Am i being ungrateful for my bday ?

[CleverOpalPanda]

My birthday is coming up soon and I’m feeling a bit deflated about it, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair.
My boyfriend has said money is tight this month, which I understand. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday I said it was up to him, as I’m not expecting anything expensive. However, when I later asked if we were going out to celebrate, he seemed surprised and said money wasn’t good so we’d stay in and order a takeaway.
I felt disappointed as I’d really hoped to dress up and go out for dinner. I even offered to pay myself, but he refused, saying it wouldn’t make sense for me to pay on my own birthday.
What’s bothering me is that he knew my birthday was coming up, but he’s said he spent a lot recently on himself over the holidays — buying designer stuff like a 200 pound hat and going out most nights with his brother. It makes me feel like my birthday wasn’t planned or prioritised at all.
This stings a bit because I went all out and saved for his birthday and made a real effort to make it special. A month ago he was even suggesting places we could go for my birthday, so I’m confused by the sudden change.
I don’t need gifts or expensive plans — I can buy myself things — it’s more about the effort and feeling celebrated. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this, or is this just one of those situations where expectations need adjusting?
I Dont want him to feel pressure around it but this is my first birthday with him and I fear is going to set the tone on how I am gone be prioritised and celebrated in the future.

I think that you can’t tell him he can decide and then be annoyed at what decision he makes. However, I can see why you feel your birthday isn’t prioritised. Is he normally selfish?

I think some people find birthdays much more important than others. Those people tend to do much more for others than perhaps they want or expect but then get upset when it’s not reciprocated. Perhaps treat his future birthdays in the same way he has treated yours and spend the money you save on something that you want.

He asked what you wanted and you didn’t tell him .
Unfortunately most men are a bit dim when it comes to birthdays and have to be told/instructed exactly what you want … otherwise you end up with nothing and doing nothing.
It’s not ideal but it’s how they have been raised and allowed to function.

He’s spent all his money and so your birthday is the expense he’s cut. You’re not a priority.

Get dressed up and go out and celebrate your birthday....with someone else.

This doesn't sound a good start to a relationship if you can't even agree on how to spend birthdays.
Either talk to him about how you feel or end the relationship.
It's as simple as that.

How old are you, how long have you been together?

Does he have previous form for being rubbish with money or spending on unnecessary things?

How is he with money in day to day life, do you find yourself being the one to pay for coffees/parking etc when you’re out and about and he avoids these things?

🗑️

Thats how I feel now but last month he was suggesting spas and so on.
We broke up and got back together few days ago and the spending spree happend while we were not together so now he has no money ,he said if we can do it later we can celebrate it properly.
He has given me gifts before for no reason and he always pays never lets me pay for dinner or anything basically so I want to understand instead of draw conclusions.

How long have you been together? You say it's your first birthday together so is it more like almost a year or only a month?

I think when he asked you what you wanted for your birthday you should have then said I want to go out for my birthday, perhaps to x restaurant, rather than a gift.

I really think it depends on how long you have been a relationship for as to whether he values you and sees you as important or not. Also whether his recent spends were typical - does he normally see his brother for instance (and maybe the nights out were frequent but not as much as you think as maybe the brother paid?), and buying an expensive hat (which seems excessive in my opinion) may be him using money he was gifted for Christmas to treat himself and buy something nice.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. As an adult, it’s absolutely possible to plan ahead and prioritise putting money away for the things that matter. I’d be upset that a hat for himself matters more to him than celebrating you on your birthday.

My DP’s birthday is in December, but I still ensured I’d put money away each month to buy him a couple of gifts and pay to take him out for a meal.

My DD’s birthday is this week, and again I’ve ensured that I’ve put away money each month to pay for a modest party for her and some gifts.

Birthdays matter to me. I like somebody to feel celebrated on their day, and I like to feel the same, too. I’d be upset at the lack of thought and forward planning here.

I am going to give you some free advice.

Dont make this man your husband or the father of your children.

You should have stayed broken up.
He can buy a £200 hat but cant take you to wagamamas or pizza express???

He either cant budget people who dont have 5/10k savings have no business pissing £200 up the wall on a hat (that's a 🚩) or he is selfish (that's also a 🚩)

He won't even let YOU pay to have the day you want...thats another 🚩. How many do you need?

Dump him and buy yourself flowers a la Miley Cyrus .... 💐💐💐

Well I think you need to consider why you broke up in the first place

Well that's a bit of a drip feed. As a single man he chose to spend his spare cash on himself rather than save it for his ex girlfriend's birthday.

9 months together ,he has bought me gifts before like a 300 pound necklace and a 250 pound bag.
We live far from each other and he lives with family so when i drive to him he pays for the hotel,dinner,breakfast I rarely pay for anything.
When he comes over to me he spends around 100 for taxi which he did last saturday so I dont want to draw conclusions

So have I understood this -,you broke up recently and he wasn’t expecting to be with me anymore over your birthday? How long before your birthday did you get back together? Perhaps this changes things a bit. Especially in January when a lot of people are skint. Although if you can afford a take away you can afford a reasonable pub meal somewhere, surely!

Ergh... i hate posts like rhis... ever notice how...so weirdly... virtually none of these men are "dim" about their own birthdays...

Did he dump you to avoid buying your Christmas presents as well by any chance?

Dump him, he’s selfish

I don’t make a big fuss over my birthday and don’t expect expensive gifts - but I would be annoyed if DH announced he couldn’t afford to take me out/buy me anything when he’d just spent £200 on a hat! It’s the thought and consideration not the amount spent, and your BF has shown he has no consideration for you.

If you stay with this guy this is how your birthdays are going to be.

I do agree with others though that you should have been more clear with what you wanted

So he spent all the money he would have spent on your birthday presents while you were split up, that's understandable?
Why hasn't he got accommodation where he can have you round, why can't he drive himself to yours?
It sounds like he's not in a position to be in a serious relationship. You broke up, there is a reason why that happened.

4 days ago we got back together,He said we can order in food which he would pay for and I am not sure if he wants to skip dinner out so he can buy me an expansice gift instead
He is carefull genrally with money and first 2 weeks of Jan doesnt get paid at all ,he also sends his parents money too

No we dont do gifts for christmas we had a big fight

Your updates give a completely different picture to your opening post.
The drip feeding suggests you are being very unreasonable.
He spent his excess money while you were split up and you have only been back together a few days ago. Yet, you are already looking for more.
For such a short relationship he has already bought you expensive gifts.
He should be reevaluating and walking away

He is buying me a gift its just the dinner part ,he wants to stay in and order food instead.
We stayed in for his bday and had a good time but i cooked a nice meal and we were going to go out.
My bday is in 2 weeks so i will have to see what he is going to do in reality.
Maybe he is prioritising my gift but he wont let me pay for my dinner even tough I offered.
He generally pays for everything other times rarely I pay for anything.

This all sounds very transactional.
Why can't you stay with his family when you visit?

I have as well for him several times so it has been both ways the breakup was only 10 days and we been together 9 months.
The sole reason i posted here is to see if i am being very sensitive about this