Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

This!

As so many pp have said - bonkers Mumsnet at it's best!

I'd at least describe you as the overthinker type;
Who's tied herself in knots
Don't you have enough on your plate already?
Just concentrate instead on that
Not whatifs and whatnots

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me

go and see a solicitor and they can advise you how to set up a will and your estate to avoid this happening, you don't need to divorce (which can be difficult if you intend to stay together ). it can be done and you can also ensure you own the house in a particular way to prevent this and care home fees from either of you swallowing up the entire house but only one half.

ok, so where this logic came from ?

Write mirror wills and if he does die first and you decide to remarry go see a solicitor to protect your childrens inheritance. That's all. No big deal.

This is mad. Op, you do realise that you are entirely capable of deciding NOT to remarry and NOT to take your dh's inheritance in the unlikely event of a divorce. No one is holding a gun to your head.

I would look ahead and get POA for you both in place.

And in regards your Wills... will your child with autism be independent? If not consider putting his inheritance into Trust.

Joint Tenancy vs. Tenants in Common: Changing how you jointly own your home from a "joint tenancy" (where the property automatically passes to the surviving owner) to "tenants in common" is a crucial first step for a trust strategy. This allows you to legally separate your share of the property and leave it in a Will to a trust, rather than directly to your partner

Trusts: Placing your property into a trust (such as a life interest trust or a discretionary trust) can be an effective way to protect it. This needs to be established while you still have the mental capacity to do so. A common arrangement involves leaving your share of the property in trust for your partner (so they can continue living there), with the capital eventually passing to your children. This ring-fences your share from being used for your care costs after your death [1].

go and talk to a solicitor who specialises in wills

So you want to get divorced so your husband can keep the money in case you get divorced?
This makes no sense. If you do get divorced in the future just don’t take the money, you are not compelled to take 50/50 you can negotiate any settlement you want.
Just enjoy the money and see where life takes you.

You’ve given this man 20 years of experience your life, three kids, dinner cooked, a home kept and love - these are meant to be the most important things to a man. You’ve earned your keep. When you married, you took vows. You’re a family and a team.
Don’t even think about divorce! You haven’t even had the inheritance yet. And if you do, and DP shares that with you, accept it. Unless you’re planning to split up because you don’t want to be with him any more.

But what if the grandchildren divorce and half the money goes to their spouses and out of the family 😵‍💫. OP stop overthinking!

What an odd post!

Of course you should get the money as you can then pass it on to your kids.

If he died he would want you to have it. Just dont remarry!

It's way more likely (statistically) that he'll buggar off with someone than you so stay married and protect yourself, fgs!

I understand where you’re coming from to a degree, OP.

I used to earn comparatively to DH, but after having our first baby dropped to part time. My career progression has paused, whereas DH has been promoted a couple of times plus has his own side business - he earns significantly more than I do. We now have 3 children and I do the lions share of the parenting and housework, so I contribute in a tonne of ways (but unpaid).

DH’s family is a lot more well off than mine. This has become abundantly clear of late, as my MIL is sadly battling stage 4 brain cancer and the oncologist’s preferred treatment is no longer an option. There have been a lot of discussions surrounding wills and inheritance of late. Her estate will be worth over 2mil, leaving DH and his 3 sisters with at least $500k each. This would also make the 4 of them the sole inheritors of their grandfather’s estate when he passes (around a million) and their great aunt’s when she passes (1.5 to 2mil). On the other hand, my mum’s estate will be lucky to be 500k and I don’t expect to see anything at all from my dad (my step mum is younger than him so I’d expect him to pass first, and they also have 2 children together who will understandably be her priority - they’re both teenagers, whereas my sisters and I are all adults with children of our own).

It’s not about the money - of course, we would prefer all of these people to remain alive and well - but the reality is that they won’t be here forever and their estates will be inherited by children/grandchildren. DH has mentioned a few things regarding his mum’s will and, to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable. It’s not my money and I feel like I should have no say. If we ever split, I’d like to think I’d not lay claim to any of that money (although it becomes harder when DH wants it to go towards a house - I’d still be helping pay off that mortgage/doing all housework). And if DH ever passed, I’d put the money aside for our DC.

If you tell DH you want a divorce for the reasons you’ve outlined, it’s so beyond belief he will think you are having an affair and want to make sure you get half the assets before you leave him. He won’t trust you again.

Imagine if he came to you with the same story you’d be on here asking if we thought he had another woman and we’d all be saying yes!!

Are you secretly sick of your husband and looking for an excuse to leave him? 😂

stop stressing over impressing his parents with your martyrdom. You have made a very valid contribution and supported him to be in this situation. To leave would be madness. Fuck what they think!

I think if I were your DH, I would feel upset and insulted if you suggested divorce for these reasons. Don’t let the PILs get under your skin so much that you put your relationship in jeopardy. If you feel that the balance of power in the relationship will change in a negative way because of the money, talk to him about this.
Your husband has done an amazing deal. He’ll be feeling really excited about it. Celebrate with him. Don’t ruin it for him but throwing the marriage under the bus.

@Changeofnameforprivacy

Well done! Great, insightful, reflections.

It was just a shock. Enjoy the change of circumstances and all that comes with it. It sounds like you’ve earned it! For better and for worse, not just for worse! Enjoy the better too!

Lean on support. Maybe consider some therapy?

Reading this I feel you may be looking for a get out card, I feel you hold slight resentment and now before arguments come about you want to leave a loving relationship? It can't be that solid if divorce has entered your thoughts, I think you need to consider why you are in such a tis because throwing away 21 years over money is pathetic, do a will that puts in place who should get what and when, I'd say there's more to this story then being told :( poor guy thinks he's winning and the wife wants to do over because she don't want the money 🤷🥴 I'd say you need to sit and really speak about it all because it will just breakdown and cause more resentment between you and the kids will be effected, no one can divorce and live in same house without it effecting the emotional needs and feelings what's the point ! 🫣

OP, I'm a solicitor and whilst I obviously can't advise you, I can categorically tell you do not need to get divorced to protect DH's inheritance. There are a plethora of very common structures used in Wills to get around this exact issue of spouse 1 dying first and ensuring that spouse 2 is still supported but doesn't give all the money to the tennis coach. I implore you to see a proper solicitor and put sensible Wills in place.

I agree with this post. It sounds like you ruminate these thoughts in your head until you think they are rational. They are not rational. You sound critically over anxious to even be having these thoughts in the first place. Your DH can make a will. If he left you wealthy you don't have to remarry. Maybe talk to your DH to let him know these strange and silly thoughts you are having.

I think you are overthinking this! My husband has a trust fund and I said, (in front of my MIL) that if we ever fell out of love then I wouldn’t take any of his inheritance, but, if he cheats on me I’ll take half! My MIL laughed and said ‘fair enough’! Obviously this is tongue in cheek but my point is that you would have the opportunity to make these decisions when it came to divorce proceedings, you wouldn’t be forced to take his money.

It’s great being married to someone you love, being divorced wouldn’t be the same.

There are enough problems in life without making more for yourself.

Leave things as they are.

This is such a nonsense post as I feel
you may have made it up, which, if true, is aweful as there are people who reach out on this forum with real concerns hoping for insight.

You can have a post nuptial agreement drafted, this covers situations like this ( if they really need dealing with at all). PM me.