DUMB SHIT People say

[OneDearFawn]

I eat in a local restaurant weekly after work, so I typically go in with no makeup on. I am 35 and suffering with really painful cystic acne. Tried everything, my face is a mess.

Anyway, I go in on New Year’s Eve fully made up in makeup. The owners wife turns to me and says, wow, I didn’t even recognise you with makeup on, you look so much better with makeup on. After seeing I was embarassed and me mumbling ahh I suffer with my skin she stands and lists all the things allergy, hormones, everything as though to help. Yet making me feel worse and more of a spectacle. What she was saying is. God you look dog rough when I see you in the week. You should continue to paint your face to hide the offensive marks. I didn’t fucking appreciate it. Not one bit.

So got me thinking. What dumb shit have people said to you that ruined your day?

Myself and my husband had been trying to conceive for years, we then did multiple rounds of ivf and none worked. I was then diagnosed with bowel cancer and had surgery to remove it, however during the operation the surgeon found that the cancer had spread to my ovaries and uterus. When I woke up in ICU the surgeon very sensitively told me that he’d had to perform a full hysterectomy as well as the bowel resection and so not only was I waking up with a stoma but I would now go through the surgical menopause at the age of 29 and would never be able to become pregnant. Once he left the room the nurse told me ‘everything happens for a reason’ 🙃

A PP poster said it perfectly - saying nothing is best. I’m so sorry you had to go through that it must have been a very painful and traumatic time

People are so rude.

Someone asked me if I was pregnant, when I said no she carried on talking about it, asking why is your belly so big, it looks like you are pregnant, do you just have a round belly. This was after I’d lost 4 stone, was never asked that before weight loss.

When I was a student nurse, I once went to my hospital placement makeup free (I was probably running late) and being 17/18years old, didn't think much of it. My supervisor from Uni came to see me and told me I looked terrible and sent me home sick! I didn't mind at all (free day off sure!) but how insulting. LOL.

I’ve noticed that the most common usage of the term ‘sheep’ to describe people seems to originate from consuming social media posts about people with specific political views. It’s quite ironic and at times, seemingly self-descriptive.

Ex colleague - did you have kids with your ex husband? I said no as we had trouble conceiving and she said oh well its too late now. I was 30 and now have 2 with current dh.

Random in the supermarket - cheer up it might never happen. The day I was told my gran was dying.

My darling mother who knows I suffer from ED and stress related alopecia:

Oh grand youre losing your hair why is that?

I have trousers that'll fit you because you have a bigger arse than me.

Oh, my DD has had that. Worst one was DHs grandmother saying to me Are you sure the doctor said autistic? She looks the same as always.
Well yeah, her appearance hasn't changed just because she's been diagnosed.

Not a compliment to say you look better when we can't see your real face.

Not the worse insult I've ever had, but a friend recently told me I looked tired after I'd made a huge effort when we were going for a night out. I'd just had a new hair cut and highlights, my make up was perfectly applied and I'd bought a whole new outfit.

People say a lot of shit, never more so when you have a baby in tow - people ie, old ladies, used to comment freely in my two - they’re 20 months apart and i got asked if they were twins (!!), is their dad good looking, why hasn’t she got socks on (prob kicked them off!). All sorts of nonsense.

Re your acne - my now adult DS has been on roaccutane for 6 months (was about a year wait for dermatology and he dithered for a long time about it), but it’s like a miracle. He does have a history of MH issues but the dermatologist consulted his MH tem and they agreed he could go in it. They do monitor you very closely. Nothing else worked for him and we tried all the antibiotics, washes, creams etc (was mainly in his back/chest and a bit in his face).

When I was pregnant and throwing up every morning, my FIL told me that you didn't have to have morning sickness when you were pregnant. (MIL hadn't had it so he just seemed to assume that lots of pregnant women CHOSE to be sick.)

You win!

My best friend to me after i told her i was at rock bottom and feeling suicidal:

”I’d be devastated if you decided you couldn’t carry on anymore but I wouldn’t blame you.
Your life has been pretty shit the last few years and nothing ever seems to go right for you, I can understand why you’ve had enough”

I couldn’t stop thinking about it wondering if I was unreasonable to be hurt as she seemed certain she was being supportive.

I am in group and 1-1 therapy and when I shared this everyone that I told was horrified and some people in group said that might have pushed them over the edge.

Same friend has also made comments of:

”I had £2000 in my loose change jars when I counted last week, it’s taken 3 months to fill them”
(This was after I bought a piggy bank online and was thrilled I’d saved £270 in 8 months)

”£150,000 a year isn’t much money at all to live off these days”

”Your house is going to get damp if you don’t keep the heating on overnight”

“I was feeling low myself but I think having 5 holidays this year has helped”.

“It’s lucky you don’t have any kids to worry about when you are feeling so depressed”

I would be less resentful if she worked hard for the money and holidays but she never has and gets benefits for herself and her kids, her ex husband pays £2000 a month “child benefit” (isn’t counted when benefits are awarded) and pays for multiple holidays as he’s very wealthy and she kept the 5 bedroom family home that is mortgage free after they divorced.

I’m constantly struggling for money and the message about the £2000 in loose change and the heating was after a conversation where I mentioned I was struggling to choose between buying food or putting the heating on - who keeps it on all night anyway?!
I can’t have children so the comment about not having kids was especially thoughtless.

I have distanced myself and put it down to her having ASD and not realising she’s being hurtful. I was feeling bitter comparing our situations so it doesn’t matter if her comments were intended to hurt or not I think it’s for the best to step back for now.

I found the comments on this thread interesting about female friendships and how some people use their friends to make themselves feel better and it really resonated and made me feel a bit better knowing it’s not just me.
I’m glad I found this thread as it’s given me a chance to vent but I also will look at my friendships a bit closer, thank you OP!

I hate that. When I didn't have kids, people would always assume I did and then be completely taken aback when I said I didn't. One said, 'oh you look like the type of person to have kids' What on earth...?! They didn't know anything about me at all. I can't imagine being that insensitive. I have never had the need to find out if anyone has children or not (or even a partner).

A new work colleague once asked me if I had children and how old were they. I said I had two DD four years apart. 'What happened to the one in between?' he asked, I suppose as a joke seeing as two years is a common age gap. As it happened, the 'one in between' had been stillborn but I didn't tell him that. Even now, 40 years later, I think what a stupid question it was.

Wow! Patronising or what?

This used to upset me so much as someone struggling with infertility and repeated miscarriages/ectopics - "Ha ha, you can babysit whenever you want" or "At least you know you can get pregnant". Like telling a starving person outside the supermarket that at least they can see the food through the window.

My mum ran into the father of a school friend of mine. During conversation he asked if I had got my university place yet. Very proudly my mum said "Yes, she's going to Cambridge." He paused, thought for a minute and then said, very sympathetically, "Couldn't you get her in local?" Geordies. Got to love them.

I feel for you, OP. I have had a lot of cystic acne in the past, but it tended to be one huge lump at a time, usually on my chin. I belatedly found out that dermatologists can inject it with something that makes it go away, but that info came thirty years too late!

The only thing I found helped was to soak a hot flannel or muslin in hot water, wring out, and hold over the cysts. It encourages the pus to dissolve.

@OneDearFawn I have skin problems. I can't tell you the amount of times I've been stopped in the street or in a shop by strangers who demand to know what's wrong with me. It's horrific.

a cleaner in hospital once asked me if I was pregnant because I was very fat around the stomach. I'd just miscarried at 11 weeks and was in hospital with my toddler who was having very scary emergency surgery.

2 years after my son was born, and having still retain weight gained in pregnancy, I went for an ovarian scan due to PCOS. Arrived at the desk and was asked if I was there for a 20 week pregnancy scan. FFS. I know I was fat, but never ever presume!

Rosacea runs in my dh’s family so my daughter has a touch of it, when she was a baby one of my coworkers (i worked in a nursery) kept saying how rosy she always is - yes she has rosacea was my answer every time. Why do we need to keep bringing it up? 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP, I knew you’d get recommendations for roaccutane, as though it’s not a really fucking dangerous drug.

I've had a couple of stunningly beautiful friends in my time, and their overall experiences of other women were markedly worse than mine, sadly.

Wow just wow, did you report the comment?