This is pretty standard stuff and it would be sensible to consider it together.

Re divorce- post-nups do carry weight in England and could be used to protect his assets (provided you follow the correct steps and what is agreed is fair). But there doesn't seem to be any need here for a post-nup at all.

He would not have been able to buy the business without your domestic support. It's that simple with regard to the business side of things - his parents sold it to him, they didn't give it to him (and even if they did, it still stands).

With regard to the cash inheritance - whether you work or not has no bearing on whether you should share in that. Some people keep it hived off, others don't -it's up to you. I definitely would consider it to be part of the marital pot - you have been married to him in good faith and (it sounds) happily for many years, and it's the luck of the draw in that situation whether one or both parties happens to have parents who have much to leave.

Marriage vows: for better or for worse.
youve worked as a team and ridden lean years, now you’ll have some good years, although nothing is guaranteed until the money is in your bank.

dont over think it. I think this is unnecessary hand wringing to be honest, in the nicest way. His assets are protected because he is married to you, who is his partner and not wanting to screw him over.

then your children will be set up in future if that’s what you both decide. It’s how generational wealth works.

Absolutely no need to divorce to protect/allocate his assets for the kids. You need to speak to a solicitor about trusts. You can legally allocate assets within the will, or set up trusts in his lifetime if the assets are that high. It would be good estate planning anyway, to ensure inheritance tax is considered.

Hope some sleep has helped reduce the overthinking. Have a chat as a family about what you want to do and then put the legal framework in place. But also let him make sure you are taken care of as well, as you mentioned, you have worked for the family and thats just the position you are all in. Thankfully very fortunate and financially secure.

This does sound absolutely bonkers without the context of you feeling like the poor relation/gold digger for 20 years.

I can appreciate you not wanting to feel like you're reinforcing his family's opinion (not sure if it is their real opinion or just what you perceive it to be) of you, especially if its something that you've felt uncomfortable about for a long time.

But your suggestion is still unreasonable, don't divorce your husband that you seem to be in a loving, happy, healthy relationship with!

Maybe talk to him about this insecurity of yours, just to air it all out. I'm sure he'll reassure you that he's always valued the very important role you've played in your family, just as I'm sure you value the role he has played.

OP you sound lovely, but this is nuts.

It's your family's hard earned money. You are not some floating, separate orbiting presence in your family. YOU are important, YOU made all this happen just as much as your DH. Give yourself a stern talking to.

And fuck your snooty, side-eyeing in-laws.

Jeez Louise - people marry billionaires for a couple of years and walk away with a ton of money. You’ve helped bring up this bloke’s kids for 20 years and are a partnership.

I think at the heart of this is you have some self esteem issues around not earning. Would you feel better if you did now carve out some kind of career for yourself?

Oh my god. Do not set up a trap for yourself out of moral reasons.

Your DH is happy with life as is so there’s no reason for you to complicate it just to prove to your in-laws you’re not a gold digger. If they’re iffy about you, they’d just find a new excuse to try and hold against you.

My ex in-laws were like that and sort of like you, I went above and beyond to show I wasn’t a gold digger. It was stupid and I regret it. My situation turned out very different from yours but the bottom line is similar, don’t make yourself any smaller just to prove something. What matters is what your DH thinks.

Hang on a minute you are happily married and both of you decided to have children which you then gave up your career to stay at home and raise whilst he built a successful business. Is that right?

Now that business partly built of the back of you being at home so he could committ to it is succeeding and you dont think you are entitled to some of it the assets from it? Is that right?

This is madness if so. The business succeeded partly because of your sacrifices in your career. He is married to you end off. Why sabotage a good relationship for what if?

I thought this was going to be a thread about him wanting to divorce you to protect his inheritance. I'm not understanding you at all. You don't seem to value the input you have put into this marriage, please value yourself

You say 'family money' - are you not part of your husband's family by now, then? Do you have their surname, by any chance? Are you blood related to their blood relatives? Do you visit or host them over Christmas?

I don't think the DH has said anything at all has he?, I think it is all OP's overthinking on how to sort it all in the future.

Just make your will to leave everything to your DC, appointing trustees in case they are still minors. That would solve the 'new man's getting it all'' scenario . Would probably make your awful in laws feel better that at least their DGC would end up with their money eventually (unless you blew it all obviously. but you don't sound the type).
One thing though, do you think if your PILs resent you/think of you as a gold digger, they might or might have already taken it out on your DH and left him less or bypassed him for your DC or a sibling if he has any..
Similar thing happened in our family where the wealthy DGPs were so determined a second wife in this instance, was not going to benefit from their fortune that they bypassed their son/my BIL.
But if you're sure he is getting this inheritance then just go with the flow and enjoy it and ignore your in laws. It's what your DH and DC think of you that's important.

That was my first thought after reading op

I do sympathise with someone not wanting their family and parents money going sideways via a divorce though.

I think it is why pre and post nips are getting more popular.

Have you heard of a 'will'? Quite a common concept.

This is EASILY the most BAT SHIT thing I have ever read on here.

You want to divorce your DH, so that if he dies you don't inherit his money? Why?

My DH is set to inherit a few million from his parents. If he dies before me, then I will get it, and when I die my kids will get it - and they're not even DH's kids! So what?

This post is bonkers

He can easily do a will protecting you for your lifetime but ensuring on your death your kids inherit his estate and not anyone you have married / the cats home if you changed your will. Available with any half decent solicitor or will writer.

I think you might be right. It is all based on hypotheticals. If he inherits (and his inheritance hasn’t been spent in care needs); If they divorce; if she were to remarry; if she were to prioritise a future husband over her own children. It all seems very unlikely, given it’s not something she thinks is fair!

Actually if you have a larger estate and a vulnerable dc you need proper wills in place
anyway to ensure their share is protected for them. Otherwise it goes straight to them at 18 which could be disastrous.

This is stranger than the post about lasagne yesterday.

Just see a consultant to get your Wills drawn up together. You can both make sure your kids are the main beneficiares if that's what you both want.

You'd be an absolute fool to do this, OP.

Not to mention how unsettling it would be for your children.

And, like it as not, it would undermine your relationship with your DH.

Only if he puts his estate into a Trust for the children. You can't ringfence an inheritance without one.

This can't be real.