Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

If she's pegged him I'm not surprised he looking for a way out 🤣

Hire a honey trap and see if he bites. Or get some fit, young tradesmen round when he's at work and see how he reacts.

Right I’ve read the whole thing, the not telling you about the lifts = red flag. My husband deliberately didn’t tell me his personal trainer was a woman for months (a couple of years ago). Not that I’d have cared, which is the annoying part, aka they’re making it a thing not us. 23 pfft no offence but their brains aren’t even fully developed yet. Forget this nonsense, go out more, focus on you, remember you’re a catch, don’t let him stress you out, stress is not good for you. He’s not doing anything special that you couldn’t be doing if you wanted to. I’d also tell him you don’t want to hear about her anymore because it gives you the ick :) (ps spare room probs a slippery slope unless you prefer things that way especially with this texting) you got this

I'm embarrassed for him. Another middle aged man who has the hots for a female colleague young enough to be his daughter.

nah, how many times has he felt fatherly to young male colleagues like this.

This is why I have never been keen on larger age gaps like this. I can’t imagine at 40 being interested in a 25 year old man.

Even if you as a 40 year old man want kids plenty of women in their 30s are easily having kids.

Sometimes it’s a genuine connection that two people clicked despite being from two generations and they may not even have realised each other ages initially. There’s always exceptions.

However let’s face it more often it’s about predatory older men who like the power imbalance or middle aged men who want to feel younger and better about themselves by getting with a younger woman.

There’s something deeply wrong (and misogynistic) with these men that their taste in women stays at the same age even as they age. And they often don’t see women their age as attractive at all. They use fertility as an excuse but even on dating sites 60 year old men who don’t want any more kids will go for 45 year old women instead of women their age.

This is why a now 50 year old man is pining after a 23 year old.

It looks like history is repeating itself. He seems to be experiencing a mid life crisis and is clearly not thinking logically. Is there any way you can have a conversation with this young woman. My daughter is 23 and she probably wouldnt have a clue if this was happening to her. This young woman is possibly going to find herself in a situation she cant get out of unless she claims harrassment etc... which she already has experience of. Hopefully she will get the picture and refuse his help. Honestly too your husband is playing with fire. He needs a good talking to and if he refuses to see sense Id ask him to leave.

Yes, we had a conversation about everything what was going and looks like he going trough midlife crisis.
He already changed shifts weeks ago as it was not working for me, but he was very unhappy when I asked him to change it, but I did put it down to the fact that he had a lot more spare time as he would be home when our son is as school and then work in the afternoon so I had to do all school run, bed time and finishing up work as well (I WFH) while he was able go to the gym and shop for new clothes, and obviously be at the same shift pattern as young women and offer lifts etc.
Currently we live in separate bedrooms and I am figuring out things, but apart of the fact that I am obviously hurt but also disgusted with him in some way, I experience a lot of peace to taking break from his needs as it felt like it was non stop in the past year and I am happy to focus jusy on myself and obviously my son.

I see what you saying, but he is staff rep at work, and he does help other people a lot as well, including giving them lifts sometimes. There are a lot men he provides advice to etc.

Mid life crisis - is that what we are calling a 50 year old man preying on a 23 year old woman now? Was he also having a midlife crisis when at 40 he thought getting with a 25 year old was a good idea?

Let’s be honest here, this is who he’s always been and he’s showing a clear pattern.

You can call it what you want but his behaviour in general is creepy, misogynistic foolish and massively disrespectful to both you and the young woman.

It is men like him that make it harder for young women to find mentors and thrive in the workplace because if the older more experienced professional offering help to young women is a male, it often comes at a high price.

Whereas in most cases a young man can readily accept the help without fear of being hit on or setting off rumours.

And yes you should be feeling disgusted, also find your anger, OP.

You may well distract him from this young woman, but what happens when another 20-something woman crosses his path and this one is actually interested in him?

Just re read your massage. What conversation would you suggest to have with her?

Well firstly why are you presuming this 23 year old girl is being preyed on & not lapping up the attention ?? & isn’t interested in OPS husband how do you know she’s not interested in him ??
Because all I know is when men give us women the creeps , we stay miles away from them & don’t engage with them ever , is that not true ??.
I think it’s unfair of you to also say “ how did OPS husband think it was a good idea to get involved with a 25 year old when he was 40 “
Why was it ?? .
Plenty couples are together with that age gap & the men aren’t creeps !
Don’t get me wrong OPS husband needs to cop the fuck on with regard to this young lady or he will fuck his whole life up personally & professionally .

I experience a lot of peace to taking break from his needs as it felt like it was non stop in the past year and I am happy to focus jusy on myself and obviously my son.

That's very telling. I'd be tempted to make that sense of peace permanent and send him packing. You'll have more time and headspace to focus on your son too.

Firstly, OP has not said anything to suggest she is responding in a non platonic way to his attentions so I can only go on the info provided. Secondly, most 23 year old women do NOT want a married 50 year old man with a child 😂. And thirdly if she was interested in OPs husband, he would be having an affair with her already!

She may or may not have realised OPs husband holds a torch for her, but just because she doesn’t know he is being a creep it doesn’t mean he isn’t so I’m not sure what your point is.

I never said she was aware of his intentions. And even if this young 23 year old woman was aware and “lapping it up”, yeah the married 50 year old man is still being a creep.

While there are exceptions yes I do think a 40 year old man with a 25 year old woman is generally a bad idea.

There definitely is a tendency for the older men involved to be predatory and to exploit the power imbalance.

And in this specific case that certainly seems to be the case - OP’s husband has shown himself to have a penchant for younger women.

Evidently OP wasn’t just a one off “age ain’t nothing a number” encounter with his soulmate . Despite the fact he has aged 10 years, he is still going for 20-something year old women - I hardly think it’s a coincidence.

Or maybe he is one of those poor men who just keep finding their soulmates among women young enough to be their daughter 🙄

My husband always goes out his way to gain some badge when comes to women. He isn't straight forward creepy guy you would see, but his constant need of validation got me really exhausted. Especially now when he damages not only his but mine reputation. I know I already am 'feel sorry for her wife' in his colleagues eyes.

Past year all revolved around his insecurities and chasing his youth and worrying about clothes, obsessing around gym etc.

He made his top one priority to make her feel good when I was feeling worse and worse as I was trying constantly be helping him to chase something.

I feel angry, disappointed, stupid and disgusted.

But in the same time I know at least this gives me a power to turn things around for myself.

You were 25 when the (significantly) older man got together with you. He's now chasing another young woman - quelle surprise! 🤔🙄
He's after the younger woman. Clear as day.

Well you made out like this 23 year old Is being preyed on by OPS husband & she’s little Miss Innocent just because she’s 23 & he’s 50 .

Look it’s wrong at the end of the day , no matter the age gap , he has a wife for Gods Sake & he’s walking himself into trouble …
All these stupid men having their head turned by women young enough to be their daughters like you say .🙄

I’m 50 also with twin 24 year olds, boy & a girl .
I couldn’t even get my head around fancying one of my sons friends 🤮.
Isn’t it so mind blowing how different men & womens brains work .

Mid life crisis - is that what we are calling a 50 year old man preying on a 23 year old woman now? Was he also having a midlife crisis when at 40 he thought getting with a 25 year old was a good idea?

OP was an adult, and presumably he was not already married at the time. He is now. That’s what makes this situation dangerous to their marriage. OP I think you should ask him if he thinks this girl is worth risking his marriage for, as that is what he is doing.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this and I have a solid relationship with my husband.

What is his reaction reaction when you ask about the friendship? Is he defensive? Is he honest ?

The fact that he’s hiding how many times he’s done something tells me he already knows you aren’t happy with the arrangement.

Id have a serious conversation about the situation. Because even though it’s not sexual- doesn’t mean if it carry’s on it won’t be.

Protect yourself. Watch your bank accounts closely - for withdrawals and deposits. If those change - find out where that money is going. Catch it early.

Keep track of annual leave. If you can’t account for the days off - is he taking the days privately and not telling you - I had an ex do this and I found out he was on a sex site meeting people.

Don’t tell him you’re tracking any of this.

protect yourself.

Whether she’s “innocent” or not, a 50 year old man sniffing around a 23 year old young enough to be his daughter (and also who is probably in a more junior role to him at work) is most certainly predatory on his part IMO. That’s all I was saying.

Yeah men are more predatory to younger women than women are to younger men typically.

But tbf I know plenty of married and single men 40+ who can look at a 23 year old young woman and think she’s pretty, but wouldn’t dream of getting into a relationship or flirting with her!

Yep, it wouldn’t have taken mystic meg to see this one coming.

Yeah , no , me too .
I know plenty of that age who would appreciate a woman of that ages beauty , but that would be as far as it goes , they’d have no notion of trying to strike up any kind of a relationship.
It is weird now that I think about it some more of OPS husband to be engaging with her the way he does .
Like it’s just plain , simple wrong .
Listen to me , if some 50 year old was carrying on like that with my daughter, I’d be like WTF !
Stay away from him A , he’s a weirdo .

Trust your instincts, female intuition is correct. Lot of gaslighting going on. Call him on it now and set boundaries, all lifts and contact to stop. Better put foot down now before it’s too late. All men want a ticking off from nanny so go for it.

Tell him he is making himself look like real twat and open to ridicule by colleagues or worse by HR. If he is daft for her of course, then ultimation and next step...up to you.

Nope, there's no shame on your part x