What’s with all the hate for SAHM

[Howarewealldoing]

Following on from a post yesterday( who did work) but everyone assumed they didn’t. If they don’t sign on ,I don’t understand all the negativity. Or why some people get so worked up about something that doesn’t affect them .

My previous line manager was amazing in that respect. He was the one who took the majority of the shared parental leave and then was part-time (0.6, then 0.8) because his wife was the 'breadwinner'. He did all of the drop-offs, pick-ups, sick days, clubs, dinners, bedtimes. He therefore just got it and afforded everyone in the team immense flexibility.

Yes, it's not long ago really that sahms were called, "full time mums". I worked pt when ds was between the ages of 9 months and 5. He was cared for by 2 wonderful sets of gps whilst we worked. Viewing someone with dc as being the opposite to a "full time mum" because they work (in any capacity) is very insulting.

It feels like stay-at-home mothers have attracted a lot of negativity on Mumsnet for years, and lately it’s been particularly sharp. People often frame it as women “not supporting other women”, but I think it’s more uncomfortable than that — most of us feel uneasy when someone makes a life choice that doesn’t resemble our own. Right now, SAHMs seem to be the lightning rod for that discomfort.

There’s also a strange double standard at play. We tell women that unpaid labour has “no value”, then act shocked when no one wants or is able to do it.

SAHMs aren’t idle. They’re providing full-time childcare, domestic labour, emotional labour, and often the logistical glue that keeps a household functioning — work that would cost tens of thousands a year to outsource. The fact that it doesn’t appear on a payslip doesn’t make it worthless.

For many families, one parent stepping back isn’t a lifestyle statement or a lack of ambition. It’s a pragmatic decision shaped by childcare costs, inflexible jobs, children’s needs, or sheer economics.

We should be able to support women who work full-time and respect women who stay home. Pitting mothers against each other only props up a system that consistently undervalues care in every form.

Choosing to raise your own children isn’t laziness. It’s labour society depends on — and conveniently refuses to price properly.

I'm a SAHM with a high-earning husband, and some people who can't think through the best scenarios tend to jump to the worst ones, making harsh judgments about me and my husband. I’ve always been someone who plans ahead, coming up with Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, and so on for anything I wanted to achieve. During my years in a high-earning career, I built up passive income that now supports the life I envisioned.

I find it amusing that you assume all SAHM are all in the predicament.

The topic of all the hate toward SAHMs around here always ignites a fire of words in me. I can't stand people who act superior, rushing to judge and condemn without ever thinking beyond their own prejudice.

I also think the harshness comes from a very narrow idea of what “working” looks like. There seems to be an assumption that if you’re a SAHM, you’re doing nothing else — which just isn’t true for a huge number of women.

Plenty of stay-at-home mothers do paid work alongside childcare: freelancing, bookkeeping, tutoring, online businesses, admin, creative work, family businesses, shift work around partners’ hours — often invisible because it doesn’t fit a 9–5 office model. It’s still work. It still brings in money. It just happens around children rather than instead of them.

There are many ways to contribute, many ways to work, and many ways to parent. Reducing it all to “paid job = virtue, everything else = failure” is both inaccurate and deeply unhelpful.

What’s frustrating is how quick posters are to be dismissive or outright harsh, as if there’s only one “acceptable” way to be a competent adult woman. That kind of tone doesn’t challenge patriarchy or inequality — it just polices other women’s choices.

I don't work, hell I don't even have kids and before anyone says anything my financial situation is my own private business.

I think a lot of people, women especially are exhausted they work fulltime, have caring responsibilities which equate to another fulltime job, they have a home to run and themselves to look after. I get why posting about not working might press a few buttons. Women often get the shitty end of the stick and I don't know what the answer is.

Agreed, the thread yesterday was boastful, some might say goady. I can understand why people would read it and bristle.

I volunteered at a refuge some years back, we were not overun with financially independent women. Almost all the women that needed help had absolutely nothing in their own names. Occasionally someone would arrive as an emergency for safety but if they had means they very quickly moved on. The overwhelming majority had no independent income, no savings, no career, no housing.

Financial dependency goes hand in hand with abuse.

There are so many live threads on here from women trapped in dysfunctional relationships because they have no means to leave and also no belief that they can change their life.

It all sounds marvellous to be a SAH parent until it isn’t. Short term career breaks or extended mat leaves are one thing, I had a good friend who took time out with her twins until the funded hours kicked in (it was age 3 then) but it was never her long term strategy and she went back to her career then. I reduced to 4 days when DD was small as I wanted to, but crucially for me I still out earned my ex. I am back to full time now she is at school.

I agree with your comment about not pitting women against each other. Shame you followed it immediately with a comment about how you chose to raise your own children. Who are you implying is raising the children of women who work out of the home?

Do you think you could be putting to much on work , would you not achieved all the above by having meaning full hobbies. I don’t think life revolves around work and it’s not a personality trait . It’s just something most people have todo

As a full time working parent, I raised my DC’s - it’s not something just done by SAHM’s.

Obviously none of the women you came across were financially independent or in secure situations - otherwise they wouldn’t have needed a refuge.

You are basing your assumptions of sahm being in abusive, financially dependent relationships from your own small sphere. You probably wouldn’t come across the sahm’s who don’t have these worries bc they’re all happily (or unhappily!) living their lives, and not in need of a women’s shelter.

I do agree that if women (or men) decide not to work long term they should ensure they’d be ok if they split from the dh or he died.

This is a really patronising response.
For some people work is meaningful and a part of their identity. And that’s okay.
Not everyone views work negatively, for many it’s a positive and rewarding part of their lives.

It sounds like that poster has issues going on that aren’t related to being a sahm :-(

And for many people it’s something people have to do to survive. It’s very patronising of you to assume otherwise

What assumptions have I made?
If you read my post properly you will see that I said ‘for some people’. I’m not suggesting every single person feels like this, I’m simply saying some do and that’s okay.
In my line of work it’s normal for it to be a part of your identity and personality. It’s not just something we have to do, it’s something we choose to do. That doesn’t mean i’m dismissive of those people who feel differently and only work because they have to.

You completely dismissed a poster who had explained in some detail that, in hindsight, she wished she’d studied and developed a career for herself. Why?

And if you read my first post you quoted . You would see I said most people not nice when people jump to assumptions is it

I have no money of my own.

I have zero independence.

My husband isn’t financially abusive but it’s not my money. I can’t just book a solo holiday.

If he was to beat me up tonight, I couldn’t just walk out of the door.

It’s not about work. It’s about money and independence.

I never suggested you said everyone feels a certain way.
I said I felt that your post was patronising and I offered an alternative view to the role of purpose of work. I presume we're allowed to have a positive view of work and careers?

SAHM with twins born just before Covid lockdown as well. Solidarity 😂

Then I had 2 more (yes my choice before anyone comments). And spent various times with either all 3 young kids (and pregnant) or all 4 at home with me all day every day due to no childcare (we moved areas) which was extremely hard. Currently have 2 at school and 2 part time nursery. Have to admit the days with 1 or 2 aren't that difficult depending on their moods and what I have to get done that day! And the 2 days a week I have no kids now are a blessing. I personally have some health issues that I'm working through so it is a very very welcome break right now!

I do agree that SAHM (or Dads) of kids who are all in full time school or nursery don't really have it that hard during term time tbh.

you come across patronising clearly miss interpreting my post . As I didn’t say all people work because they have to . Which clearly indicates some people work because they like to .

But then that has everything to do with your marriage and less to do with being a stay at home parent. Your husband money is your money you are married. So you are being financially abused and should get support.

Your posts are a clear as day. There is nothing to misinterpret.

I just felt it was a touch patronising to respond to a woman who had explained very clearly that she she wished she had made time to develop a career by suggesting she get a hobby!

I only see it in spaces with misogynist men or very feminist women, ironically.

Unless they are living off the taxpayer I don’t get the vitriol.

Not all relationships are abusive no. But not all relationships last either and abusive relationships can start at any time. It isn’t necessarily extensive, it can be very subtle and just enough to keep a woman from entering employment or progressing in their career, or having friendships or hobbies or any reach that might “give them ideas”.

But I don’t understand why anyone would actively choose to put themselves in a vulnerable situation. Roughly one in four marriages fail and where one party is financially dependent that’s an awful lot of risk - that’s disregarding the women that aren’t even protected by marriage. Hundreds and hundreds of posts on here every year. They all think it won’t happen to them, and then it does.

I was raised to have ambition and to expect equality in relationships- that’s what I am passing on to my daughter. Women should never be subservient to men. Men do not come
first, their careers shouldn’t come first, they are not worth more, outside of infancy they do not need to be the primary caregiver. Fathers should be expected to take equal care of their children.

The refuge example was just an add on to my previous post. I know many people that are in unhappy relationships that they are trapped in due to financial dependency (as least they perceive that they are). There is absolutely nothing desirable about that.

I’ll carry on with my career in widening participation in HE and women in STEM - we make a difference but it is only a drop in the ocean whilst society still peddles the misogynistic twaddle that so many fall for. Especially in the city I work in which is Asian majority - the things I see there are heartbreaking but it’s evident in all demographics.

I’m just not buying it that being a long term SAHM is in anyones best interest unless you have genuinely independent means. Not everyone needs a career but it shouldn’t be the default that mothers sacrifice theirs. It’s equally true for men or for same sex couples obviously. But the pool is much smaller.