Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

This exact thing happened to me when visibly pregnant. I now keep an eye on where the emergency breaks are in the train or tube and am not afraid to use them if abused like that again. It is so scary when nobody wants to help :( however the difference in situations is the OP did engage with the individual in the first instance.
As a female often alone in London I'm very sorry for these people and their problems but I dont risk engaging.

You weren't alone, your DP was there. Why didnt he just come and escort you off the premises? The staff should have asked the person to leave, they dont usually allow homeless beggars in as they can cause a nuisance, as you found out for yourself today

Agree with PP that if your DH couldn’t tell you were suddenly terrified, despite moving closer to see what was wrong, how was anyone else? To any onlooker it could have been you acting erratic and unpredictable.

You describe this person as absolutely terrifying you but it seems they were only saying strange things, not showing any violence or threatening behaviour. As uncomfortable as you may have been, from an outside perspective you suddenly rushed forward to pay for a drink you hadn’t ordered while screaming that you had to quickly leave. It likely wouldn’t make sense to the person at the check out or anyone else.

I think if you were so completely terrified, or felt this person could turn suddenly violent, then you could have easily signalled to your husband to come closer. He did begin to all towards you, so you could have beckoned him over. I don’t think the server behind the til could have done anything to help you, even if they did understand your fear and the reason for it.

Doesn’t matter about how ‘human’ they are. It’s about women trying to keep themselves safe. I fully believe op was targeted because she was a woman.

My first thought when I read your opening post was “sounds like someone who’s not used to living in a big city”! This is a once-a-week occurrence when I live. You learn how to spot real danger, real mental illness, real desperation, and you quickly learn to understand your limitations and how you can help within those limitations. Consider today a life lesson. Don’t bubble wrap yourself from the world. Nothing happened to you, you just had a new experience. When you cast your vote, try to remember your feelings today, your reactions, other people’s reactions and realities, and vote accordingly.

I’m sure I’ve said this further up, but I had my back to DH and there was a barrier and stand between us. He did catch a glimpse of my face, when I turned to him, which made him come closer, between the children and me. The corner of the coffee shop where DH was didn’t have any families etc. He had our children to think of too, but was watching closely in case anything escalated.

I didn’t call him over, particularly because the main was making threatening statements aimed at my DH. That’s why I focused on getting the drink paid for so I could get out of there.

No good deed goes unpunished. In future, politely decline to provide direct handouts. If you want to help the homeless then donate to a homeless charity.

But why didn't he help you out to begin with? He could have swapped with you when you said yes.

Edited to also add: if you were that concerned/frightened why didn't you turn round and try and catch his attention more

I live in a city with far too much homelessness. I agree to buy drinks and sometimes food for homeless people. I do it by asking them what they want and going to get it for them. I do not ask them to come inside. If they follow I say "No. Wait here. I'll bring it to you." and if they don't acquiesce I tell them to wait or I'll tell the cashier I'm being harassed. Only had someone follow me in once and this stopped them in their tracks. Few places want homeless people in their shop. It's not attractive to customers.

I avoid/would not offer to anyone who seemed aggressive from the get go, but most are glad to have someone who meets their eye and the offer of food. However, there are a significant number with mental health issues of one sort or another and that can cause issues. (Maybe some are just nasty people, but it comes across as something more than that). So I have had quite a few incidents and I've stepped in sometimes when I've seen someone else being hassled. I don't find it helps to pretend they aren't being out of order. What they're doing isn't an accident. Sometimes I think those who have a dig after you've offered to buy something see you as a soft touch so take advantage of, as they see it, the opportunity to use their power. Not shutting them down just encourages them. If they want to hurt you they're going to do that whether you smile and play nice or not. I say - "Wow. Okay. We're done. I'm not getting you anything when you talk to me like that." There will be verbal abuse but just walk away. The best trick I've found if you're stuck somewhere (like a bus) while being hassled is to talk really softly so they have to keep asking you to repeat yourself. Works most of the time to interrupt their flow. I challenge what they say without escalating or getting engaged with arguments. Sometimes they get bored, but normally, when I can, I say "Well, nice talking to you but I've got things to do." and get off/walk away (always into a crowd, shop, etc.).

I understand why you wished someone would hep you but most people are just as worried about being a target as you were. They don't want the aggravation either. Having stepped in, I have found you can take their attention from their victim, but it turns to you. You rarely just get them to stop. So it's not an attractive proposition. I only do it if the victim looks particularly vulnerable. I've only had one guy actually get physical, grabbing my coat and trying to hit me on the head, fortunately when he did several people who had been ignoring the verbal situation stepped in and he left sharply.

I think you needed to be clear in your words, OP. Not rely on looking scared and expecting someone to realise that you wanted to pay quickly for the drink of someone you wanted to get away from. Because that is a bit batshit. It isn't a scenario they would have expected, so easy to misinterpret. They may well have just thought you were high too.

No, we can read.

You clearly gave your opinion on if they were homeless. Stated it completely as that, seperate to any conspiracy, as "if they were homeless, then x"

No you haven’t, you haven’t at all… I personally agree with you, if someone was clearly with someone who is making them uncomfortable and someone is asking to quickly pay, then the lady behind the till should’ve honoured that. You done a nice thing and I am so sorry it back fired on you.

I once saw a homeless person shivering, I offered them a hot drink and they said ‘That ain’t gonna buy me drugs tho love is it’

you can’t help some people.

Yeah Op the thing is you have a dopey husband. Your husband should’ve said “I’ve got it @CopeWithChange “ and walked with the person to get the drink after you offered.

As many pp have said YABU by getting yourself into that position, and then expecting women to intervene but letting your own husband off the hook for not being more protective.

Imagine a lone single woman spoke up and got turned on by this person then you eventually wander back off with your husband while she’s left to handle it herself as she’s not got a partner to step in or lean on.

Others in the queues were either too fearful or didn’t realise what was going on. I don’t get why you didn’t shout your husband over or even if you had been by yourself you should have articulated clearly to the staff you felt in danger and wanted them to call the police. They may not have understood what was happening since you appeared to be together with this individual.

Why on earth do you buy a drink for someone who abused you.

I think he needs to come on here and protect her from a few of the aggressive commenters.

Fight, flight or fawn. This is fawn.

No one

But op didn’t actually explain why she needed to pay quickly and most people in her situation would have just left rather than stay to buy someone a coffee who was harrassing them. So I think it’s quite possible the cashier didn’t understand what was going on as it didn’t make sense.

I didn’t call him over, particularly because the main was making threatening statements aimed at my DH. That’s why I focused on getting the drink paid for so I could get out of there.

Hang on - so you were worried about the safety of your husband but not the safety of other women?

Absolutely ridiculous, if they got so angry at your husband looking over how do you think they would have reacted to that woman in the queue intervening?!

Honestly male-centred women like you who think random females should make up for their husbands inadequacy are insufferable. You literally put other women at risk- or at least try to.

I think that’s possible, she may have replayed it in her head afterward and wondered, but I think situations like this happen quite fast and it’s a busy environment.

Fair enough, but equally - running away and not paying for the drink could have put OP in a dangerous position more so. It’s catch 22, however, if someone is asking to pay and is acting unusual compared to just waiting and the OP says the surrounding people / workers could hear the verbal abuse, I doubt it takes much to put 2 and 2 together in my opinion!

Like my imaginary scenario here...

😉

Unfortunately most people don’t want to put their lives at risk, and rightly so.
Next time ignore this sort of harassment in a cafe. The staff should have removed him.
A lot of cafes have a stand by coffee that people donate, asking at the counter is okay, harassing customers is not.
I keep forgetting to buy myself a few tins of deep heat spray,

That’s the point we are all trying to make, op had not ordered the drink yet! She wouldn’t have been in any trouble for not paying for a drink she hadn’t ordered yet.

She was still trying to order the drink for the man despite his behaviour.

I think you put yourself in a situation you weren’t expecting by being kind, I also think the staff should have been more perceptive and noticed you were uncomfortable and let you pay quickly. Like you say lesson learnt. I usually buy something and offer it or ask what someone would like and give it to them on the way out.

Quite early on, I posted saying I got this one wrong. I think it’s sad that so many posters have chosen to either sit and nit pick at my posts, or question me relentlessly about the same stuff I’ve already answered. I’ve explained why I did everything I did, rightly or wrongly. I’m not perfect. There’s plenty here that you can sit in your arm chair and find fault with. I openly stated I got things wrong here, and yet the pile on continues. Really sad that some people get so much pleasure from kicking someone when they’re already down.

Thank you to those who listened and offered support and advice. It has helped.

And DH, who so many have been so quick to scrutinise, has previously put his life in danger to protect a lone female. He was lucky to have survived that encounter. He does not deserve what is being written here and I know would have been right there if things had turned physical. He probably thought I would shout him over if I needed him. I simply didn’t because the homeless person was making so many threatening comments aimed at DH and I was worried for his safety and my children, if the were to approach.

I will leave this thread now, because it has left me feeling really upset. People really do love to constantly find fault in others actions, even when their intentions have been good. I may not be perfect, but I try to be a good person. So does DH. That’s clearly not enough round here.