What’s with all the hate for SAHM

[Howarewealldoing]

Following on from a post yesterday( who did work) but everyone assumed they didn’t. If they don’t sign on ,I don’t understand all the negativity. Or why some people get so worked up about something that doesn’t affect them .

A lot of us have more extensive opportunities of employment, and it brings far more to our lives than just the salary.

See I’d say you’re probably the exception - most people I know would give up their job in a heartbeat if they could - even the high flying ones who use their “brains” more (not sure why you keep putting that in quotations 😂) would rather have a life of leisure and pursue hobbies/travel etc but don’t want to give up the lifestyle their job affords them and will have to work until retirement (isn’t it around 68 now 😬?). One of my friends is one of the country’s top brain surgeons - she’s counting down the days til retirement!

My old job was quite a good one and paid very well but the drudgery of doing it every bloody day, commuting, being in an office with people i’d frankly rather not be around day in day out, that horrible corporate mentality of being expected to climb the greasy pole of promotion etc bored me to tears.

Let’s face it - most jobs are like this even very well paid and “fulfilling” ones.

I have more time to use my brain on more interesting things now 😁

I find it highly amusing when people assume because someone stays at home . They have no pension and would be destitute if they ever got divorced.

I know, some of the patronising comments on these threads do make me laugh. Some seem to assume all sahm’s or “unemployed” are on benefits, a drain to society or will have to move to a women’s refuge with their dcs at some point when their dh’s inevitably run off with a 20yo.

None of us use our “brains” apparently either and likely sit watching Loose Women and eating Pringles all day in our (fake) oodies!

I think most people don’t give a shit either way and don’t even think about it but the posters wanging on about “contributing to society” and “working hard to show the dc’s that mummy is fiercely independent and pays her taxes too” do come across a teeny bit…(I don’t want to say the word bc I hate it but it begins with a b!)

I’m a SAHM.
We don’t receive any benefits whatsoever (not even child benefit). My husband is the breadwinner and we live a comfortable (definitely not flashy) life.
I’ve had a few comments from school mums in the past but I just laugh them off and go buy a latte 😂

There is no hate from me but no SAHM dont need a medal nor to complain they have no money and expect society to pay you to raise children it is a choice to have children not a community service, if you are not financially independent from your partner/husband and he runs off with his neighbour, secretary or your best friend dont be surprised there he won't pay you to stay at home

so if you chose one fine but you chose to stay at home you won't get a martyr award and this ''I am not employed but I am a cleaner, chauffeur, P.A etc' no you are not working you are doing what you signed up for when you chose to have children

And if you think that is a woman's sole role in life, why send daughters to school or encourage them in university or get jobs if their role is stay at home and let me support them, aren't girls worth more than that?

@PollyBell Your characterisation of SAHMs is a complete cliche.

Who said they want medal , complains they have no money or claims benefits. The way you assume SAHM are all a like is crazy . I clearly said in my post that don’t claim benefits ,so clearly making up your own narrative it’s very strange . You sound very stressed.

Well if they dont exist great

'I am not employed but I am a cleaner, chauffeur”

I must admit to uttering that once or twice when the kids were younger hehe! You forgot: cook, laundress, personal concierge though!

Sorry, wrong quote attached - must go to bed now I’m clearly exhausted from all the above!

Girls and boys needs good education so they can make choices. That choice could be to climb Everest! Run a bank or decide to stay at home and raise kids!

It’s not about girls being worth less!

So may preconceived ideas

Any actual evidence to back up these claims?

You sound very passive aggressive.

I don’t see any hate for SAHMs, and I’m wondering if you’re trying to start something with such an inflammatory thread title.

No hate here. I think its wonderful for children to have a mum at home. The only thing that worries me is with the very high rates of divorce now Id be reluctant to trust my life to a man without a career of some sort to fall back on.

I don't hate SAHMs

And I'm certainly not jealous

But I do think the model of man with a "big job" and SAHM is bad for equality generally

For as long as bosses (usually male) have SAHPs (mostly female) at home picking up the slack, they will continue to raise an eyebrow when staff (usually female) have to leave work at 5pm to pick up children

When the bosses are pulling their weight at home, that's when we'll start to see greater equality for dockers generally

This being MN, I predict a flurry of posts about men who work long hours and do school run and acknowledge that SAHM is the hardest job in the world by far.... but that's not my general experience IRL

I find it inexplicable that anyone genuinely thinks this. In fact, I assume you’re joking?

I don’t hate and am not jealous of SAHM’s. I don’t know a single one. All the members of my extended family across several countries have two full time working parents as do friends and colleagues.

I honestly couldn't care less if other women choose to be SAHPs. Their choices don't affect me and I never had any reason to feel jealous of them because I wouldn't ever have wanted to live their lives.

Being honest, I wouldn't want that life for my dd either - unless it was just a very short career break from which she could very easily return to work. I guess I'm much more invested in how she lives her life than I am in how other women might choose to live their own lives. Obviously, I wouldn't ever express that to her directly or show her what I felt because that wouldn't be my place, but I would feel it inside! Thankfully, there isn't much danger of her going in that direction in any case!

I do get annoyed with the smug types of SAHP who seem to believe that SAH somehow makes them better parents. But I find that they are a very small minority generally, and usually only vocal about it on the Internet.

As long as any children are well cared for and families are able to support themselves financially, I really don't think it's anyone else's business as to whether women SAH, WOH or some combination thereof.

I do feel very sorry for women - and indeed men - who don't have a choice in either direction.

I don't really see why that's so amusing. Obviously the stereotype exists because there are a lot of women who would struggle financially if they got divorced. That clearly doesn't mean that all SAHPs fall into that category at all, and many will no doubt be very financially secure. It isn't at all funny that many are less fortunate.

SAHMs are in a financially privileged position because someone is paying for them to SAH. To those mothers exhausted by the grinding burden of juggling work & family responsibilities (including responsibilities not just for kids but for elderly parents), SAHMs talking about their lives at home comes across like Kylie Jenner talking about her luxury holidays.

The divide between these different classes (deliberate word choice) of women is not as stark when children are very young & their mothers relatively so, because the burden on working mothers isn’t as grinding at that point (yes, it gets worse over time, unfortunately).

Why is that 'amusing' to you? The majority of SAHMs are economically disempowered, compared to WOHPs of either sex. It's one of the grimmer things that comes up on here on threads about unhappy or abusive relationships, where a deskilled SAHM who has been out of the workplace for a while and doesn't have access to much money, finds it far harder to leave.

If you genuinely find that 'amusing', it's pretty unpleasant.

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 23 years. Since I was 22 years old. (My children are 23, 11 and 5).

If I could live my life again, I would have had my own life. I would have studied and worked. I didn’t leave a job, I was just doing crappy temp work, I had no career.

I thought I was winning at life. I got to stay at home with my child while others were slogging away at uni or work.

Now, I’m 46 and fucking miserable. My oldest child has been no better off because I’ve stood in the kitchen all day. My children are no different, socially or emotionally from those who went to nursery 8-6 from 6 months old while thier mothers had thier own lives and careers. Infact, I’ve noticed that mothers who worked had far more respect from their children.

I have nothing of my own. Even the clothes on my back have been bought for me. I have few actual choices in life or independence.

I wouldn’t recommend being a stay at home mum to anyone. It’s a trap.

(Ans please none of the “it’s not too late” stuff. You have no idea of my current health issues).

Well that’s not always true. Some women have to be SAHMs because they cannot earn enough to make nursery feasible. Yes I know nursery fees should come out of both salaries but it’s still a fact that for some women, going back to work would reduce the total available income of the household.

I'm sorry. That is very much how my lovely mum felt. I am immensely grateful for the sacrifices that she made for us, but I truly wish that she hadn't made them.

No platitudes from me here, but I do hope that you will find some way of making peace with your situation. If it makes any difference to you at all, the respect that I felt for my mother had nothing to do with anything that she had or hadn't done with her life, it was based on the person that she was. I only wish that she could have seen herself as we saw her.