Asked to give up my seat on bus

[Motnight]

On a packed London bus. A pregnant young woman has asked for my seat (only know that she is pregnant from her badge).I've said no, can she ask one of the younger more able bodied people sitting opposite or behind me? There are at least 4 people that are in their 20s / 30s and look physically fit sitting down.

She looked very shocked but just said ok. I am in my early 60s. I fell on ice a few days ago and am feeling a bit more wobbly than usual. Was I unreasonable?

Agree with PP - neither of you were unreasonable. She may have asked you because you were female and I don’t doubt it might have required bravery to ask but you also couldn’t give your seat up. I don’t see why either needs to “trump”the other. Also not sure why the woman didn’t ask someone sitting in the priority seats unless they were already filled with people quite obviosuly requiring them (which is often not the case in my experience).

I’ve been sat on a floor on train from Euston > Manchester whilst in between vomiting in the toilet - I didn’t look pregnant but the train conductor kindly found me a seat without me asking. In the same pregnancy at about 9 months pregnant I was on a tram and immediately offered a seat that I didn’t need as I felt able to stand. Everyone experiences pregnancy differently and it’s dynamic. If I asked someone to give up their seat and they couldn’t I would be understanding instead of looking shocked and just ask someone else - surely the carriage is full of people who could give up the seat. Unless you’re not used to using public transport this will be a very common experience for the pregnant person that they will have to get used to. My pet peeve was having to ask people to move their bags off chairs when they could see people didn’t have seats !

Yes! TfL have had them for years in London and other operators have adopted them. There are also 'please offer me a seat' badges. I find them really useful because it means I know if someone needs a seat when it might not be immediately obvious. Saves a lot of guessing games and potential embarrassment around pregnancy that might just be posture!

Why would you ask one person on a crowded bus and then faint? And why ask the oldest person there?
Come off it, it's obvious the woman should have asked one of the twenty something men, but as we and she all know, the 60 something woman is less intimidating to ask and more likely to put herself out for others.

Well done OP

Did anyone give her a seat?

Usually if someone asks for a seat, someone will offer.
I think you were reasonable to say no but I know that if it had happened to me, even if I had a good reason to say no, I'd still feel bad.

WTF!

What is wrong with you?

I don’t understand why she didn’t ask one of the evidently rather younger people occupying seats.

I use London buses a lot and I’m sorry to say it’s so often young, apparently perfectly mobile, women who plonk themselves in the priority seats (the first available) and are then so engrossed in their phones - or pretending to be - that they don’t notice some doddery old dear having to stand.

Please don’t anyone tell me they’ve all got hidden disabilities - I simply don’t believe it. And why is it always young women, and never young men? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a young man doing this.

Would you give up your seat for a woman in her sixties who felt unable to stand?

God, this site is a cesspit. Maybe they're just happy. It's a nice emotion, I hope you experience it some time.

Exactly.

OP had as much need of the seat - or possibly more - than the pregnant woman. The mystery is why nobody else on the bus who was sitting, but able to stand, bothered to offer the pregnant woman a seat before she asked OP.

I'm sorry but if you aren't visibly pregnant and need a badge to say you are I don't think your need trumps that of someone in their 60's. If you are visibly pregnant and struggling fine. I had low blood pressure all through each pregnancy and was always very petite even when 8/9 months pregnant so no one ever jumped up to offer me a seat, I didn't ask either. I once had to crouch down on a packed train home from work because I felt faint. I also gave an elderly couple my seat 8.5 months pregnant, I was in the priority seats and there were no others free they had a scooter and the other could barely walk. Pregnancy isn't a disability or the same as old age frailty, granted it's nice to be given a seat when heavily pregnant/passing out from low bp but it doesn't trump actual disabilities.

Why are people talking like this was the only seat on the bus that they needed to fight over? The OP needed the seat herself. The pregnant woman could have asked someone else. Both could have gotten seats. This is not a big deal.

People don’t automatically need a seat just because they are pregnant, but since TFL started giving out the badges, a huge sense of entitlement has grown and people think they should have a seat from the day the test shows positive, despite having no problems. I’ve moved for pregnant women without being asked before without being in priority seats, but not one of them has appreciated it. They behave as if it’s a God Given right rather than a courtesy.

This woman should have asked people in the priority seats if they needed a priority seat rather than jumping straight in and asking them to move.

Entitlement! Ive heard it all now.
no op, ywnbu. Don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t have moved either.
( i’m not able to stand on buses, hidden illnesses).
she asked, you said no. Neither being unreasonable.

FGS pregnancy isn’t an illness.

For many people, it very well can be.

I have hyperemesis gravidarum. This is my third HG pregnancy.

I have been essentially bed bound since September, hospitalised for IV fluids on multiple occasions, I am on a cocktail of medications to keep my vomitting under control, I can barely walk up and down my staircase - there is no chance I could stand on a bus. Luckily, I don’t need to use public transport.

The comments about pregnant women by other women are absolutely disgusting.

The OP has not said she was in a priority seat or not.

You’re making lots of assumptions here - I thought pregnancy wasn’t an illness???

Yes, I think the badges are a great idea. I don't want to assume someone's pregnant or infirm and cause offence, and it's obvious when someone's need is greater than mine.

I found when pregnant I was regularly offered seats on the Tube and buses in London, I don't remember having to ask to sit down once I was showing. It was pretty good overall (except for the bus driver who refused to let me on when it was 80 degrees and I was 8 months pregnant with shopping and my card wouldn't tap.... him, I would cheerfully string up).

I have noticed others be ignored, though, including people who obviously would need a seat, eg on crutches or very elderly. And I have been known to announce that fact loudly down the carriage (if standing myself and so not able to offer a seat) - the joys of perimenopause and no longer giving any fucks.

Anecdotally, the people most liable to offer a seat seem to be young men, though middle aged women are also considerate. The least likely to offer are well to do looking middle aged men in expensive suits, reading the FT.

OP - you did nothing wrong, you needed the seat as much as she did. You could consider asking others on her behalf in future, perhaps, to save her the embarrassment. As pp says, easier to ask on others' behalf than on your own.

If I was asked but couldn't stand I would turn around and say loudly 'this lady is pregnant please could someone give her a seat' -

I have done this many times on the tube/bus! (not when I had a seat myself but just when people are not noticing a need.

I would not just leave a pregnant woman to keep asking around as that is unkind and she could be feeling really sick.

Did she ask someone else? Did someone else offer? Because that would be the most reasonable outcome, really.

by the way, the little comments that are always made about people not looking pregnant - I had to commute when pregnant and the absolute worst was when I didn't 'look' pregnant because I was 4/5 months and hd horrific morning sickness

She probably asked you because you looked the most approachable. I'm your age and I get this too. I also have a disability that makes it hard for me to stand on a bus, but isn't visible.

id agree with this but I was lucky. At 7 months pregnant I had to take a few tube journeys and several kind men got up to offer me their seats. I was grateful but actually didn't take them up on it as I was ok to stand and actually a bit embarrassed! I was really lucky though that I didn't need to and lucky that several people were kind enough to ask. This was in 2011. Maybe things have changed a bit in the years since.

Absolutely. This is why the badges are so useful.

The OP was not in a priority seat and said no as she feels unwell herself , why does pregnancy trump the OPs ailments ? If there were no seats then there were plenty of other people to ask . I agree pregnancy can be an illness , it was for me both times but as someone who now looks fit but has several chronic diseases that make standing difficult I’d say no if someone asked for my seat .

I LOATHE the statement 'pregnancy isn't an illness' - what sort of horrible culture would leave a pregnant woman, carrying a baby inside her - vulnerable to the danger of falling for starters and possibly feeling really sick - standing over more able bodied people.

what a horrible mindset.