Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

Nope. He’s being her hero. Her shoulder to cry on. He’s hoping for more than friendship from her.

He would never offer that level of support to some fat bloke in accounts. It’s always the women.

Your h needs to watch it. Other than betraying you, she might just turn and label his ott attentiveness as sexual harassment. She might be horribly uncomfortable with it all.

I would call it out. And I would be so so embarrassed for him. Not your fault AT ALL that he’s making a fool of himself.

I wouldn't like this. It's not insecurity as you've discovered he lied. Sorry OP

Difficult to say really. With such a substantial age gap it could be that he’s taken her under his wing and feels protective of her in a sort of father-daughter way if that makes sense. For example, a colleague of mine is mid 50s and he mentors our newest colleague who is mid 20s. I never get creepy vibes, I think he just wants to make sure she feels supported and such.

If you have daughters who are a similar age, this could also play a part e.g he wants to ensure she gets home safe after nights out which is a perfectly kind thing to do.

I’d ask him outright and judge from his reaction, I’m sure you know when he’s lying.

I think you've pegged him correct as being her "rescuer" and yes, their relationship is staring to come into your marriage and home, so that crosses boundaries. He's keeping their outside of work contacts secret and that a huge red flag. So is the gift giving. This sounds more like it's crossed into a physical affair.

He has better be extremely careful if she's already been the victim of and reported sexual harassment by a senior at her workplace. He's a complete dumbass to be alone with her in the car on their rides to and from work and anywhere else.

Thank your for all responses so far.
We don't have daughter similar age, I'm in fact only 35 myself and we have school age son.
When I confronted him, he said he does look at her like daughter and not in sexual way at all (obviously he would not said otherwise to my face).

I voted YABU, as while the intention may be there from him there is no suggestion she is interested so it’s not reciprocated so not an emotional affair. Appears he is trying to downplay it also with the ‘like a daughter comment’

Maybe, but I rarely see middle aged men go out of their way to mentor younger male colleagues and make sure they feel comfortable. Nor have I noticed many men taking an active interest in the careers of unattractive women, or lesbians.

My father always thought of himself as a committed mentor of brilliant young minds - and won all sorts of teaching awards - but the brilliant young minds always belonged to attractive and vulnerable female students, with whom he had numerous affairs over the years (and married 3 of them, my mother included).

So I am extremely cynical about men’s ’protective’ impulses towards younger women over whom they wield institutional power.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, that should be enough for him to stop.
If he doesn’t stop, you have your answer…

Hmm, difficult one. How did he react when you found out about the lifts? I'm not sure I'd be bothered by this, as I give and receive lifts from work colleagues all the time, both male and female. If it makes sense to car share, then we do. I guess it depends on the details, like how far out of his way he is going, etc.

I find the support in her harassment case completely normal, and even commendable (as long as he's not being creepy with it obviously!) - he's senior to her, has more job and life experience, and supportive colleagues can be really invaluable when you're just starting out in the world of work. A much older (male) colleague offered to guide me through tax codes/pensions etc when I was a lot younger than 23 - there was nothing untoward in it, and he saved me a lot of money. I also don't think it's strange to pass along a job opportunity.

I guess it all depends on your spidey senses and his demeanour when talking about it. Has he got previous for this kind of thing?

He lied to you about his relationship with her (giving lifts etc).

That’s all you need to know about whether this is a good or bad “friendship” in terms of your marriage. He has an ongoing investment of time and energy into an attractive young woman and he LIED to you about it.

Why lie?? It’s because there’s something to hide obviously.

He doesn’t have to go out of his way—he passes her place on his route—so at first, I wasn’t bothered by it. The issue for me is that he always tells me when he gives someone else a lift, but never when it’s her. I only found out because one time he had to wait over 30 minutes for her, which made him late home, and he explained why. Later, when he started mentioning her more often, I asked how often he gives her a lift, and it turns out it’s every time they work together—so about twice a week.

Lying is not acceptable. It's not you being insecure, he's made you feel that way by his actions.
He needs to stop.

But the problem remains for the op then? If she were receptive then he’d go for it? And if it’s not this woman then another one will be willing in future?

With some men I'd think he was just looking out for them, like he would a daughter. Given your age gap though, I would be worried that there's more too it. How old were you when you got together?

We have been together for 10 years, so I was 25 he was 40 when we got together.

Does she have any other way of getting to work, e.g. what happens when he's on annual leave? Is it at all possible he's been sucked in by a CF? (Trying v hard to give him the benefit of the doubt!)

Yes, she has a bus stop right next to work and her house. I am also trying justify this here. The drop off is 11pm so I can totally understand that. But I feel like pick ups aren't as necessary!

Is she fit? Assuming she is, then certainly he's not thinking with his brain, sniffing around her.

He should check himself before he loses his dignity and, more importantly, his family.

Yeah she is solid 9

I'm normally the last person to see these things but even for me this does suggest a one-sided emotional affair. I don't think she's interested though. I find it particularly iffy thst he's supporting her with the whole older male pursuing her when it certainly looks like he's doing the same.

It's a sad old tale isn't it. Such a cliche. Older man comes to the rescue of pretty young woman. Makes him feel strong, important, wanted.

The lying is oviously wrong. But this bit
"Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement."
it wouldn't even occur to me to ask my husband about how much I dealt with colleagues. They're colleagues. Some need more involvement, management or support than others. It's nothing to do with him.

I wouldn't ask how my OH felt about me giving lifts etc. But something about this makes you uncomfortable. Have you talked to.him?

Well. I think this is your answer.

He is being uber helpful to her because he fancies her. He likes the younger women. He wouldn’t bother with Sarah on Reception or Bob in Facilities. He wants to be careful she doesn’t report him for being a creep at some stage when the penny drops why he is being so attentive.