Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

I was trying to move away from the individual to speak to a member of staff and say I needed help. He followed me. I expressed with my face I needed to quickly pay and leave. The cashier at the cash register area was dealing with a customer. The person I approached had no customer.

You’ve done nothing wrong.
You were being kind.
I would have left and not paid given what was happening.
Don’t blame yourself but also don’t be quick to offer help to someone like that again!
Sorry you weren’t helped by anyone. I like to think even as a 38 year old small woman myself I’d have helped somehow!

Exactly

What would have been your expectation from the other people in the queue OP?

When you were asking to pay, had the coffee already been ordered/made or not?

Yes, thank you. You don't order, shuffle along the queue and then collect the drink and pay.

That really depends on the age of the kids and who else was about. There isn't always a kindly family handy to watch your kids nor would I trust strangers with my child. Op has explained she had her back to him so while he was keeping an eye on the interaction he couldn't see clearly. And irregardless its quite clear from what this person told op, the husband getting involved would more than likely have escalated the situation potentially resulting in the husband coming to harm in front of op and the kids.

Oh no worries, here you go. It can be hard to pick salient information out from a number of paragraphs sometimes.

My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were.

My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot.

The decent thing to have done is for husband to either advise against saying he's there and then or offer to get the drink himself. Not speak in hindsight.

Lessons learned today (sadly).

I’ve replied below to make it a little bit clearer for you.

You were trying to be kind but it’s safer these days to stay away from ‘dodgy’ people. There are many people with mental health issues, many who are in scamming gangs and then there are addicts who just want money for drugs.
If you want to help just give money to appropriate charities. We live in a very sad world.

The staff are trained to serve coffee not deal with this
as an ex trained police officer and now a teacher I have the public spirited confidence to step up and take charge when I see situations like this - however the vast majority of the ordinary public are nervous , fearful of making g a tit if themselves or more importantly getting hurt, I bet a few folks pondered the situation afterwards and wished they had helped you but were sadly more focused on getting their coffee

Next time say no , the advice from police and charities is to donate to charities by giving money you are funding their addiction and not achually helping them .

So you approached the barista making the drinks? Who doesn't have a till?!

I'm just asking because there seems to be this implication that you didn't just walk off because the drink had been ordered but not paid for.

No. Nothing had been ordered when I asked to pay! I jumped the queue to get to a member of staff. I was scared and being accosted by this individual who was becoming increasingly frightening. I had agreed to buy them a drink and so I found a member of staff (who happened to be a barista and wasn’t currently serving). With a fearful expression, I explained I needed to buy this person a drink and I needed to jump the queue and leave! I made it very obvious this wasn’t an ordinary situation. I had become too scared to antagonise this person who seemed completely unstable, by changing my mind and saying I would no longer buy them one.

I don’t know why some posters are so hell bent on poking holes in my story. Actually thought people might offer some support.

Yep, always the best way. If you're going to get a mouthful of abuse, you'd rather it be for cutting them off rather than appeasing them.

Yes. I found someone who wasn’t currently serving a customer so that I could explain I needed help.

I think everyone has been in a situation where they agree to help someone and suddenly realise they are actually in a bad situation, whether in a public place or alone. When I was younger I would always give people the benefit of the doubt and try to help, but after lots of dodgy situations, I now just say sorry, no, and donate to charities instead. People still come up to me in crowds to beg from me when we are surrounded by loads of other people! It's obviously my kindly/soft touch vibe! In future situations, just get out of there as fast as possible. Remember that you tried to do a kind thing.

I wouldn't have intervened, as I would be scared he would start on me. Most homeless people are on the street because they don't want to give up drinking/drugs to stay in a shelter.

@CopeWithChange why have you not responded to why your husband didn't intervene. In your posts you have said:

I’ve spent most my life in the countryside, so this was a new experience for me. My husband, who is more well travelled, was very shocked I said yes.
So when he heard you say this, why didn't he manage the situation rather than you telling him to go wait with the kids. He could have stepped in at this point and said to you, no let me, you watch the children.

The coffee shop was quiet
So considering he could tell the situation had changed and moved closer, he potentially could have intervened again here and told the children to wait and swapped places with you.

You still haven't acknowledged that your DH is the one who should have supported you, not some random woman in the queue.

I’ve only read the first few replies but I’m actually pretty stunned that people are saying nobody would intervene because of the risk… there are many ways you can help without getting physical. You could go up and ask for a manager to step in, if there are security guards you could flag those (if this was in a shopping mall for instance). Speaking up is a good deterrent - even from a distance. There are countless ways TfL tell us to do this on trains when there really is nowhere to run because it’s proven to de-escalate.

Surprised a little that your DH didn’t say / do anything, but I can appreciate he was minding your kids so you don’t exactly want them involved.

I actually buy homeless a cup of coffee often, but I never take them up to the till with me. I say ‘ok, what do you want?’ They tell me, I walk away to pay and then tell the barista this one’s for him and leave.

This

why did you stay in the queue /still pay

and yes the cashier had to pay in order

Nobody is offering much support because you put yourself in this position. In doing so you also could have dragged other people into it. Your naivety made you vulnerable and your husband should have known better than to allow you to do it. It's one occasion where a man's authority IS needed.

You also could have had your purse nicked once you got it out.

I’m not trying to poke holes in your story, i’m trying to understand exactly what went on to understand why things played out the way they did.

I get what you are saying but tbh I think most people would have just legged it in your situation rather than stay with the guy to buy a drink, so this is also likely why the barrister didn’t help you as what you were doing/saying didn’t make sense tbh.

I agree with posters saying it’s an opportunity for you to reflect on your response, than what others should have done to help a situation you put yourself in.

When I was a young teenager, I found a person lying in the street and instinctively tried to help him. When I got close enough to him, I could smell that he was very drunk but I still didn’t walk away/ summon other help. He said he lived just a few doors away. I helped him up, supported him to his door but he couldn’t even go inside. I opened his door with the key, and supported him inside and suddenly he was alert enough to start making lewd comments and suggestive remarks and getting handsy.
I managed to leave, but as an adult now my blood runs cold at the series of very poor choices I made and the situation I put myself in.
Long story short- what could you have done differently? How would you react if something similar was to happen in future? Always worth giving some thought so you are not quite so blindsided should similar happen again.

Hope you are okay.x

You’ve had a really horrible experience and I’m sorry that has happened to you. I suspect he probably saw you as an easy target. And it’s so difficult when someone is very clearly either having a mental health crisis, or are under the effects of a substance, because they’re unpredictable.

My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened.

Having said that, if your husband, who knows you well enough to know what you look like when you’re scared/worried/intimidated didn’t think you needed rescuing, then I think being cross with a complete stranger because they didn’t try to rescue you is being a bit unfair. Could the cashier see you being uncomfortable? Or did she just see a slightly harassed looking woman who was clearly in a rush but who was buying a drink for the homeless man?

I think you might be a bit angry with your DH for not stepping in, or for not telling you to wait with the children while he went off with the homeless stranger, but reluctant to think about that too deeply, so directing your upset towards another woman who would have been equally unable to defend herself, or you, against an aggressive man.