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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

256 replies

ilikemycofistrong · 05/01/2026 14:22

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

OP posts:
Chloe2434 · 06/01/2026 19:32

The concerning part is he picks her up after her social events? Like after she has had a drink with friends? Seems like he doesn’t want her meeting another male her age.

He'd be gone for me, naughty

FrostyFlo · 06/01/2026 19:33

ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 19:26

Yes to all of it.

He was aiming to go to the gym like 5 days a week. But I also go to the gym so I didn't find this suspicious at all. But he really started care what he is wearing. And yes we literally just picked up a new aftershave for him couple of weeks ago!

Hmmmm , I thought as much .

Mildredneetremble · 06/01/2026 19:35

Yes it is hard but marriages do survive all sorts of crisis, no marriage is perfect, give it time.

Devonshiregal · 06/01/2026 19:37

VoltaireMittyDream · 05/01/2026 14:45

Maybe, but I rarely see middle aged men go out of their way to mentor younger male colleagues and make sure they feel comfortable. Nor have I noticed many men taking an active interest in the careers of unattractive women, or lesbians.

My father always thought of himself as a committed mentor of brilliant young minds - and won all sorts of teaching awards - but the brilliant young minds always belonged to attractive and vulnerable female students, with whom he had numerous affairs over the years (and married 3 of them, my mother included).

So I am extremely cynical about men’s ’protective’ impulses towards younger women over whom they wield institutional power.

My partner does both. If he sees something in someone (regardless of age, sex, looks, whatever) and they are looking for mentorship, and he believes he can be of benefit to them professionally, he will help them. He goes out of his way on a regular basis and is incredibly generous and kind.

someone like yourself, who is basing your view of it off a negative experience like with your dad (understandable), might think he must be after something but he is just naturally that way. His sister is too.

In the best cases, he has helped people, and made loyal friends who are now themselves taking on senior mentorship roles in their industry.

in the worst cases theyre just not nice people and he will professionally end the relationship.

But that’s what makes me preeetty certain OP’s husband just has the hots for this woman. I would never question my partner’s relationship with someone because I know he would mentor a woman/man/young/old etc. He would also have clear goals set out for their professional development. And doesn’t want to be in touch more than he needs to - he’s more of a therapist style relationship meaning there to listen and guide but not going to be divulging things about himself other than the basics or work related stories, and also not going to be wanting to rush to anyone’s rescue. If he happened to be out with a woman and they needed to get home or whatever, again, I know he would do this for anyone not just her so why would I question it?

And if I said I didn’t like how close he had become to someone, he would auto-correct his behaviour immediately. if he didn’t then I’d worry.

If a man is not this kind of man by nature and experience, but they randomly start using words like ‘mentor’ and playing the put-upon-hero but only about one woman who they blatantly would find attractive, then yes…I think all roads lead to ‘he wants to sleep with her.’

Mildredneetremble · 06/01/2026 19:44

If you do stay together it won't always feel as raw, time is a great healer but you need to tell him how hurt you are.

ActiveTiger · 06/01/2026 19:44

I wouldn't be bothered at all, it's lifts for goodness sakes tickets you didn't want so who cares who uses them

ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 19:44

Devonshiregal · 06/01/2026 19:37

My partner does both. If he sees something in someone (regardless of age, sex, looks, whatever) and they are looking for mentorship, and he believes he can be of benefit to them professionally, he will help them. He goes out of his way on a regular basis and is incredibly generous and kind.

someone like yourself, who is basing your view of it off a negative experience like with your dad (understandable), might think he must be after something but he is just naturally that way. His sister is too.

In the best cases, he has helped people, and made loyal friends who are now themselves taking on senior mentorship roles in their industry.

in the worst cases theyre just not nice people and he will professionally end the relationship.

But that’s what makes me preeetty certain OP’s husband just has the hots for this woman. I would never question my partner’s relationship with someone because I know he would mentor a woman/man/young/old etc. He would also have clear goals set out for their professional development. And doesn’t want to be in touch more than he needs to - he’s more of a therapist style relationship meaning there to listen and guide but not going to be divulging things about himself other than the basics or work related stories, and also not going to be wanting to rush to anyone’s rescue. If he happened to be out with a woman and they needed to get home or whatever, again, I know he would do this for anyone not just her so why would I question it?

And if I said I didn’t like how close he had become to someone, he would auto-correct his behaviour immediately. if he didn’t then I’d worry.

If a man is not this kind of man by nature and experience, but they randomly start using words like ‘mentor’ and playing the put-upon-hero but only about one woman who they blatantly would find attractive, then yes…I think all roads lead to ‘he wants to sleep with her.’

Yes, I would see my husband as this kind of person. He is there for a lot of people and helps them with their issues, and he is spokesperson and in general he helps other too.

But yes, I already today him that he has to distance himself from her case as when he find out that another colleague is harassing her trough texts he jump in straight to is like he was going to save her from fire! He definitely wouldn't be equally involved if that was someone else.
Since then he not only didnt distance himself but he tries any other opportunity to show he cares, or looks how he can make her life better and easier.

OP posts:
ChaliceinWonderland · 06/01/2026 19:47

Are you still giving him sex? Then stop.
Withdraw vompletdly. Your giving z friend z lift, sorry, you are out late dropping z friend at a party. See what he has to say.
Play him at his game.

Jaggy1 · 06/01/2026 19:47

I’m in my twenties and if a 50 year old colleague was offering to pick me up from a night out I’d be creeped out by him & think he was pursuing something.

Id be worried that they are so comfortable together & I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t be.

Frugalgal · 06/01/2026 19:51

ilikemycofistrong · 05/01/2026 14:22

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

Always, always, always trust your gut feeling..

Mildredneetremble · 06/01/2026 19:52

Maybe he's never had a positive male role model in his life so he doesn't know how to behave in a mature way around women hence chasing much younger women, but again does this justify his behavious or is it making excuses for him, also what role model is he being to his son if you allow him to continue behaving like this, and would you want your son to treat his future partners that way.

MissSophiaGrace · 06/01/2026 19:52

Jaggy1 · 06/01/2026 19:47

I’m in my twenties and if a 50 year old colleague was offering to pick me up from a night out I’d be creeped out by him & think he was pursuing something.

Id be worried that they are so comfortable together & I can’t imagine anyone wouldn’t be.

To be fair, the OP has said that it didn't happen like that. He didn't offer to pick her up from a night out.

Gagaandgag · 06/01/2026 19:53

So disrespectful to you. I’m sorry

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 06/01/2026 20:01

“Geoffrey, I’m concerned about how your mentoring of Susie looks to others at work. She’s already in an HR process regarding Freddie and it’s entirely possible that she could complain to HR about all the help you’ve given her or make accusations that could cause you to lose your job. There are constant reports of cases like this. I really think you need to cut the contact.”

Scout2016 · 06/01/2026 20:05

What on earth makes him think he is the right person to help her with the colleague sexually harassing her? Is he a union rep or does he work in HR or employment law? What a load of tosh.

I can't believe he's said he's depressed. Sorry OP, what a pathetic middle aged cliché. Man caught out having some sort of mid life crisis attempt at being a hero.and winning over a young damsel cries depression when caught out. It'll somehow be your fault next, didn't give him enough attention, let yourself go, prioritise your son, or career, not as much sex or some other bollocks old as the hills excuse.

ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 20:16

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 06/01/2026 20:01

“Geoffrey, I’m concerned about how your mentoring of Susie looks to others at work. She’s already in an HR process regarding Freddie and it’s entirely possible that she could complain to HR about all the help you’ve given her or make accusations that could cause you to lose your job. There are constant reports of cases like this. I really think you need to cut the contact.”

I told him that, he agreed with me at the time. But wouldn't change any behaviour.

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 06/01/2026 20:20

WelshRabBite · 05/01/2026 14:58

He lied to you about his relationship with her (giving lifts etc).

That’s all you need to know about whether this is a good or bad “friendship” in terms of your marriage. He has an ongoing investment of time and energy into an attractive young woman and he LIED to you about it.

Why lie?? It’s because there’s something to hide obviously.

This in abundance

BuckChuckets · 06/01/2026 20:28

ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 19:32

Yes I agree, but in reality there was nothing negative in our marriage at all, we parents and great friends, hence is so hard to get over something like this!

Unfortunately you've 'aged out' of his sexual preferences. Being great friends is a brilliant start for a co-parenting relationship, though, just make sure your son is careful when he gets older and starts bringing female friends/girlfriends around him 😬

pengwig · 06/01/2026 20:28

Not cool at all, either she's playing up to him or weirded out by it. I was in situations like this with older men in the workplace at that age where they were overly attentive and helpful it was always creepy and uncomfortable but at the time you feel you can't say anything or you'll be the one in trouble. I think he needs to back way off and stay professional.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2026 20:32

"John, you are too involved with Lucy. Stop it now, or we have a problem."

"Are you jealous @ilikemycofistrong ?"

"I'm protecting my marriage just like you should, John. "

ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 20:32

BuckChuckets · 06/01/2026 20:28

Unfortunately you've 'aged out' of his sexual preferences. Being great friends is a brilliant start for a co-parenting relationship, though, just make sure your son is careful when he gets older and starts bringing female friends/girlfriends around him 😬

I know right! Another daughter he never had!

OP posts:
ilikemycofistrong · 06/01/2026 20:33

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2026 20:32

"John, you are too involved with Lucy. Stop it now, or we have a problem."

"Are you jealous @ilikemycofistrong ?"

"I'm protecting my marriage just like you should, John. "

Edited

He doesn't see reason why he should stop because he is saying it's not sexual

OP posts:
thestudio · 06/01/2026 20:34

GreggWallace · 05/01/2026 20:48

"All my tears go to my son ". Wtaf?

You should be able to surmise/imagine that not everyone speaks English exactly as you do.

You really do need to think about this stuff before you post what you posted, which seems to be implying some creepiness in the OP, who is actually the hard done by person here.

FlayOtters · 06/01/2026 20:38

OP would you feel comfortable showing him this thread? If he won't take the comments from you that the relationship is inappropriate, maybe he'll take it from all of the comments on here?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2026 20:38

Have you been direct, though? If you have, then you need to decide your next move or live with it.

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