Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

She has already had an older man make advances towards her at work and now your husband (27 years her senior is falling all over himself to ‘help’ her) I am not victim blaming but I’ve met a few women like this. She sounds like she encourages friendship / flirting

FFS. At 30 I could go to the pub on my own with a book and a dog on a Saturday afternoon, in my wellies and dog walking clothes, and some old man would think I’d gone there in order to shag him. Some men think women who make eye contact with them want to shag them. That’s far more common than what you’ve come up with to excuse the men in this scenario.

This. I think if he didn’t have form for this type of behaviour. I’d say he was being overly helpful and paternalistic which could come across as creepy and needed to chill out on being “helpful”.

but because he does…he needs to back the hell up as it’s disrespectful and pervy. And she is most definitely not interested.

This makes it sound like the poor old man diesnt have a choice. He’s a slave to his middle aged libido and simply cannot resist any pretty young woman.

FGS!

How many male colleagues or older women 60+ does he do all that for?

That's true I remember going to the pub in literally jeans and a hoodie and getting groped by dirty old men when I was in my early 20s.
That said I'm also baffled by women, indeed people, who don't maintain appropriate professional boundaries at work. Both ops husband and the lady have crossed so many professional lines. Both are making themselves vulnerable to rumor and potential professional consequences. .

Well, if I was going say none, this would have been a lie! He does that very occasionally, and none else seem to live this much in our areas as she does. So if if I was solely judging this but lifts there probably wouldn't be an issue. But yeah everything else is just him pushing himself onto her as hurtful as it is.

Oh please! Accepting multiple lifts to and from work and after a night out from a married man who is more than double your age? When you’ve already had an old perve trying it on? The husband is a complete shit but she’s hardly acting like a woman that doesn’t enjoy male attention / favours when it suits her is she? More like she’s taking everything she can from disgusting old leeches! I hope she embarrasses him, I don’t blame her at all but she likely knows exactly what she’s doing IMO.
Edit: Wrong person I think but won’t let me delete.

He has a crush. I would not be happy about this.

I’m entitled to my opinion. I absolutely think he’s gross and hope he loses his wife and his job. But I’m allowed to think she’s using him and using her charms to get everything she wants from him and other men. Good for her tbh, no judgement from me actually, just stating what I think is happening.

another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment

So he knows this has happened to her before and she filed a complaint. She just had that happen yet she's going around with your husband like she's dating him.

Yet this middle aged man spends multiple times of day with his young coworker alone. He goes partying with her at night. He's giving her gifts and urging her to call him anytime.

And that's besides his recent attempts to have a midlife glow up.

This is time he's taking away from his wife and child to spend with what sounds like a possible sugar baby.

Is he trying to commit career suicide? Because he has put himself in a really bad position here career wise and he's laid himself open to claims of sexual harassment. Get yourself ready for that because he has less than zero sense of self preservation.

Are you working and can you support your son and yourself on your own?

Sorry just to clarify to anyone, she had not filled complaint against the person. She told my husband about everything has been going on and then decided not to pursue with the complaint. Which at the time didnt make my think anything but now I think that there could have been two sides to the story and she isnt totally a victim. My husband keep saying she is very very smart for her age. I think complete opposite though.

Yes, I can be fully independent and leave. All my tears go to my innocent son though.

He may not have a history of cheating but he certainly has a history of trying to bag young woman as an older man.

I don’t want to cause hurt feelings, but you may well have expired for him now that you’re a 35yr old mother, which is utterly grim on his part

As the MN saying goes, it’s never a man they intimately befriend is it? Trust your gut, OP.

At the weekend I was by a coffee shop. There was a young girl, I would say late teens, sitting outside with a dog. It looked like she was waiting for someone. A man came out, I would say mid 60s, unkempt, eyes lit up at the sight of the girl. Made a comment about her dog, ok just being friendly. Then he said someone should take a photo of you sitting there like that…mmm. Then he said do you come here often. He was leaning over her at that point. This 40 years plus older man was trying to flirt with her. His creepy behaviour ceased when her male friend came out with the coffee. What on earth goes through their heads? So sleazy.

Oh, so your husband's the dumbest man in the world.

I hope your son takes more after you.

"All my tears go to my son ". Wtaf?

That’s how you read it. It doesn’t read like that to
me. I’m a self confessed misandrist. I would never in a million years think that he has no control here. I used words like pathetic to describe him. I hope he loses everything and my thoughts on the young woman are ‘good for her, if they’re pathetic and desperate enough to give her things that save her money and propel her career’ however, I think she knows exactly what she is doing and that is my opinion of which I am entitled to.

As I said, we do what i thought make happy family. Now most likely I will have to divorce his father. I will be ok, my son mostl likely will not

I suspect the OP is not a native English speaker, judging by the way she writes. French, perhaps?

I also brought up that he’s recently become obsessed with the gym, buying new clothes, and constantly seeking validation about his looks. I asked him directly if he’s doing all this to make himself feel better or for her attention.
He denies having any sexual intentions toward this young woman.

In the words of Mandy Rice Davies - he would say that, wouldn't he.

Right I see what you mean, apologies, yes, English isnt my first language!

This is not his job. She should find someone else.
As others have said would he be doing all this for a man.

He's it totally upfront with you either.

Sounds like this young woman is shortly going to have a second sexual harassment case to pursue. What a pathetic fool he is.

Here come the age gap police again.
Nothing to do with age gap its because she is a female.

I disagree, it probably is to do with power as well