Am i being ungrateful for my bday ?

[CleverOpalPanda]

My birthday is coming up soon and I’m feeling a bit deflated about it, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair.
My boyfriend has said money is tight this month, which I understand. When he asked what I wanted for my birthday I said it was up to him, as I’m not expecting anything expensive. However, when I later asked if we were going out to celebrate, he seemed surprised and said money wasn’t good so we’d stay in and order a takeaway.
I felt disappointed as I’d really hoped to dress up and go out for dinner. I even offered to pay myself, but he refused, saying it wouldn’t make sense for me to pay on my own birthday.
What’s bothering me is that he knew my birthday was coming up, but he’s said he spent a lot recently on himself over the holidays — buying designer stuff like a 200 pound hat and going out most nights with his brother. It makes me feel like my birthday wasn’t planned or prioritised at all.
This stings a bit because I went all out and saved for his birthday and made a real effort to make it special. A month ago he was even suggesting places we could go for my birthday, so I’m confused by the sudden change.
I don’t need gifts or expensive plans — I can buy myself things — it’s more about the effort and feeling celebrated. Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt by this, or is this just one of those situations where expectations need adjusting?
I Dont want him to feel pressure around it but this is my first birthday with him and I fear is going to set the tone on how I am gone be prioritised and celebrated in the future.

He can’t prioritise your birthday now, pre marriage and children - what’s it going to be like in a few years? You’ll never have a birthday again. Get rid and find someone who thinks taking you out for a nice meal and getting you some flowers might be slightly more important than buying one (1!) hat.

What I will do is actually calm my brain from assumptions and actually see what he is going to be doing in reality in 2 weeks time.
Breakup point for me would be lack of flowers as he knws i like them and i knw for a fact he used to buy them for his ex.

Brilliant. You've set your boundary. Thats perfect 💛

That was my thought behind this ,my ex husband bought me a gift first year together but no flowers no dinner and in 9 yrs it got progressivly worse with him not even buying me a cake most years but i will see what he does in practice and then judge.

I would question this RL OP.He sounds selfish and rather immature to me .This period of courtship should be gifts and celebrations! Later on its more difficult with DC whatever .However a meal out and some flowers is not excessive at all

We go out to eat everytime we meet but not for my bday?

@CleverOpalPanda

On top of his already questionable financial stability this is a red flag.

It would be extremely easy for him to just move into a place you already live in that is furnished and ready but this doesn’t show you that he’d be capable of getting a deposit together, being responsible for paying bills or keeping on top of paying for everything because you’re doing it all.

You sound a little naive and should be treading carefully.

You still haven’t answered how old this man is and why he still lives at home and doesn’t even own a car. Does he work, how long has he been in his job, is he constantly changing jobs?

Sorry Op but what a drip feed. He hasn’t planned anything or saved up for your birthday because you were broken up.

He is 32 and earns around 4k a month,he has been on this job for 2 yrs and he is getting a raise soon,he doesnt have a car cause they have a company van to go to work so he sold his car to save as insurance was too much for how much he was using it.
We would move to a new place if we lived together.
He also helps his parents financially,he used 50k of savings to build them a house back home and shares rent in London with his brothers paying around 1000.
I know he keeps some money aside that is considered untouchable and locked away but I cant ask him that as i dont feel comfortable.
He told me if we live together we might have to sacrifice outings and other stuff for a bit till we can save for a deposit to get a house.

It sounds like you are keeping a tally on how much you spend on each other. Why not try to enjoy each others company and enjoy the smaller things in life, a walk together, watching a movie. I’ve told my teenager that gifts don’t need to be expensive but do need to be thoughtful, favourite flowers, a book by your favourite author. It looks like you only appreciate the price tag.

No in what part of my post am I saying he needs to spend a lot on my gift?I am upset about not going out.
My most favourite gift ever has actually been a CD of my favourite band as my bf at the time remembered they are my favourite but its the way my current bf framed it and the way he reacted more than anything,like I was asking too much.

You sound quite materialistic. How is he selfish and immature by not spending money he hasn’t got. He thought he wasn’t going to be with the OP for her birthday so why would he prioritise it. An expensive gift doesn’t show he cares, a thoughtful one does.

I think this is an unusual relationship. Spending £600 on someone you don't live with, and can't meet their family unless you are engaged. Seems a bit odd.

People and attitudes like yours are the reason these men carry on like this. Raise your standards

He hinted for months he wanted to buy the new iphone but of course thats too much so i told him i will give him some money towards it ,i gave him 400 but he had had said before he wanted less just a symolic amount like 100.When I gave him the money he was appriciative but refused them several times till i insisted.
I dont want to paint him as a villain here just tryin to get some insight.
I wouldnt mind dinner in if he would cook for me.

You have stated how much you spent on his birthday. How much the necklace and bag.cost. How much he spent on his hat. If you were only bothered about not going out, there is no reason to list the expensive gifts you have bought each. Finally you are upset that you can’t get dressed up and go out, that sounds like you want to go somewhere expensive, you don’t get dressed up to go to KFC.

OP, this has doom written all over it. You instigate some row that means you were split up for the last ten days. You then make up just a few days before your birthday. Your DP says he doesn’t have much money, because he went on a bit of a spending spree while you were separated. As far as I can gather, he currently lives with his brothers but keeps you as a sort of dirty secret on the side. You feel that because you made an effort for his birthday, so he should for yours, yet when he asked what you would like to do, you left it up to him. It seems you can’t communicate; have had a serious break-up after only nine months together, and when he offered to get in a take-away for your birthday, you were upset. He has been generous to you in the past, yet it all now seems to hang on your birthday. If your birthday is so important to you, you should have let him know - but as I say, communication does not seem to be great between you. You seem surprised he didn’t “plan or prioritise it” - why on earth would he, if he thought your relationship had come to an end? You didn’t split up for nothing - is this really the relationship you want to be in for the long haul?

Are you both from a SE Asian culture? I thought it all sounded odd (living with parents, not driving, expensive gifts but no car, meeting in hotels, giving money to his parents, not buying Christmas gifts) but when I reframed it in SEA context it made a lot more sense.

All things considered the relationship doesn't seem great.
You both like to splurge on gifts and taxis but he can't afford to leave home or buy a car.
Your courtship is played out in restaurants and hotels and you live a long distance from each other - do you really know each other properly?
In just a few months you have already split up once.
You can't seem to communicate about what you want.
You are setting silent "tests" for him based on what he bought his ex.
You have unrealistic ideas about what is important in a relationship. (I'm shocked you mentioned being divorced once already as I guessed your age at 18-19!)

He's a selfish git. He won't change. Do you want to feel like this for the next however many years?

I mentioned those gifts not as an excpectation for my bday but to not make him sound like he never treats me as some ppl said he might be usuing me and mentioned my side to show i dont only excpect i give as well ,i buy my own things when i want smth but when sb can drop 200 on a hat but not 80 on dinner for my first bday together no sorry i dont feel prioritised like this ,I dint ask for smth ultra expensive ,a really nice turkish place near me is 39 each for a 3 course dinner ,if he cant even offer me that how about other bigger things ?

There are men who dont do flowers and thats ok but if he buys them for one but not for me shows I am not that special am I ?cause he can if he did in the past and if he chooses not to there is a reason.its not to compare but just to not fool myself .
We are Easter European not SEA and its true we are the typical women that usually excpect a lot from their men ,cause how he treats you its how he feels about you ,men from where i am from invest in you if they are serious about you and that includes material things as well unfortuantly.

Thanks for confirming your culture, I hope my question was not annoying. I just thought you might get better advice from posters from the same culture who will understand the normal expectations better.

This should have been in the OP

He hasn't done anything wrong (although he's clearly not a saver!)

You've been together for 9 months and he's spending that much money on you? I'm sorry but this relationship sounds weird to me. And yes, I do think you're being ungrateful.

Are you the poster who was complaining about your partner following a girl on Instagram just before Xmas? You were told then the relationship was a shit show and you both sounded about 14. Nothing has changed.