Am i being ungrateful for my bday ?

[CleverOpalPanda]

My birthday is coming up soon and I’m feeling a bit deflated about it, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair.
My boyfriend has said money is tight this month, which I understand. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday I said it was up to him, as I’m not expecting anything expensive. However, when I later asked if we were going out to celebrate, he seemed surprised and said money wasn’t good so we’d stay in and order a takeaway.
I felt disappointed as I’d really hoped to dress up and go out for dinner. I even offered to pay myself, but he refused, saying it wouldn’t make sense for me to pay on my own birthday.
What’s bothering me is that he knew my birthday was coming up, but he’s said he spent a lot recently on himself over the holidays — buying designer stuff like a 200 pound hat and going out most nights with his brother. It makes me feel like my birthday wasn’t planned or prioritised at all.
This stings a bit because I went all out and saved for his birthday and made a real effort to make it special. A month ago he was even suggesting places we could go for my birthday, so I’m confused by the sudden change.
I don’t need gifts or expensive plans — I can buy myself things — it’s more about the effort and feeling celebrated. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this, or is this just one of those situations where expectations need adjusting?
I Dont want him to feel pressure around it but this is my first birthday with him and I fear is going to set the tone on how I am gone be prioritised and celebrated in the future.

Aside from breaking up for a total of 10 days he was already bad financially and knew how January was going to be so he went on a shopping spree which should concern me more than my bday.

You wanted to go out for your birthday. But you didn't tell your BF that you wanted to go out for your birthday. Instead, when he asked you what you wanted, you told him it was up to him.

Or, to put it another way, you told him to make a decision and you're now annoyed that he didn't make the decision you secretly wanted him to make.

No i was gone pay for both of us

My sister in law has a January birthday and her friends are the same, because it's after Christmas, but they know it's her birthday that time every year and they're all pretty well off. My brother makes sure to celebrate though. You are not being unreasonable given he's spent so much on himself recently, it's not like the choice was your birthday or the gas bill. £200 for a hat!!

Although I've just realised you only got back together a few days ago he can't budget for a girlfriend he didn't have

I booked a nice restaurant for his bday so he knws.
We had to cancel that as his uncle died and he didnt want to go out so instead i cooked him a nice steak dinner and got him a cake

None of which changes what I said - you told him to make a decision and you're now annoyed that he didn't make the decision you secretly wanted him to make.

No half of those days he was sick and still is and we had a big fight which i initiated so it wasnt pre planned.

He doesn't want to go to a restaurant.
You do want to go to a restaurant.
Maybe this is a sign you aren't compatible.
(also can't meet his family until you're engaged 🤔...... I think you should run away from this relationship fast)

Different people prioritise birthdays differently. You put a high priority on birthdays and enjoy celebrating. Do you think you have clearly communicated that to him? What I have learnt over life is the need to clearly communicate your feelings around things like this. I'd have a chat with him about how you feel and how you would like to celebrate. Hopefully you can tell from this if he cares enough about you to want to prioritise the things that mean a lot to you.

To judge fairly I think we need to know what the £200 hat looks like...

When i told him i want to go out he dismissed as me being unreasonable ,he said what are we gone do out ?like its unusal sb will want to go out for their bday?he didnt say sorry bbe I am quite tight now but we will go out another time when I am better off but acted shocked i even wanted to go out

The is the crux of it @CleverOpalPanda and something you need to think about seriously.

How old is he? It’s not great that he’s still living with family and doesn’t have a car. It sounds like whatever money he does have he spends frivolously and isn’t good at budgeting or planning for the future and that’s what’s really bugging you.

Him not being financially prepared for your birthday is just another nail in the coffin for you when it comes to knowing this relationship has a solid future.

You sound young and immature, sorry OP. You’re not compatable and I would end this relationship now.

To my knowledge he does put money aside and treat them as untouchable and keeps spending money in another card.
He aslo helps his unemployed parents with money every month so maybe his spending had to do with him being upset

Immature cause i tried to make him feel special on his bday and he did feel but when its my turn I shouldnt ?

He suggested it last month so he’s off the hook this month. You’re assuming he hasn’t considered you because he suggested plans, when in fact he fully knew you had a birthday coming, set your expectations, and then decided to spend his money on other things and leave you with nothing.

Go out for dinner with a girlfriend and leave him home. If he can’t afford it, that’s his problem. Celebrate with someone else.

Absolutely, only following to see the hat.

ManyPigeons
He’s spent all his money and so your birthday is the expense he’s cut. You’re not a priority.

I wouldn’t agree with this in the way it’s said, like it was planned- in December we get sucked into a vaccuum of spending, he may have been thinking about your birthday but then suddenly reality hit! We’re all like that in December- fab intentions but also buying into the crazy spending too!

He cant meet my family either till we decide on engaement ,its the norm in our culture

What's he doing smashing money on this stuff and hotels etc if he has zero savings?

(side note: he can shag you in a hotel room but you cant meet his mum?)

You are talking about meeting parents after engagement...
If you got engaged and married where would you live?
I'd think about what your life together is going to look like in a practical sense...

I dont think he sounds abusive or anything but I wouldn't want to build a life with a guy like this as he sounds bad and budgeting which is a no for me personally.

Also this period in a relationship is pretty much the best it gets in a relationship.... if its so bad I would seriously question tge wisdom of pursuing him with a view to marriage

A £200 hat? Whaaaaat?? He’s a plonker.

Hmmm.... still sounds odd.
I wouldn't want to be engaged to someone whose family I have never met.
I am curious what culture this is.

If you need to feel special on your birthday and you expect reciprocal presents/effort in line with what you provided for him, then you're with the wrong man.

For me , if a man spends lots on himself and little on me, then he's toast.

Therefore in your situation I'd get rid asap

No we are only meeting parents if we decide to get engaged as this is the norm in our culture.
We have discussed living together and that would be in rented accomadation as i am now.