Asked to give up my seat on bus

[Motnight]

On a packed London bus. A pregnant young woman has asked for my seat (only know that she is pregnant from her badge).I've said no, can she ask one of the younger more able bodied people sitting opposite or behind me? There are at least 4 people that are in their 20s / 30s and look physically fit sitting down.

She looked very shocked but just said ok. I am in my early 60s. I fell on ice a few days ago and am feeling a bit more wobbly than usual. Was I unreasonable?

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Oh bless you, you must be a young person.

I am as fit as a fiddle. I've never been more than a pound or two overweight in my adult life. I used to run 3-5 miles three days a week and walk 4 -6 miles on other days and gym twice a week. I have a good diet with low UPF and 5 a day F+V. Apart from run of the mill respiratory infections, I barely had a day's sickness in my life.

And at 67, out of the blue, I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and suddenly I'm unable to walk or dress myself some days, depending on which joints are glaring this time. And though I'm well at the moment I certainly wouldn't be standing on a bus because RA has reduced one of my vertebrae to a score of minus 3.9 out of 5 and a sudden jerk to my back could put me in a wheelchair . You would never guess any of this from looking at me when I'm out on a bus trip. You probably wouldn't even guess my age right.

So please stop with your generalisations and just pray that your own version of "choosing to age well" is kinder to you than mine is. And I am in nowhere near as bad a situation as many others my age who looked after themselves all their lives.

Flaring not glaring.

I’ve had to look-up what these badges even are!
Im in total support of you OP.
Perhaps not every1 can read those badges 🫤🤷‍♀️
Im near 70 with osteoporosis & osteoarthritis so know exactly how you feel…my DM is still alive & says our(hers& mine) ‘problem’ is we haven’t gone very grey! Even the GP asks my age!??
Possible answer would be for transport services to produce Badges for other varieties of folk needing seats? Maybe mumsnet can get involved??☺️

Pregnancy is a choice and aging isn't. Some people can invest in aging well whilst others don't have the time or resources. Seems that they were even in needing the seat and the solution to ask elsewhere seemed reasonable in the circumstances.

These exist already! TfL has badges ‘please offer me a seat’ which can be used by anyone needing a seat for reasons that might not be obvious. Have a look at their website, it tells you there how to request one.

You're right to say pregnancy isn't always a choice, but ageing well isn't always a choice, either. There's luck involved. However, beyond a certain age many people see everything as being down to age, when you can get a lot of these things at any age. Yet there is one thing of which we have control - whether we are old inside our heads. If you feel more comfortable sitting after a fall, good and well, but we can all fall, and thinking of yourself as needing a seat just because you're in your 60s isn't very helpful.

Deleted - duplicate post.

My friend has gone from being upset about anyone calling her old - to hitting 69 and it feels like every reason for not doing stuff is that she’s 70…it’s almost as if she’s given up and aged overnight. Can’t do the garden, can’t go on holiday, no confidence, feels vulnerable. It’s a bit hard to adjust to her change in mindset - it’s happened so quickly. She tells me she’s 70 every time we speak, she had no health problems but the number seems to matter a lot.

Sad. I have 2 sisters in 70s and they do everything

I never thought my friend would change so quickly - she was so young in her head - full of enthusiasm and positivity and now she’s always using her age as an excuse for everything.

I have a friend like that from moment she turned 60. Now 69 and won't walk even 1 and a half miles. Irritates the hell out of me. I've done 10 mile walks with my 74 yr old sister.

It's possible, especially given the speed of the change, that the character she showed when out in public before was the bluff/mask and she's actually tired of life and wants to sit back and drift towards checking out. I think that's not an uncommon feeling among people who are neurodiverse, that they are no longer prepared to do the sheer amount of work it takes to appear "normal" out in company. The "I'm 70" is something she feels she needs to repeat as a simple explanation to those who wouldn't understand, if she even understands this herself.

The police had to attend when my husband died at home during the night. (They insisted - against the assertion of our GP the following morning that he was not 'under the care of a physician'.)

A young police constable asked how old my husband was and said "He does't look that old!"

He'd always kept himself very fit for as long as he could, but had had a stent fitted, a triple bypass, insulin dependent diabetes, kidney failure, macular degeneration, a cataract, left-side stroke neglect in one eye, hemiparesis caused by his stroke and had just died of a massive heart attack (though I suppose the police officer didn't know that it had been a heart attack).

DH was 82.

It doesn't matter if she thinks they're able bodied because they're younger. The fact is she assumed that they were more able bodied than her.

Christ, what is it about this that you don't understand? I mean, I know the comprehension skills on MN are seriously lacking but come on.

Hm not quite. "It's considerate to give seats to those who appear to need them"

Because often people that don't look like they need them will actually need them. As I said, hidden disabilities are a thing.

Sit back and drift towards checking out....... are you trying to give us all depression 🤪

@Imdunfer Really sorry to hear you have RA. It can hit at any age, unlike osteoarthritis, which is wear and tear. Have you looked into Buteyko? It can help with autoimmune disorders. Glare works just as well as flare, incidentally. The image of joints glaring at you. There's a lot of inaccurate information out there re Buteyko, so if you're interested, send me a PM and I'll tell you the best articles to read and people to trust.

Very silly comment. People have a lot less control over whether they age well than you seem to think. A healthy lifestyle only goes so far. You will find this out as you get older. You have more control over whether or not you become pregnant, although I agree that it isn’t always a choice. Some of my friends who ate well, exercised and never smoked died before 70 or have had strokes and have mobility problems.

It’s not a fact at all. It’s your interpretation of the words. Stop making a virtue of the fact that you can only see one interpretation while I can see more. It doesn’t make your comprehension skills superior.

’There are some younger people on this bus, and there are some more able bodied ones, I don’t know exactly who that is (because that would be assuming), but there will be at least one, go ask them’. That’s a valid interpretation of the words OP recalls using.

It would be different if OP had pointed to an individual and said ‘go ask that younger more able bodied person there’. She didn’t.

Let's not forget that menstrual cramps can be debilitating. I had painful periods in 20s then thankfully outgrew them. On one occasion pain so bad I vomited. A young woman suffering like that deserves a seat.

Unlikely since it sounds as if they're good enough friends to make masking unnecessary. Friends take you as you are with all your peculiarities. I suffer from social anxiety but not with a select few.

The masking is so as not to show the peculiarities, even, or even especially, to their friends. It sounds like the friend didn't know her at all well if an approach zero on her she changed her overnight. That isn't a comment on the friend, it's a comment on how well she was keeping up appearances.

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Should read "if an added zero on her age changed her overnight"

I don't think she assumed that at all. I think she simply believed something which is a fact.

That in every 1000 60 and 30 year olds, there will be a lot more people in their 60's who are unable to stand on a bus than there are people in their 30's. Not only due to diseases of age, but due to having twice as many years to accumulate injury and ilnesses.

That is just a given.

I know her well, for 20 years, have gone on several holidays with her she is not autistic. On the last holiday, when she mentioned being 70 every bloody day, she said it was the most relaxing holiday ever - for me - I felt like I was her carer, that was a bit of a shock.

I am concerned about her - I don't think jumping into this mindset of being old will lead to good health outcomes for her. Working at staying fit and healthy in both mind and body is really important for her - she just appears to have given up - the person she was 2 years ago would be appalled.