Today I was harassed by a homeless person. AIBU?

[CopeWithChange]

Today, I was in a popular coffee shop in a big city, with my husband and children. Someone approached us - who appeared male but possibly a transgender woman. They said they were homeless and asked me to buy them a drink. I have always tried to be good to the homeless, and a drink seems to be a reasonable request so I said yes. I instructed my DH to wait with the kids and walked this person to the queue. I quite quickly began regretting this decision. My DH was watching carefully, but this individual quite quickly started saying things to make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’m late 30’s and would say very feminine in appearance. They started saying to me that I was transgender and asking what surgery I had had done. They then looked at my husband saying he sickened them. That he was disguising and he would make sure I was free of him soon. He kept saying “just look at him, watching you. It’s disgusting! but you’ll be free of him very, very soon! My husband could tell by my face that something had changed and walked closer, between where we were and where my kids were. I rushed over to the cashier and said “I need to pay, I need to pay now.” She could see me being uncomfortable and being followed by this individual, who appeared to be possibly on drugs. I made sure my face expressed my fear. It wasn’t hard, as I was genuinely getting frightened. The cashier sent me back to the card readers, where a colleague was working. I said, “can I please pay for this persons drink. I need to pay and I need to leave.” The assistant had me wait while they served the current customer, and the other lady continued making drinks for other customers. There was a lady in the queue I was looking to for help. I’m in my 30’s. She looked very uneasy but avoided all eye contact with me. I paid and left. The individual shouted abuse at my husband as we left and threatened him with assault.

I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see. My husband was worried but also fearful to walk my children over and was genuinely out of ear shot. If the man had become visibly aggressive, he would have intervened in a shot. I don’t want him to be flamed here. But the individuals right next to me all did nothing. I feel shaken and upset over this. AIBU to hope that people would do more?

No you said he came closer as he thought something was wrong.

And then waffled about "2 kids to consider".

He should have just come directly to you then first time not just closer. Yes, even with the kids in tow.

It makes no sense that he didn't protect you.

But you haven't said why he didn't intervene when he heard you say yes.
According to you he is well travelled and was surprised at you saying yes, so why didn't he say he would buy the drink and swoop in and take them to the counter while you left with the children.

It is bizarre. The only way it makes sense to me is that OP is actually upset at her wet lettuce husband but is projecting that onto the bystanders instead of onto him.

You really haven't. Nothing you've said explains his inaction, it's all very odd.

Dont get involved with homeless weirdoes. A lot of them have severe mental health issues and if you want to be kind, just give them a pound and walk away.

This man was obviously mentally ill and it can be very scary being confronted by someone who is obviously not in their right mind.

I do not blame you for being scared or acting out of character.
You felt uneasy and your fight or flight kicked in.

You did not make the workers aware that he was harassing you and you were paying for his drink - most people would not have picked up on this.
If you were telling the man to go away, then I would hope that someone would step in but you were with him buying him a drink.

Your DH could tell something was off and should have come over to see if everything was ok - you could have then asked him to pay for the drinks whilst you go and get a seat.
You should have called DH over.

But hindsight is a wonderful thing and it’s very easy for us to say what you should have done when we’re sat in our safe homes without our fight or flight instinct going mad.

You didn’t know what to do in that situation, your DH didn’t know what to do in that situation and so it’s unfair to blame the people around you for not knowing what to do.

I’m sorry you had to go through this.

I think what I find... odd... is the rushing to the cashier asking to pay. Almost all chain coffee shops in my town take the money first then they make it and pop it on the end of the counter.

Suggesting that the dad should have walked his two kids up beside a highly unstable individual potentially escalating a fragile situation is complete madness. I would not have wanted my dc anywhere near.

@CopeWithChange I feel shaken up. No one in ear shot helped. No one cared. Everyone turned a blind eye, despite me knowing they could hear and see.

I tend not to stare at other people when I'm out and about, so I'm not going to notice if you're upset or distressed about something. You also need to bear in mind that I would generally avoid talking to random women in public as it's not socially acceptable. So no, I would not have noticed that anything was wrong in this scenario.

Oh this is actually such a good point!!!

That ‘highly unstable individual’ should never have been engaged with in the first place.

Never approach homeless people, ever.

If you want to help, donate to a charity.

I'm from central London, and this sort of thing happened to me so many times. Beggars always seemed to make a beeline for me, too. My partner isn't from London but lived there with me for some years and wasn't really used to big city issues. Nevertheless he would never have let me walk off with a beggar.

Never mind your husband "was keeping an eye on me" or whatever. That was a very dangerous move you made.

Once, a guy started on me in Tesco. He'd done it to a couple of women before me, too. My partner stepped in. The guy didn't know he was with me, and couldn't get away fast enough. I am not "flaming", your husband but I don't understand why he just let you walk off with this person.

Others don't get involved, in my experience at least. They might do on TV, but rarely in real life. And tbh I am not sure that I would. There are some scary individuals out there.

But he could’ve gone, said to OP take the children and sit down.

why should anyone else deal with the highly unstable individual that OP took to the counter?

Ah that must have been very scary for you.You tried to do something nice and it backfired.It sounds like the bystander effect-people dont want to get involved and always think/hope someones else will.Also,you seem to be getting absolutely bloody flamed on here tonight-i asked for help rehoming my dog a few weeks ago and before I knew it people were picking holes in my "story",referring to me as a little shit and dog abuser.I literally asked for help and I got torn down.Ended up having my post removed.I hope you are ok xx

Op said its a popular coffee shop not a chain necessarily. A few in our area you order then pay at the till at the end while they make it and bring it to you. I think that's much more common in independent coffee stores which where I am would be more popular than chains.

I don’t visit many coffee shops but I went into Starbucks and the til was right at the end.

I had to wait to get there (because there was a queue) before paying for my coffee and then waited after that for the drink to be made.

I am imagining something like that.

If this was me and my family and I had been "targeted" and said 'yes we will buy you a drink.DH can you take them, I'll sort the kids ".

And if not , my DH would have immediately stepped in and said "I'll sort this, you take the kids love ".

And even if he was distracted and I had gone off and left him and the kids, and he THEN realised something was wrong, he would have either immediately come straight to me (with the kids) or asked a woman/family "would you just mind the kids, I need to speak to my wife " ...and come straight to me.

Or he would have called out saying something like "Ressica, the kids want you" or anything like that to give me an out/make it clear he was there and coming.... and IMMEDIATELY COME STRAIGHT TO ME.

The DH standing by is so odd.

It's easy for people to say with hindsight what you couldn't have done differently. I guess in the moment it's hard to think clearly if you are scared or panicking.

I do think that YABU to expect other people in the queue to have stepped in when you were too scared to ask the staff for help or call your husband over.
If you were that scared then they probably were too.

If anything like this ever happens again OP, and hopefully it won't, ask the staff for help.
Have you heard of Ask for Angela? You could have tried that. I don't know if all hospitality places train their staff how to deal with an Ask for Angela request though.

It's horrible what happened to you and the only person at fault was the man who scared you.

You should have left the queue when the person turned weird. People probably didn't intervene because they probably thought you were together.

I think your husband was unreasonable in this situation,
If you clearly looked uncomfortable he should have come over. My DH would have offered to go over with the person and I wait with the children

FFS, OP described it multiple times across her posts. I can basically draw a diagram by now with the layout of the coffee shop and who was where when the event happend.

He could have easily called out to OP. Told the kids to stay put and walked over. Asked a family to watch.

This coffee shop couldn't have been that big....

I'm cannot understand him not protecting his wife that he knew was scared/uncomfortable

Go on then....

But in your scenario you still paid for your coffee before it was made. That is what we are saying.

Op is indicating that the drink had been made already and she still needed to pay for it. Otherwise why wouldn’t she just leave?

Words are Words, get a thick skin. I would gladly make what attempt I can if any protection was actually needed, but you are your own person, responsible for yourself even when that happens expecting special treatment because someone weird says something weird is frankly as crazy as the homeless person.

And I am male, so vastly more likely to be the victim of crime, violent crime, assault, and murder than a woman.