Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

the lying would be the dealbreaker for me

I don’t expect my husband to tell me who he gives lifts to, but he usually does because we talk about things like that. The fact that he hid giving her lifts is what sparked all my doubts about this relationship.
Eventually, I confronted him to better understand the nature of this friendship. I also brought up that he’s recently become obsessed with the gym, buying new clothes, and constantly seeking validation about his looks. I asked him directly if he’s doing all this to make himself feel better or for her attention.
He denies having any sexual intentions toward this young woman.

Don't feel insecure, feel angry!

He is being hugely, hugely creepy. It is inappropriate in every way. He has to stop.

I have a daughter myself but can also distinctly remember being 23 and at the start of my career. There were so many disgusting older men, crossing boundaries all over the place. I never breathed a word, because I felt like the risks outweighed the benefits, I had no evidence as such, the usual thing.

There is a chance this young colleague hasn't realised yet just how awful he is being, but will, and could end up feeling really disgusted and, worst case scenario, guilty for having entertained and encouraged his foul actions.

Please tell him this, and get him to leave this poor young woman alone.

Given your age gap, he clearly has a thing for females junior to him, so do keep keeping an eye...

Ah you have a huge age gap yourself.. so he likes the young ones.

Him suddently being obsessed with going to the gym, buying new clothes and seeking constant validation about how he looks certainly would ring alarm bells for me. He's also kept the frequency of his lifts for her secret from you.

She is pretty much the same age as you were when you got together with him. He's a Peter Pan character who has never grown up and the older he gets, the bigger the age gap between him and the woman that he is pursuing.

Yeah I was about to say it’s your insecurity till you revealed you’re on 35 and got with him at 25, I’d suspect he’s into young women and you maybe getting past your sell by date. So I’m afraid I also think he’s going after her

You mention he gives her lifts after nights out - is this nights out where he’s also present, or he goes and picks her up from HER night out?

I couldn't say if it's reciprocated but he certainly has his eye on her

Tbh I think it's time for a hard word. He's really close to making a fool of himself and risking your marriage.

As unpleasant as it is, I think you have to spell it out to him.

And the age gap stuff is grim tbh.

Was he in a relationship when you met him OP?

This was after night out he was also on, he wasn't drinking, and after night out he was driving her round with her pals to find some afterparty place.

This was after night out he was also on, he wasn't drinking, and after night out he was driving her round with her pals to find some afterparty place.

Oh OP... come on...

One of those threads that leaves you hoping it's all made up.

Yes, I did spell it out to him. In fact at the begging I was really cool about it as we have very close and really great marriage. But my gut feeling wouldn't let me to leave it alone and once I started putting this altogether I needed an outside view.

If this is what people are suggesting I will not be able to get passed that. Our marriage is at it absolute best right now so I really can't comprehend his actions.

No and he doesn't have a history of cheating

At best he’s embarrassing himself and everyone they work with will be able to tell a mile off that he’s got a crush on her.

Which makes me cringe due to the age difference let alone the fact he’s not single.

He obviously likes the attention of women who are in their early 20s and isn’t growing out of that despite now being literally more than double her age.

I would find everything about this so offputting.

The second example you give - did he actually go out late at night to pick her and her mates up? I don't get how he came to be there at all? First example not a massive red flag per se (but there are lots of moving parts here)

Seems clear to me they were at the same bar or whatever after work and he gave them all a lift to wherever they wanted to go

How can it be its best when he is chasing a 23 year old?

Because he's being extra nice to OP to throw her off the scent? I don't want to believe it but...

Big red flags for an affair

He likes younger women and now he's turning to someone nearly the age you were when you met and getting fit and buying new clothes. He's fixing himself up for her, not you. He goes out to party with her late at night.

Your marriage is not in the place you think it is.

He's risking his livelihood. I hope you work at a career where you can support yourself.

Get STI checks.

It's all so cringe OP, he's making a tit of himself and other colleagues will have noticed. It's extremely disrespectful to you and your son. Ask him if he'd like you to be doing all this with a male colleague ... he'd be furious.

You H fancies her. It's so blatantly obvious. At best it's embarrassing, unprofessional and leaves him wide open to allegations. He needs to be very careful he'll damage his relationship, his reputation and potentially his career.

OP i think you need to think about this...
A man of his age who already married someone much younger than him, hanging around with someone who is roughly the same age as his younger wife was when he met her, is NOT a good look. The fact that he wont acknowledge that, is a massive red flag. Surely if he didnt have a penchant for younger women and you were an anomaly, he would be keen to steer away from such a reputation....

He is skating on thin ice. The young woman has already reported one older male colleague for sexual harassment, which she’s perfectly entitled to do of course. But this should be reason enough for your DH to do absolutely nothing that could possibly be misconstrued.

Well yes quite, especially with OPs more recent updates, in that he has a liking for younger women and is currently gyming it and buying new clothes etc. It’s quite clear from the outside he’s pursuing a MUCH younger woman who isn’t interested (hopefully) makes it worse in a way really, BUT he’ll keep bluffing I’m sure!

This is absolutely spot on!