Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

I was considering this yes, I might print it all out and just let him read it!

Just send the link to him.
I hope you resolve this. 💐

Ask yourself (and him)
"Would he do the exact same things if the colleague was a 23 year old male?"
If he claims he's just being friendly and helpful to a younger staff member the answer should be yes.
But truly it's not going to be yes is it?
He's got hero aspirations at the minimum and he wouldn't have them with a male colleague regardless of age.

Oh yeah. Sure it's about the daughter he never had. So that's why he's flinging himself into the gym, is it?

Lying toad.

If you're not doing anything wrong then there's no need to hide anything!
Oh and it didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreacted is NOT a valid reason for withholding truth!!!

It’s really pathetic of him to hide behind “it’s not sexual” as if that absolves him of inappropriate behaviour.

It’s bloody humiliating to have your husband publicly panting after a young attractive colleague. He has a crush and has acted on it. I couldn’t get over it. 💐

He would never offer that level of support to some fat bloke in accounts. It’s always the women.

So so true.

You don't think that your attitude might be swayed a little bit by the actions of your creepy father?!

He would never offer that level of support to some fat bloke in accounts. It’s always the women.

I actually think this is a brilliant sentence to say flatly to men who do this. Because it's spot on.

This is just so.....sad. And pathetic of your DH. Trying desperately to party with the twenty somethings, when he's very easily old enough to be their Father.

Then there's the new clothes, hitting the gym etc. It's classic text book. My father behaved exactly the same when he had an affair with his pretty secretary, who was 18 years younger than him. Oh, he also bought a snazzy new sports car too.

OP, I don't know how you can respect your DH after all this?

@ilikemycofistrong what are any of the texts like from her ?

Ask him how he would feel if an attractive man kept doing for you what he’s doing for her?

Why delete messages?…

He definitely wants to shag her (and maybe more).

I believe men and women can simply be friends but he is going above and beyond. I doubt he would do this for the 23 year old men he works with.

This. It’s never young men they feel “protective” of in this manner.

Yep. He likes a younger woman and OP is ageing out in his eyes.

I completely agree with this! I had unwanted attention from a sleazy older colleague when I was in my 20's and someone else grassed him up for it. I didn't want that attention and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to go and get that sort of attention from another older male colleague. The young female colleagues behaviour doesn't feel normal to me, she's hardly traumatized by the behaviour of an older make colleague of she's going out of her way to hang around another older male colleague.

Any idea what her feelings are for him? Have you had the chance to observe them together?

I worked at a place (agency work) where one of the team members had started referring to herself as the dept. boss's 'work wife.' She was 28 (junior position) and he was a silver fox type of mid 50s and in quite a high position. You can imagine the tensions it was causing in the team, with everyone gossiping if they were having an affair. The woman I worked with, was his deputy and she was furious, hated Miss Work Wife, who was pushy and you could see was very, very ambitious. She felt totally usurped. Unfortunately I never found out how it ended as my contract finished, but it was like Games of Thrones, while I was there..

Could it be possible that she is playing your husband? Is he a higher grade?

Hi op I was on a similar post to yours a few weeks ago dh wouldn’t give up his female friend she gave him the thread to read similar replies to your post and he said we were all men hating bitter women so don’t be too surprised if he turns it back on you discussing your relationship with random strangers.

He doesn't see why anything should change because (according to him) there's nothing sexual going on? Well, does he not care at all that it's making you uncomfortable and potentially putting his career at risk?

I'd be disgusted by and angry with my husband if he cared more about helping a colleague than how it made me feel. You're not constantly demanding he cut off friendships, I assume, so when you rarely do feel so strongly about something, he ought to respect that. He should care enough about how you feel to sacrifice playing the role of hero / emotional support / good buddy to this colleague.

ETA: If she truly is a 9 at the tender age of 23, there will be no shortage of people willing to step in to help her. He can rest easy at night knowing she isn't completely helpless and without friends. 🙄

My DSD relationship broke down due to a similar situation. There was no affair or emotional entanglement, but her partner put this younger woman ahead of everything including being away for the weekend and wanting to drive 100 mile home so he could take her to hospital to visit her GF - I mean what's wrong with a taxi?

I'm sorry @ilikemycofistrong he has deceived you because he knows you wouldn't be happy for him to be doing what he's doing. He is showing his motives are not innocent. She however is unlikely to be interested in a man twice her age unless she thinks he has money 🙄

I think you are shutting out a lot of the other major concerns such as the husbands history of needing far younger partners, the fact that he is now obsessing over changing his image, the fact that this girl has already reported another older male colleague yet is now going out of her way to get close to yet another older male colleague! It's easy to tell the OP she's being unreasonable when it's not your husband doing it to you and you don't have to acknowledge all the blatant red flags of the situation.

My thoughts also.

'the fact that this girl has already reported another older male colleague yet is now going out of her way to get close to yet another older male colleague!'

That's what makes me suspicious! Young girls don't normally buddy up with older men, and if she had been already bothered by one, she wouldn't want to spent her time with another. Let's not be naive, we've all worked with opportunistic women who are on the make. * *Maybe the OP will be lucky and she'll drop her husband and move on to another. Sounds like she's already turned him into a taxi service. He probably thinks he's in with a chance! As they say, there's no fool like an old fool.