To be really offended by what gp said?

[Moivoi]

I had an emergency gp appointment as I was having extreme anxiety. 5 days of having anxiety at a 9/10 with no let up. Not even for a minute. Not able to eat. Bit scary for me as someone in recovery from an ED.

For context I am a high achieving, perfectionist with generalised anxiety disorder.

i see a psychiatrist monthly but haven’t seen a gp in years.

The emergency gp was perfectly nice but we started discussing what therapies I’ve had. At one point the gp said something like “you can get better. You won’t get a husband a child tomorrow and it will take time but you can get there”. Excuse me WHAT. At no point had I mentioned that was what I am aiming for. It’s not. I’m looking for peace and self acceptance.

It hit a nerve cause when I turned 30 last year I did feel like I had let myself down by being single. I’m a conventionally attractive woman but have zero interest in dating so avoid it. I used to give myself a hard time for being avoidant when it came to dating.

But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

I’m 31 now and certainly not pining for a husband and kids. What a weird assumption. I’ve seen my medical notes it does not mention anything about this. The GP really just took it upon herself to make this highly presumptive statement.

She’s a middle class, educated woman in her 40s and I think really missed the mark. Maybe if the go was from a different culture I could accept that she has different norms re what success for a woman looks like.

But I just was extremely offended. It took a lot of introspection to come to peace with being where I am.

Well she missed the mark completely. Embarrassing for her really. YANBU to be offended but really you should just laugh at her for her internalised misogyny.
I do hope you feel better soon OP 💐

That was an appalling thing to say. However, keep it as her problem and not your problem. She has a poor bedside manner and made an assumption. Did she do anything helpful for you alongside?

I'm glad you're at peace with where you are. The GP was completely inappropriate and if she has any sense will reflect upon her comments and rightly cringe very hard. Regardless, it's not something you ought to spend any more time or energy thinking about. She was silly to say such a thing. Please be reassured.

I don’t think she meant badly it was more of a casual comment she might have thought was relatable for your age group but I understand why it hurt you.

Why didn't you straight asked her: "excuse what makes you think I want a husband and kids?"

I had extremely controlling parents which has made me a massive people pleaser and totally intolerant of confrontation. It probably is behind a lot of my anxiety.

I just nodded but was totally embarrassed and hurt internally

She has anxiety she wouldn’t want a confrontation not everyone feels so comfortable being so bold

Very odd thing to say, she probably felt mortified later when she realised what she said.

Do you not have an out of hours crisis team number? Your psychiatrist should have some contact information for you, they would be my first go to if this happens again.

How did she know that you didn’t have though? It sounds like it came up prior?

Yes I see my psychiatrist privately via zoom. The clinic is a 40 min drive away. I was in desperate need of some additional medication to take the edge of so to speak. My gp was more convenient as I leant my car to a friend. Normally I would speak to my psychiatrist who is pretty much always available and just lovely. In the past I have driven to the clinic when I’ve needed additional support :)

What a shit thing to say. Depending upon your mental energy to complain, I'd do just that OP. Fwiw, I realise I spent my entire teens and early 20's feeling like I would be a dismal failure should I not have found a spouse and had a family. Did that twice and both exH's hated/were abusive. A few decades later, I realise if it had been 'socially acceptable' to my parents, I'd have gone full blown into farming and/or an animal behaviour career with or without an exH who added nothing to my life apart from aggression and abuse. Granted I have two Dc from first abusive marriage, but I was just saying to my now adult kids the other day that if I had the choices they have today, I may have taken a very different route into being a single mother.

Did she miss the mark though?

The thing is I’m in absolutely no position to be in a relationship and in my current state would make an awful mother. I want to be mentally healthy and at peace. Having a husband right now would be an absolute cluster fuck. It would not add anything at all! Therefore I do not want one.

Absolutely. I do not at this current time want a husband or child. I don’t see myself ever wanting them until I am better mentally.

TW:
I worked with someone once (changing details)...who went to see a psychiatrist after some seriously upsetting life events (really bad, one 'accident' likely a suicide attempt)...he said "you have husband be happy" ...she then made a more committed attempt and permanently disabled herself. The misogyny that she had what people strive for (and therefore shouldn't be distressed 🤦‍♀️ awful
Sorry OP you deserve better ..a regular and available GP most of all 🍀

Obviously it’s a weird thing to say as she didn’t know you are single, childless or straight. Unless it came up and despite what you say you are actually in denial about it all and she picked up on that which is why it’s hit a nerve. In that case she was probably trying to reassure you. Because obviously people go to the GP to get well not to get a husband so she was saying random and irrelevant things

That is super weird. I'd almost wonder if she had a totally different patient in mind and had had a brain blip?

It is actually quite a serious issue if she routinely says things like that without it being a brain blip. One of my friends had cancer and can't have biological children; she would have been in tears if someone had just casually sprung that comment on her when she'd gone in for a completely different issue. Or imagine if you'd had a child that had died? Really awful.

How did she know that you don’t have either in the first place? Someone must have mentioned it to her, if not you then your psychiatrist.

I would definitely complain. Not acceptable at all.

But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

If this were true, surely you'd be 'rather bemused' and not 'extremely offended'??

Why do you feel it necessary to police my feelings? I felt what I felt as someone with an anxiety disorder. I genuinely have accepted I am on my own path. I will literally ruin my life by comparing myself to others. It’s been incredibly freeing.

Mad thing to say, I'm sorry OP. GPs can be so clumsy. Sounds like you're having such a rough time, hope it all passes soon x

That’s so rude.

Not everyone wants a husband or children and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think she needs reminding it’s 2026 not 1926.

Ok then yes, YABU to be 'extremely offended'.

What the doctor said was bizarre though.

i wonder if the GP was trying to illustrate the point that you don’t have to have it all ‘worked out’ by your early 30s? She just expressed it clumsily.

Do you often take things to heart, or perhaps miss the ‘meaning’ of comments? Coupled with your controlling parents, your comments about GAD etc., makes me think that you might benefit from an ASD/ADHD assessment.