Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

I dont think its an emotional affair because it doesn't sound like its reciprocated.
Its a crush basically isn't it?
He needs to get a grip. Obviously he's getting self esteem by feeling like her saviour as that's the only role he can have as doubtless she isn't interested in him romantically. Bet his narrative to himself is that there's no harm as nothing sexual will ever happen. But obviously its disrespectful and the harm is that its effecting you as you can see he has a crush on her.

Yeah it seems a lot. Isn't he concerned about getting a sexual harassment case from HR off her the same way the other bloke did? What he's doing sounds no different.

He's clearly wishing it was an EA though tbh I doubt she sees it that way or fancies his old arse.

Absolutely agree. History repeating itself, older man going after a younger woman.

Hi op Is this your dh saying solid 9 or have you met her? I was going to say the age difference might be in your favour but then you said you were only 25 when you got together and I had a friend who married her boss exactly same age difference and the gym and new clothes he is definitely trying to impress her get her attention but hopefully she won’t go there with a married man with a son but who knows. You are right to be concerned. Is he kind and generous and a good listener to you.

No evidence to suggest she’s interested in her ultra supportive older colleague but I think it’s highly suspicious that she is spending so much time with him and relying on him emotionally given she’s had a bad enough experience with another older colleague to report it. Surely if it was you, you would keep steer clear of another one and get your support elsewhere.

This

I'd be worried OP.
Lots of red flags

The old saying 'There's no fool, like an old fool' springs to mind! Yes, he could be an older man, who's sniffing around a young woman, and is manipulating her. However, not all younger women are innocent - some see an older man, who they can reel in using their looks to buy them gifts, have them on tap for lifts etc. His ego gets the better of him, and before you know it, he's infatuated. This is a scenario that could be either way. However, he's an idiot, who could very easily find himself on the receiving end of a sexual harassment claim or colleagues start noticing (if they haven't already). He's heading to career suicide, especially as he's more senior to her. You've pointed out the fact he's an idiot, he's agreed with you, so now you wait and see what he does now. He should cut contact with her, but if he's smitten, then my guess is he won't.

This is really weird and creepy. At 23 (28 now) I would never have dreamed of asking a married man my dad’s age to give me lifts after a night out.

If one had offered I would have politely declined but would have felt weird about it.

I would definitely be suspicious especially as you’re significantly younger than him. He clearly has a thing for younger woman.

I saw her picture as she pop up on Instagram and she has unusual name so I did know is her.
I need to say our marriage was great, very affectionate tell everything to each other like best friends, I really can't believe I got myself into this situation but my gut feeling is so strong it literally makes me so uneasy!
Prior to that I would always say there is not a chance for my husband cheat.

Hero complex, he is hoping she will fall in love with him.

He already has a younger wife (15 years younger), but that's not enough, the idiot thinks he can also bag a woman 26 years younger.

Ew.

the worrying thing here is he was 40 when he met you at age 25. So for him meeting much younger women is normal

It's never 60 year old Winifred from Accounts either.

Let’s hope your wrong but the gut feeling is bad enough to manage try to date more or spend more time away from phones hopefully he will come to his senses. Good luck op.

I feel for you -been there. DH felt sorry for a youngish pretty lady at work (she had 2 kids, partner left her, many family issues). Gave her lifts, helped her move furniture, gave her a tv we didn’t need, bottles of wine we didn’t need, I saw some texts - nothing bad but little too affectionate for my liking. I confronted him and I blew up. He admitted he was silly (promised nothing else happened - going on the texts I believe him). He dropped a hint to guy at work who said he had also helped her, loaned her money etc. yet he realised he was being used, so she obv moved on to my DH ! Men are just stupid. But who knows where it would have gone if I didn’t speak up. People may say I am silly to forgive him - but my choice

He needs to be very careful, considering her other case.
If anything, he’s being incredibly stupid, in light of this…

His lying is not acceptable behaviour, he may or may not be having a physical relationship with this woman but he is lying because he intends to have an affair given the opportunity and is trying to down play it.

When a man we knew ( note knew , we stopped contact with him ) started up an infatuation / affair with a much younger woman he did all the things you said , joined a gym , new clothes and he also changed the music he listened to ( more modern ) and suddenly went overboard with his aftershave collection . Is that something your dh is doing as well ?

Just wanted clarify some things. M

My husband wasn't picking up her from night out as she called him. They were on the same night out and he was driving, it was work party. After that he was driving her and other same age girls round to find place like something to eat etc.

As I said he is good husband, I thought we had a great relation with small stuff going now and then.

I am hurt mostly as he got himself obsessed with her, putting himself into stupid position as yes people at his work 100% will talk. I didn't see any messages from her, I know they have exchanged some but he said he deleted them.

Yes to all of it.

He was aiming to go to the gym like 5 days a week. But I also go to the gym so I didn't find this suspicious at all. But he really started care what he is wearing. And yes we literally just picked up a new aftershave for him couple of weeks ago!

This is exactly my thoughts, my husband is either pursuing younger girl or is actually the stupidest man I ever met!
Eiter way he always gonna make something like this won't he!

It sounds like you're bigging him up to justify excepting second best - probably cos you have a son together. But you need to put your happieness first.

Unfortunately OP, if he’s anything like my ex his pursuits will only keep getting younger as he got older. There’s always be a newer model around the corner.

And even if that’s not the case, the moment you find it upsetting should be enough for him to put some brakes on it.

I’ve had lifts before from an older coworker and there was nothing inappropriate about it (in fact when I left that job my coworker wrote me a card saying he loved me like his own daughter and I still get teary about it!), but I also didn’t discuss personal matters, nights out, etc.
Conversely, I’ve had coworkers my age so close to an older coworker that to this day I’m not 100% convinced there wasn’t something else going on. At least emotionally.

Yes I agree, but in reality there was nothing negative in our marriage at all, we parents and great friends, hence is so hard to get over something like this!