Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

Nope. Big fat nope. Disrespectful to you, your feelings and relationship for a start aswell as the ‘friendship’ being inappropriate!

It’s not your insecurity talking, it’s gut instinct and female intuition. This abso-fecking-lutely needs to be shut down. Shame on him for putting you through all this while he tries his luck playing the long game to win over a younger woman and shame on her for partaking in such nonsense (I don’t believe for a minute that she doesn’t know what going on).

Hoping to become more than just a supporting shoulder I'd honestly say, also it's probably a boost for his ego having a younger woman in thrall to him he may imagine.....

Doesn't he look in the mirror and notice his backside is no longer high and firm. That his testicle sack is drooping lower.

But that's the difference between men and women, myopia.

As a young woman I was ‘mentored’ many times by older men , from my very first job at fifteen. In every single one of those interactions there came a point where the older , often married man would try and sometimes succeed at having sex with me.
As a now middle aged woman I have been on the other side of this where my (ex) partner has gone out of their way to be lovely and kind and helpful to new and younger women whilst in a relationship with me, including solid 10s .
people can be so predictable, it’s so basic it makes me cross and disappointed

I had a lucky escape with two much older senior bosses. I was so dumb. I was young bubbly and very married. I never accepted lifts home after those two occasions.

As a somewhat naive 20 something, I happily befriended older men in the office as it seemed more appropriate than chatting to men my own age and I felt much safer around them as I 'knew' they wouldn't think that I could be interested in them given the age gap!
Well, I soon learned otherwise!! Whilst some were gentleman, some most certainly weren't and had the arrogance to think that I was interested in them. Unfortunately men can be Iike that. I would say that the split Was 50/50 so your husband could call into either camp.

Ugh that’s so horrible. I had several terrifying experiences cars with older men, including lifts and taxi drivers 😭

I agree with @Devonshiregal.

I’m friends with people of both sexes and all ages. When I was in my 20s, I was friends at work with much older men - and have remained friends with them for decades.

But, there’s a difference between people who take an interest in, are friends with or mentors to lots of different people, and those who limit their interest to someone they want attention from, particularly sexual attention.

The sudden interest in the gym may be a coincidence, but some men who are smitten do suddenly taken more of an interest in their appearance. He may not be having (or looking for) any sort of affair. But IMHO, at very least sounds like he’s enjoying her attention (e.g. as an ego boost) because she’s a young and attractive woman.

Plus, when OP’s talked to him about her concerns, he doesn’t appear to have taken them seriously. Even if it’s completely innocent, it’s not being a great partner to show so little concern for her feelings.

However, OP ending a relationship is a big deal, which shouldn’t be based on the opinions of strangers. Suggest you take time to consider, speak to trusted friends IRL and take legal advice/plan logistically before ending it. Sudden and unplanned decisions could make a split more stressful for your son.

Good question to ask. What would he think if you were driving an attractive young man and his friends around looking for food/after parties after nights out, hitting the gym and deleting his texts. And that young man was already complaining about being harassed by an older woman at work.

50 and 23?!
You know this is not normal.

Read this scenario so many times on here.
He's at it.

So he has form for crossing boundaries with his Ex [you say ‘previously mentioned Ex’, but I can’t locate any comments about her]. This is the second illicit connection he has pursued during your relationship, that you know of. It sounds like in both cases he gaslit and pushed back about cutting/reducing contact. @ilikemycofistrong, this guy is not emotionally monogamous, and it’s clear that he is currently ingratiating himself with high hopes for more. The deleted messages would have provided some evidence, so he got rid of them. Can you get hold of his phone without his knowing and restore them?

He is a cliche who is following the Script to a T. He absolutely has an agenda to trick you. The deleted messages go hand-in-hand with hiding the lifts. How insulting that he believes he can bamboozle you that she a daughter-figure. If that were true he wouldn’t be working overtime to improve his clothes, grooming, physique and aftershave. How brazen that he took you with him to pick up the new scent he planned to use to dazzle OW, like a boyfriend would.

He is (again) dismissing your feelings and boundaries. In her book Not Just Friends, Dr. Shirley Glass examines and explains how marriages/relationships are threatened and damaged when a weak-boundaried partner blurs lines with a third party. Emotional energy, time and attention are shifted away from the primary relationship and are invested in the new person. Intimacy and reliance develop via increased contact, frisson, confiding, rescuing, etc. Even if this woman does not fully reciprocate his feelings, she will be basking in his adoration and massaging his ego.

What are you going to do about this, @ilikemycofistrong?

I could restore messages even with him knowing although, but I didn't know If I can or how I can do it!

At the moment, he has moved to spare bedroom and we share a care for our son without being in each other's presence too much.
But we are talking as well, he will have to go to therapy regarding his self esteem and middle age crisis and his this affecting his marriage.
He does have a problem identifying how his actions affecting me and our family, he thinks he acts out of good intentions.
I do agree with a lot that people saying but I have to take into consideration overall and apart of these things he is very committed dad and husband and I always know his whereabouts etc
He will have to go and work it out why he requires contact validation, and when he does help people to try and make better judgement for his and his family sake.

You mean when he does help pretty young women. Not people. His choice of who to help is not the balding fat bloke.

I see what you saying, but he is staff rep at work, and he does help other people a lot as well, including giving them lifts sometimes. There are a lot men he provides advice to etc

@ilikemycofistrong, his trampling your boundaries, hiding the lifts, deleting their messages, suddenly obsessing over his looks, lying that he sees her as a daughter, and employing DARVO are not good intentions. He is determined to prioritize her and build their connection (and is doing so before, during and after work), and is making destructive choices. He has previously done similar.

A good husband and fine role model for a son does not pursue young female employees and deceive his Wife with dishonesty and gaslighting.

But she is right. These men never want to play hero to and support the careers of ugly women, young men, older people.

It’s only ever young attractive women they go out of their way for in this manner.

Oh dear :(
I would stand for this OP, hes a bit creepy doing this given his and her age.
Sorry :( x

The OP has literally just posted that, yes, her husband does help people in the same way who aren't attractive young women

He's playing you OP. And he knows exactly what he's doing and exactly why he's doing it. So ignore all of his deliberate obfuscation. Ignore all of the guff about him needing counselling to understand why he needs this attention/validation, yadda yadda yadda.

He's an emotionally immature, pathetic twat with a penchant for much younger women. And he will always be an emotionally immature twat with a penchant for much younger women.

In 15 years time he will be eagerly sniffing after some attractive 40 year old woman.

Question is how can you have any respect for him, going forward? How? And how can you ever really trust him?

Not in the manner he helps this woman hence her posting. She made that kind clear:

“Well, if I was going say none, this would have been a lie! He does that very occasionally, and none else seem to live this much in our areas as she does. So if if I was solely judging this but lifts there probably wouldn't be an issue. But yeah everything else is just him pushing himself onto her as hurtful as it is.”

She has not said he (for example) drives a group of blokes around while they figure out a place to go for a night out.

It’s. Always. Young. Attractive. Women.

For all he knows, that “daughter” could have been a son, and how many young men has he been “mentoring” and giving secret lifts to and spending time with?
The same middle aged men that say “she’s 18 and old enough to date” are the ones who say “why would I hang around with an 18yr old boy, we have nothing in common?”

This is so true. I saw a video with a middle aged manosphere type passionately defending his right to date 18 year old girls.

When the host (a young man) started challenging him his response was to mock his age, saying he is immature and lacks mental capacity because he is “only 23”.

The cognitive dissonance was a marvel to behold.

Completely right to be unhappy. It’s not cool. I’m be fuming.

also, regardless of him being married it’s very irresponsible of him to be putting himself in that situation with a much younger albeit adult female.

he can be supportive and a father figure without going to this level / being in 1:1 situations with her