Asked to give up my seat on bus

[Motnight]

On a packed London bus. A pregnant young woman has asked for my seat (only know that she is pregnant from her badge).I've said no, can she ask one of the younger more able bodied people sitting opposite or behind me? There are at least 4 people that are in their 20s / 30s and look physically fit sitting down.

She looked very shocked but just said ok. I am in my early 60s. I fell on ice a few days ago and am feeling a bit more wobbly than usual. Was I unreasonable?

Yes they do and the mums I've met in my time who do so also tend to carry a very smug look also

I used to ask in a general "please can I have a seat" way so it wasnt pressuring one person who may not be able to stand. I think this is a better technique than picking an (older looking?) Lady

I once offered my seat to a lady who was not pregnant so badges are very useful for avoiding embarrassment!!

Neither person was being unreasonable. Fine for the woman to politely ask, and equally fine for the OP to politely refuse. If there were young, fit gentlemen on the bus, they should have stood, and shouldn't have needed to be asked. But in any case, you don't have to give up a seat just because someone asks you.

Some do on London transport.

Whys that then?
Older lady feeling wobbly and at risk of falling over Vs pregnant woman

Not seeing why pregnancy trumps here... she's not disabled, or ill, or elderly, or infirm, or recovering from a fall....

I, in my 40s, was once offered a seat 3 times on one day. I'm still not sure if I looked old, pregnant or sick.

I don't think either person is necessarily being unreasonable. Yes, pregnancy isn't a disability but it can be if you certain conditions that can come with it. And there should be other people who could offer a seat before a older person feeling unwell.

I find that that that is met with everyone studiously looking down pretending they haven't heard and hoping that someone else will offer. Usually in a train carriage of 50 people it takes about 20 seconds of awkwardness for someone to reluctantly get up. No one is rushing to help the pregnant lady

YABVU because you did the same as her, singling out certain people to ask directly because they "look" less able to stand. If you think that's acceptable then how can you whinge when someone does it to you?

An older person being “a bit wobbly” is at much greater risk than young people being a bit wobbly. A fall that might just embarrass a young person can be fatal to someone with osteoporosis, for example. And many older women don’t even know they have it until they break a bone. My DGM took a tumble, broke her pelvis and died a couple of weeks later.

There’s no hierarchy on the priority seating. It’s simply an informal request to give up your seat if the need arises and you can stand. There is no need for anyone involved to evidence their need or share private medical information. The OP had good reason for refusing.

I'm mid 30s. I'm also (if sat down I don't look it, but hey that's RA for you) disabled. So maybe don't judge the 'youngsters' sat down.

I didn't choose to be disabled. However women choose to be pregnant.

I hate that argument.
Yes pregnancy is a choice for most people, but nobody chooses to have a difficult pregnancy.
Lots of the things that might leave you ending up needing a seat, like breaking a leg while horse riding, eating too much leading to obesity or smoking causing a stroke, crossing the road without looking resulting in injury, are a result of life choices but they are still genuine needs.

The average bus or train carriage has enough seats that all the genuinely pregnant, elderly, sick or disabled no matter from what cause, people can have one without us having to set them against each other.

This is the sort of thing where, if you can face it, I would offer to ask more broadly. "I'm afraid I'm quite off balance today so I can't offer you my seat, but why don't I ask if anyone else is able to offer you a seat instead?" I think it's probably easier to ask for a seat on someone else's behalf than your own.

Because if the bus stops suddenly or someone bangs into her bump it could cause considerable harm to the baby. Nausea can impact balance. In the early stages before the pregnancy is visible she is likely suffering with morning sickness....

You seem rather determined to be unpleasant over something very reasonable. Are you always so insufferable ?

That logic is flawed when the young person is pregnant because the risk of that fall then on the woman and the unborn baby is considerable...

I'm wondering if she picked you because she thought you'd be more likely to move without fuss than the younger able-bodied people near by, being conditioned that older women don't matter. Perfectly fine to reply saying you actually did need the seat, anyway.

I think this is valid, if the lady wasn't far along that is very different to heavily pregnant

I expect she asked you on the assumption that as a woman you would dutifully get up. YANBU for saying no as you needed a seat.

But it’s not an either/or. They both should be seated, and there were no doubt healthy young people on the bus. OP shouldn’t be forced to put herself at risk.

Really? I commuted through London whilst pregnant and most of the time I was offered a seat straight away. On occasion I had to ask and there were usually several people scrambling to get up and apologise. I hope things haven't changed that much in the last 6 years.

Re commenters saying about women choosing to be pregnant, it's irrelevant. It's not safe for a pregnant woman to fall and in some cases to stand for long periods of time. We will all depend on the next generation at some point and it is all of our responsibility to make space for parents and children to exist comfortably in our society. For pregnant women, that means give them your seat.

She felt wobbly, shes in her 60's, and there are others sat down.

Of course she should not have to get up

I just cant believe on "Mumsnet" people are so determined that it is fine not to give the pregnant woman a seat. That they can't see the increased risk to mum and baby of standing on a moving vehicle when pregnant and they are trotting out lines like "pregnancy is a choice".

I think it is a shitty attitude.

To be fair (and I’m Team OP here), I can remember having excruciating backache in early pregnancy.