Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

Not only are you assuming you’ll divorce but you’re assuming you’ll change your mind and take all his money, marry another man and allow this fictional other man to inherit the money.

If you got divorced, you’d just agree to keep that money separate if you wanted to. If he died, you’d either put it all in DC’s names or not marry anyone in the future to allow them to get their hands on it.

You’re effectively worrying about what will happen if you develop into a greedy money grabbing cow in circumstances when you’re clearly the opposite because of how much you’re worrying about getting/diseminating money unfairly!

He could write his will so his money goes to your children not you (with your agreement in writing, in case you wanted to dispute it in the future). What you are suggesting is daft.

Been a stay at home mum for years. 3 kids brought up and like you say did lions share of parenting. Albeit at no point have we ever said who does what /works or kids as being more than the other. We are a team. I gave up 6 figure salary 13 years ago (just gone back) and my husband sold 3 family businesses for lots. Let’s say no mortgage, pensions maximum (when it had a max). No money worries etc plenty for a long time & more. Anyway the point is this would never cross my mind to have felt undeserving of this wealth as it came via his family business. Neither would he or his family. This is honestly very strange to read. I can’t see any logic at all.

You're his loving wife and mother of his children. You are what he's been working for. It's OK for you to benefit from his future inheritance. You aren't cinderella.
Stop with the self hatred and be proud of what you and your husband have achieved together, and hopefully you will both reap rewards and have a lovely retirement together

This in abundance.
You have too much time to think about such mumbo jumbo, none of which is adding up

If you're not even considering divorce now, why are you even thinking about this? Just get wills written up that outline your suggestions..
Eventually I imagine some/most of this money will go to your children anyway - which I'm sure their grandparents would be fine with?

I'm going through a divorce now. Don't worry, you're not entitled to a single penny of his inheritance if you split up. This by law is untouchable.

Absolute insanity.

If you were to split up then all marital assets including any inheritances that might happen between now and then are rightfully shared assets.

If your DH were to die and you were to meet someone else then you could choose not to marry safeguarding inheritance for your DC or you could write a comprehensive will preventing inheritance of assets you bought into the marriage by your new DH.

Divorcing and putting yourself in a position where you could be left penniless in your old age is just madness and completely against the concept of marriage and a shared relationship with a spouse.

Are you drunk? Write wills. The end.

Your suggestion is mental.

You need to stay married, especially if your DH inherits or makes significant sums. Otherwise if he were to die unexpectedly, you would pay a fortune in inheritance tax.

I’m married into a wealthy family. I know, and my DH knows, that I would never go after his family money if we divorced. I would take 50% of what we’ve built together. I don’t need a legal agreement because I know what I would do.

YAB INSANE.

You need a solicitor and two decent wills. This is NOT a matter for a will writing firm, this needs serious legal (& possibly accounting) input.

I would look at some counselling for yourself as this makes me think you are very stressed to be going with these thoughts.
You have more that pulled your weight.
See less of his parents if possible.
They don't sound like good people.

I think this is beyond insane.

Stupidest thing I've ever read on mumsnet.

Op you are being daft.
Remember the business wouldn't have been worth as much without your DH input.
He wouldn't have been able to put the same energy and effort into it without your backup and support.

Ignore the in-laws you are team. And it sounds like a very strong team at that.

I have BPD and seriously overthink and consider the worst outcomes in life. I think I've finally met my match for overthinking. Op are you ok?

Ive never heard anything quite so absurd in all my days. So you get divorced, he remarries and has kids and you and your children get nothing.
Have you had a knock on the head recently?

@Changeofnameforprivacy - I am guessing you are in peri and your mind is prone to some fog/ overthinking/ anxiety/ etc.
Your contribution to the family has not finished just because your kids are older. I presume you are still upkeeping the house and doing what needs to be done for H and the kids. And - marriage is a partnership - you and your H decided how each of you would be contributing. Don't let your PIL's judgement affect how you value yourself - it's up to your H and your kids to appreciate what you have done for them over the years. And sacrifices you made - and I do consider not having a career as a sacrifice and contribution in the same time. You gave up your own fulfilment (and for many it'd also mean financial security) by staying at home to provide your kids with the best care they could have got.

As to the upcoming inheritance - there are many ways to deal with it. And if you are still feeling illogical guilt over using it - you can figure out another financial way of separating inheritance funds and passing them on to kids - for e.g. Putting it into a trust for kids and their future kids? Gifting them money for education or property purchase? etc.

So - stop inventing problems where there are none

That's not possible.

Thanks for the sense check everyone.

I’m feeling a bit more… ahem sane today. It’s a bit embarrassing now, reading that back

I’ve been under a lot more strain than I even realised. It’s been a very tough period with ds, and some of the support we’ve put in place for him has put us under financial strain. I think the shock of dh’s news (he was holding back on saying anything until it was agreed) just threw me for a loop. It’s weird to have felt like we were living on the back foot, and then suddenly be contemplating these sums of money.

I’m not even sure why the gold digger thing was resonating so hard for me last night. Normally I shrug my mil’s daft opinions right off. I’m actually a bit surprised at myself.

I haven’t said anything about any of my incoherent and bonkers ramblings to dh, thank goodness!

,

Glad you haven't said anything to DH.
But please ignore the Golddigger comments.

Yeah the gold digger comments are horrible - you've a good and long marriage and children. Just ignore completely.

Your MILs daft opinions got to you when you were feeling vulnerable.

Glad you can see things more clearly now x

Very very weird suggestion illogical and will upset and no doubt confuse your children, it’s a nonsense.

You must be thinking of divorcing him at some point, or else you would never have thought up all this junk - if you were happy, in live, committed you wouldn't even think it.

And its not a strength of marriage that you can just walk away, that's not what marriage is all about, not in the vows - its only been made easier so it can cause less harm IF it has to end, not to encourage casual divorce (although that has been a side effect).