Is this my insecurity or husbands emotional affair?

[ilikemycofistrong]

I need some honest perspective because I’m really struggling to make sense of this. My husband is 50 and recently befriended a colleague who is 23. At first, I had no issues with it, but over time I noticed patterns that make me uncomfortable.
He seems to take every opportunity to make nice gestures for her:
Giving her lifts home after work (he hid how often this happened)
Giving her lifts to work (also didn’t tell me)
Lifts after nights out
Suggesting her for a job opportunity I passed to him (she declined)
Offering her cinema tickets I had to give away
Getting very involved in her work harassment case (another older manager was pursuing her, and it was close to sexual harassment). He told her she could text or call him anytime she needed support.
Not once did he check in with me about how I feel about this or ask if I’m okay with the level of involvement. It feels like he’s obsessed with being her “rescuer” and getting her validation.
Am I overreacting? Is this just insecurity on my part, or does this cross into emotional affair territory? Please, I’d really appreciate an honest talk and any advice from those who’ve been through similar situations.

I tried to keep this brief but please ask any questions.

Thank you, all your points are very valid to me and this is confirming my thoughts.

I have told him all that - he is putting himself in situation where people will make allegations, where she can she him as the one who makes moves on her, he disrespecting me.
He said he was unaware, he now can she where I am coming from, he says he feels depressed as he what damaged he could have made.

So am I either married to to lying cheater or someone incredibly stupid? Either way, shame on me...

He's crossing all sorts of boundaries. I would point out it's not just putting your relationship at risk but also his professional career.

No shame on you, OP. Shame on him.

Doubly so for even daring to mention being "depressed".

What a terrible, small man he is. And a liar.

I wish you all the best OP.

He is depressed because you are onto him. Sleazy git.

Op, wait and see if he really HAS taken on board what might have happened, or whether he's just telling you what you want to hear.

She doesn't sound up for an affair, she sounds like a 23 year old who is slightly taking advantage of a man who's panting after her and offering to make life easier for her. So all I can see here is that he is going to make himself look stupendously ridiculous in the eyes of everyone who can see what's going on.

By the way, I worked with a lot of older men when I was 23. I was incredibly unattractive and never had anyone offering to help me with any aspect of the job.

Oh god, what an emotional manipulation. He must think you’re thick.

He's lying to you, or at least hiding the truth. That's always a problem. Tell him he's embarrassing himself and she probably finds him creepy.

I doubt she’s interested in him. I remember being in my mid 20s and men in their 40s and 50s would be falling over themselves to help me out and mentor me. They never gave that kind of attention to other men or people who were not conventionally attractive. I used to laugh and think they were dirty old pervs, there’s no way any of them ever had any chance with me in a romantic way. I thought they were embarrassing themselves.

There was never anything I could report, nothing untoward that couldn’t be explained as “just being helpful and supportive” but it was definitely obvious that 40 year old Kevin was like a rat up a drain pipe trying to help 24 year old me and not my equivalent male colleague.

It sounds like your husband is that kind of man.

In my experience, married men especially those with an age gap as large as almost 30 years don’t get involved at all with younger women. When an attractive younger woman joins the office, everyone takes note of course but they usually immediately form a friendship with the younger crowd who take them under their wing.

I think DH just using he sees her as a daughter as an excuse. The colleague is a grown woman and can fend for herself. Other than the night time lifts which would be considered kind and well meaning, the rest is just creepy old man enamoured with younger woman and the attention he gets I think.

Gross.

He has no place thinking of her 'as a daughter' which I doubt he does anyway.

I'd find him horrid and feel extremely uncomfortable with all that attention from a man twice my age.

Hmmm.

Leonardo DiCaprio always seems to have a mid-twenties girlfriend. No matter how old he is.

👀

Yeah, he's "depressed" because you've sussed his seedy little game. The lying, pathetic old cunt. He obviously thinks you're stupid OP. Actually scrub that, he really doesn't give a shit what you think. He's hoping to get into this girl's knickers and men of his age always pass it off as being "fatherly". I've been at the receiving end inumerable times when I was younger. Makes you want to vomit doesn't it.

"he says he feels depressed as he what damaged he could have made."

Now the poor 🤡 is depressed because he can't come up with a good excuse for driving a 23 year old around late night to party. He's not fucking her, he's just driving her. Like I said, STI testing for both of you. He thinks you're blind or stupid.

Definitely shame on him. Disgusting old perve. 🤢🤡

Sorry op but I cringed with the driving her around to find a party. He 100% is chasing her. Tell him he is behaving like a sleezy old man ! Shameful

50 yrs old and driving round with 20 something yr olds looking for a party? Well hello ladies! He's busted but to her she maybe seeing a sugar daddy (or just getting a lift). But he's thinking about a change isn't he. Leonardo would understand.

Why is he going to such an effort to drive her and her mates around looking for a party? Dearie me.

I'm absolutely cringing at idea of a 50 year old bloke driving round a group of 25 year olds on a night out. Completely mortifying.

Either she thinks he's a sleaze who she knows she can take advantage of, or she's into him - there's not enough information on her either way. But given your own age gap relationship I'd be telling him to stop the lifts and embarassing behaviour pronto.

Literal daughter.

He's replacing you. Leopards spots

He will pretend to break contact with her, but just become more secretive.

My daughter in her 20’s has guys like that at work. Get him told..he’s disgusting and chasing young women like an old perv. Embarrassing and no it’s not
fatherly that’s an awful way to describe it.

He’s trying to line up your replacement. Sorry to be so blunt but that’s what it is.

You know that he likes much younger women and whatever bullshit he’s peddling worked for him at least once. Now his ego is inflated and he thinks he can do it again with an even bigger gap as long as he gets fit enough and dresses well enough. Pathetic, and frankly foul.

I’m not even going to read the comments because I’m so sure of what this is. She has already had an older man make advances towards her at work and now your husband (27 years her senior is falling all over himself to ‘help’ her) I am not victim blaming but I’ve met a few women like this. She sounds like she encourages friendship / flirting to the point that the men think they are either in with a chance or are her saviour. Then when they cross the line she complains because MOST 23 year old women don’t actually want a 50 year old married man. Your husband obviously fancies her, I don’t care what anyone says it’s gross and she is completely using him so he’s also an old fool to boot. I don’t have any advice tbh, I would watch it play out if I were you, hopefully he gets the sack when he inevitably crosses the line (that she herself will have blurred in order to gain favours such as getting lifts) and realises what a fool he’s been. I doubt you’ll still see a future with him by that point though - they’re really pathetic.

Your age gap gives you the answer- history repeating itself. My ex had a “platonic friend that he had to support “ This has hilariously carried on through his next few relationships. He’s never supported male colleagues! And rarely me. They are twats. Call him out.