Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

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Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

I assumed the last paragraph was going to be my DH is having affair / he’s abusive / I loathe him etc etc. But you’re happy in your marriage so why on earth are you worrying.

I can tell you feel guilty about being a SAHM and feel you need to justify your stake on the inheritance - you don’t. You’ve been married over twenty years it’s joint money.

You need to talk to your DH about this, from a position of protecting your DC's future. The grandparents could leave part of the inheritance directly to them in a trust. Your DH could leave everything to his DC in his will, with some provision for you.

If you were to remarry, you can make a will that leaves everything to your DC.

You can choose to do the decent moral thing if you divorce and not take the inheritance.

Putting aside the fact that this is really odd thinking, you know that if you got divorced and your DH died, inheritance tax would become payable on the estate? So you would actually be putting him and your DCs in a worse financial position. Better that you inherit it tax free, live on it - including any care costs you may need - and then pass a smaller sum onto your children who haven’t had the stress of funding your care.

And this worry about you re-marrying and someone else inheriting - that’s in your control! Just don’t get married again! Or do, but make a will leaving it to your kids.

There must be something much deeper going on, OP, for you to be thinking like this. But you need to get a grip!

Set aside all this financial stuff.

Are you happy in your marriage?

Do you envisage enjoying spending your old age together?

I have inherited money. My husband hasn’t and won’t. His parents are well off, but hell bent on never giving any support in life or in death, despite receiving a lot themselves. I’ve never once ring fenced assets. It’s different when couples meet later in life, but we met young when we had nothing and built a life together, with joint choices on careers, housing, cars etc. You can’t unpick that. Just reassure him you don’t plan to divorce and if he left you you wouldn’t want to cause him harm, as it ultimately harms the kids.

dont forget too that some of the wealth of your inlaws comes from your own family jointly struggling to buy their business from them, over 15 years. The same business that I assume your DP worked for, and gave them a big income during fatter times. You didnt just inherit the business, you paid for it between you, and the money went to your PIL.

If he’s sensible he will do a deed of variation to skip a generation.

But I don’t think that’s the issue here. I think he needs to realise the divorce can be expensive and he is lucky to have a loving wife, so he should stop undermining his marriage by casting aspersions about her intent to steal his inheritance.

WTF this has to be the dumbest thing I have ever read. I am sorry be so blunt. If you want to make sure you don't get any of your husbands inheritance, ask him to draw up a will saying if he dies, the money goes straight to the children....simple. I don't really expect to get my dh inheritance nor do I expect him to get mine, it will go to the children. Actually, I do not mind if he needs it, but what I don't want is the money going to someone else, as my mother would not want her hard earned money going out of the family to someone else. She wants it going to me and then to my kids (her grandkids) and not some other person.

I agree with @NettleTea , your husbands work has benefitted the company, which has in turn benefitted your parents in law. You keeping the family running behind the scenes has kept him able to work full time and not burn out.

Also, it makes more financial sense in the event of an untimely death of your partner (god forbid) that you inherit the money tax free and spend it on the children’s education/car/family holidays/house deposit etc and then your own health/social care, before they inherit it and have to pay a big chunk of it to HMRC.

I hope you don’t overthink it and blow up what sounds like a happy family. The divorce fees would also take a chunk out of any inheritance pot!

Scenario is bizarre. You have several children with this man, both working hard (in different capacities). Unless the marriage is and always has been unstable why divorce?
A solicitor would advise a water tight Will protecting your interests and that of the family.

• We realised without a Will in place not only did the government step in and say thank you very much for the inheritance tax, our son as a minor could have lost his inheritance to his uncle if anything happened to us. A will covers all eventuality (which happens and did when our daughter died before us).

By the way, a dear friend was a ‘sahm’ until her 50s and came to work part time for pin money. He husband’s business was good he was away a lot on business. Turned out he had ‘another family’ his secretary and children living a very much high life. It turned out badly for him in the divorce, my friends solicitor proved she had supported him throughout the marriage and that business wouldn’t have happened without her and half the second home was also hers since he wasn’t (yet) married to the woman living in it and therefore a tenant. He thought folding the business would make it solely his own and that his dependents (wife and sons) would be excluded from the profit.

Proper divorce solicitor could take your husband to the cleaners.

Absolutely crazy to do this IMO.

If it really is that important to you, then you could just have a plan in your own head that if you were ever to split then you would let him keep the lions share of whatever the firm sold for/inheritance, it doesn't have to be legally binding for you to adhere to it.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone, but that seems to be where the motivation is coming from here.

Those threads about money/wills are getting weirder and weirder.

I really hope the op has taken the feedback on board. Seriously this thinking could not be more irrational. Celebrate the business success. Continue supporting your family. See someone if you keep thinking absolutely crazy things like you should divorce him now.

The other thing to consider is if you divorce now, fine, money is separate, but then what if you do split? What if he remarries and leaves everything to his new wife.. your kids could be completely cut off.

You need to stop being so daft.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

Why are you worrying about marrying another man who you haven't met in a scenario that hasn't happened yet?

This sounds like the most bonkers fever dream ever! Totally bizarre

It's the sort of thing I come up with in the middle of the night! I'm actually relieved to see someone else has about as much financial savvy as me.

OP bless you, I hope you can relax a bit and enjoy a happy marriage and a comfortable future! 💐

Don't be daft.

If you divorce you can make whatever agreement between you that you want. Even if a court orders something else, you don't have to do it, noone checks.

You want to divorce your husband to protect your children against you remarrying and giving their inheritance to your new husband?

This is crazy thinking. Is it a reverse written by the man actually?

If it is genuine - the only remotely plausable concern is the possibility that he predeceases you and you remarry - if you don't at that point remake yor will ringfencing your first husband's wealth to be inherited by his children then yes some of that wealth could go into the "wrong" family. Getting divorced to guard against that scenario is like using a nuclear bomb to swat a fly. You just... make sure that your Will is kept up to date if that ever happens.

Over the last 18 years you have operated as a partnership and every penny of the wealth is just as much yours as his. As husband and wife you are a team and he would not be where he is without you. Neither of you gets to keep this wealth forever though, there are no pockets in a shroud. When you die it will be inherited by your children, and when they die it will go to your grandchildren. The inheritance from his parents is on this same track and eventual destination.

While you stay married, there shoukd be no concept of "yours" and "his" - everything is owned jointly including his inheritance and it doesn't matter. If you divorce it is right and proper that everything is split 50:50 because the point and purpose of marriage is to tie two people together into a partnership where both prosper equally - either both rich or both poor. That was what gave you thr stability to birth and parent his children who will inherit the wealth.

Wills don't make any difference to inheritance tax.

I am an M&A tax advisor and we always tell clients selling their companies that a transaction is a great time to not only think about the tax on the transaction itself (and I hope your husband has thought about that especially with a 3.5 year earn out which is at the lengthier end of the EO scale) but also what comes next. IHT planning immediately before a transaction to get shares (rather than cash) into a trust and so benefit from BR/BPR as well as succession planning and how much money you will have need in the future is highly recommended. Many firms including mine have both wealth and tax planning advisors who work together to help you think about this stuff with no charges for introductory meetings.

Maybe if you show your in-laws that you are thinking about stuff like this, how to ensure the kids benefit but in a structured, responsible way this will lighten your mental load and reassure them to (not that I think you need to in any way - you have more than done your share of allowing him to build up this company etc but I have a similar situation with my parents and their attitude to my husband who has been the SAHP AND literally built our house while I was the main financial earner so I get the weirdness).

Im beginning to think this isn’t genuine and is written by some MRA to generate debate over whether women are entitled to marital assets. Or maybe to present some weird view about how a woman would ideally act if she wasn’t at heart a gold-digger. The fear around remarriage in particular seems made up because if you’re that worried, don’t get remarried. So bizarre.

In the scenario where the OP selflessly divorces her DH so that she can't benefit from his money, there is nothing to prevent him marrying somebody else who would be quite happy to have all of his money.

Assuming that they stay together and only pretend to be divorced, the only people who benefit will be HMRC who will presumably get paid early because the marriage rules won't apply.

Just don't get remarried. Stop being weird about this!

If ge wants to keep his inheritance from you and stop it counting as joint marital assets he can keep those funds separately and not spend them on the family.

He can also leave the money to the children In his will or set up a trust.

You don't need to divorce. Also if you get divorced just because you can take something don't mean you have to or you should.

I think at this stage you spent a lifetime together. Your contribution isn't worth less than his. Without you he wouldn't have the family or home that he has.