Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

They can’t help you though. They’d need to move the person taking orders out of the way to access the till and ring it up. They can’t. It goes in order. And a barista making drinks, which is quite noisy, is absolutely not paying attention to people in the queue so had no clue what your issue was other than skipping the queue and demanding service whilst looking a bit weird.

If you need help then ask for it. Or walk away. Or call your husband over.

You were able to ‘instruct’ your husband but not a person who started to make inappropriate comments to you ?

Your husband was watching carefully and could tell by your face that things had changed but didn’t intervene ?

You have children but were unable to set a boundary to say ‘put that back, I’m not paying’ ?

You’re late 30s but expect other people to deal with your self-made problems ?

You expressed with your face you needed to pay quickly and leave – that deserves an Oscar…..

You were inside a coffee shop but were scared the person would stab you ?

You’ve spent most of your life in the countryside. Perhaps you need to either get out more or go back to your rural idyll.

You may think I have been a touch unkind but I don’t think so.

Jeez some of you are revolting! ‘These people’ indeed?! Just because someone is homeless, it’s doesn’t make them less human!! You are talking about them as though they were animals.

You try living in the streets and you’d likely need drink / drugs to get through each long cold day! And if you didn’t have mental health issues before hand, you would after a very short time on the streets!

Also blaming the poor op as stupid for trying to do something kind?! I’d’ve stepped up Op, but then I’ve found I’m often the only one that will when someone is injured on the street and everyone else is filming on their phones for example 😡

YABU. You should have walked out the second the person started being rude, not paid for their drink!! Don’t be a doormat OP 🤷‍♀️

I feel bad that this has happened to you, OP. It sounds churlish and unsympathetic but I just say "No, sorry" and walk on whenever anyone vaguely dodgy approaches me asking for money or food.

I think people telling the OP to get a grip are being a bit harsh, as this does sound a bit scary, but equally OP you did get yourself into the mess.

I am in my 30s and wouldn't have intervened in such a situation. What do you expect people to do, rip off their clothes and have a superman costume underneath? 😂And you're telling me you would have honestly intervened yourself if the shoe was on the other foot? I don't think so given this scared you shitless.

I'm sorry but the second you realized this person wasn't deserving of your kindness you should have walked away and told them in no uncertain terms they were no longer getting a drink from you. They were clearly unstable but that doesn't allow them the right to verbally abuse you. Had you been next to me in the queue and id realized what was happening I wouldn't have intervened, instead id have wondered why on earth you were getting this individual anything and why you weren't just walking away. Why should anyone else around you potentially put themselves in a precarious position because you made a badly judged decision? Especially another woman, who you say your were trying to get attention from, who would have also been vulnerable. It was absolutely on your dh to step up in this situation and he didn't, the children could have stayed where they were. Next time id think twice about giving anything to the homeless. I personally never do as most often times it's used for drugs and alcohol, and I don't buy them food or drinks either.

I wouldn't have helped either it was your own silly fault for trying to play Lady Jesus.

Your update suggests that - even if you explained coherently - you were asking a barista if you could jump the queue to pay for a drink for a scary person, so you could leave quickly and leave the staff to deal with the person you’ve engaged with and encouraged? Do you not see he probably spends half the day trying the same trick?

You are totally unreasonable to expect other people to do what you were too scared to do yourself.
Especially as you hadn’t asked for help and to an extent created the problem yourself

I paid for a coffee for a homeless woman begging in McDonalds.
However, she approached me in the street whenever she saw me after that looking for a free meal etc. I just avoided the area after that as you never know whether they are on medication or have psychiatric issues.

@CopeWithChange really sorry this happened to you

Did you say you're not used to being in the city? I lived in London for ages and would always be wary of anyone who seemed to make a beeline for me. Also, to be honest, anyone asking directly to be bought a drink - I can't really explain it but while I'm likely to offer to buy a homeless person a drink, I don't feel comfortable with being approached directly.

I wouldn't be surprised if this person is known for targeting customers who look like they might be kind

The poster who said she cuts them dead before they start? That's the way to deal with it. I used to buy hot drinks for the guys I saw frequently near the office. But that was a bit different because we all just wave hello in the morning.

The world has changed though, I probably wouldn't do that now. (And I'm so glad not to live there anymore).

@CopeWithChange if you take anything from this. Ignore the homeless, be tough,stand up for yourself, be assertive and learn some self defense. Kickboxing class is fun as well. I love it.

Oh aye? All beggars are not homeless, and begging is in fact illegal under the Vagrancy Act. We have a woman in town who begs who lives in a very smart retirement flat so she tends to target unknowing tourists.

If this person was homeless it's not an excuse to start a conversation about someone's genitals in the queue for Costa with impunity.

This.

Sorry you got entangled in all of this.

Most of us like to think that we’d intervene and put matters right.

But sometimes events like this happen quicker than we can comprehend and/or worry that intruding might make matters worse.

Or we freeze.

Dear OP, as others have said, I think it is unreasonable to have expected another woman to effectively trade places with you and deal with this for you, but I appreciate you're shaken up and found it frightening.
Try to put it from your mind and also try not to let it stop you offering kindness to someone else in future. Many unhoused people do just want a drink/something to eat to make their day a little easier, especially in winter. This experience is not your fault and I hope you feel better soon.

Ah I'm so sorry this happened, OP. As a seasoned old townie I have intervened in this kind of situation many times, and I would have if I'd seen you. I guess it's possible people thought you were dealing with it your own way, but would have jumped in if things kicked off.

You and dh need a plan for how you handle this sort of thing together. But for now, just be kind to yourself. Dealing with people who are illogical and aggressive is always horrible.

Wow you really got yourself in a mess didn't you lol not to be rude but you seem a bit naive and I hope you take this as a lesson to toughen up a bit and be a bit more socially aware. All your own doing I am afraid.

Is kickboxing good for menopausal fat burning?

Not only is it not really used, but that act is being being rightly completely repealed. The process will be complete within months, and will be unusable until then as the cps would never prosecute for an act actively being repealed (even ignoring the very low chance it woild be used for normal situations before it started being repealed).

Also you are mixing up concepts. Being homeless isn't an excuse. But being homeless and having severe mental health issues are closely related, easy to ignore that bit to keep the dehumanisation up though.

What words did you use to explain that you needed help?

From what I can see you agreed to buy this man a drink and so he of course followed you and then you jumped the queue and said you needed to pay because you needed to leave - but you didn’t explain anything and so I am not sure how they could have known that you needed help.

Did you say this man is making me feel uncomfortable and I need help?
Or did you agree to buy him a drink, carried on agreeing to buy him a drink and hoped the cashiers would pick up on your body language?

If your DH did not think to help you, then why would these workers who probably did not understand that you needed help.

I think you’re just shook up and trying to blame someone but no one is to blame here.

Piss off is a complete sentence you know. Instead you chose to play the poor frightened country bumpkin quite prepared to leave another woman at the mercy of some fucking weirdo while you skipped off into the sunset to talk about your frightening experience without a care for the person you were prepared to throw into his path.

Seriously it sounds like you’re loving the drama here. I assume you reported this incident to the police after? No? Thought n not.

I just can’t imagine a scenario where my husband would have stood idly by. You are pretty clear that you expressed your fear very clearly to all nearby and that your husband could see the situation had changed. It just makes no sense that he didn’t move over to you or at least stay within ear shot whilst you went off with some random homeless person.
I’ve given money to homeless people before but wouldn’t to one that approached me directly and I certainly wouldn’t take them to buy them a drink. You were well intentioned but extremely naive and put your own safety at risk by creating an opportunity for an extended interaction with someone who is clearly going to be quite a troubled person. Wanting others to step into the situation when even your own husband didn’t is a bit much really.

My "concept" is that I don't think this man was homeless at all. I think he was a creep.

Isn't it funny on Mumsnet how trans men are supposedly using being trans as a means to get off making women uncomfortable in toilets but it's ok to use supposed homelessness as an excuse to ask if she has or has had had a penis.

I agree 100%.