To be really offended by what gp said?

[Moivoi]

I had an emergency gp appointment as I was having extreme anxiety. 5 days of having anxiety at a 9/10 with no let up. Not even for a minute. Not able to eat. Bit scary for me as someone in recovery from an ED.

For context I am a high achieving, perfectionist with generalised anxiety disorder.

i see a psychiatrist monthly but haven’t seen a gp in years.

The emergency gp was perfectly nice but we started discussing what therapies I’ve had. At one point the gp said something like “you can get better. You won’t get a husband a child tomorrow and it will take time but you can get there”. Excuse me WHAT. At no point had I mentioned that was what I am aiming for. It’s not. I’m looking for peace and self acceptance.

It hit a nerve cause when I turned 30 last year I did feel like I had let myself down by being single. I’m a conventionally attractive woman but have zero interest in dating so avoid it. I used to give myself a hard time for being avoidant when it came to dating.

But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

I’m 31 now and certainly not pining for a husband and kids. What a weird assumption. I’ve seen my medical notes it does not mention anything about this. The GP really just took it upon herself to make this highly presumptive statement.

She’s a middle class, educated woman in her 40s and I think really missed the mark. Maybe if the go was from a different culture I could accept that she has different norms re what success for a woman looks like.

But I just was extremely offended. It took a lot of introspection to come to peace with being where I am.

This is why my mother, a woman who has no maternal aspirations whatsoever, had me. And with, I imagine, huge pressure from society and my father. She was angry and resentful for the whole of my childhood.

I think she was clumsily making the point that you are making progress and at 30 still have lots of time to make the life you want.

Certainly she shouldn't have phrased it to assume that's what you wanted.

It's something that anyone would be taken aback by, but the fact you feel so strongly is probably related to your anxiety and perhaps an underlying feeling you sound be aiming for that (you mention being a people pleaser.)

I'd use this as an opportunity to avoid letting random comments from other people derail you like this. You don't want to give your power away like this.

Hi OP sorry you are struggling but just as no one expects you to be perfect, you can’t expect others to be perfect and what she said was a little bit bad to assume that you were wanting a husband and a baby. But it wasn’t excessively out of order as in fairness a family is a wonderful thing for many to have and many people strive for this. It says more about her than you.

But kindly I don’t think you should deep it too much.

for motherhood to feel comfortable, i do think it requires an element of being laid back, perfectionism and high anxiety aren’t conducive to motherhood.

So no, it isn’t for everyone and you are wise to consider this carefully.

It seems like an odd thing to just come out with if you’d not mentioned relationships or children. Maybe she thought you were drug seeking, If you’re already seeing a specialist monthly. I’d try not to give it much thought. It’s not right but You’re 1 in 25-30 patients she’s prob seen or had contact with that day.

It sounds like she was saying that one day you will get better enough to have those things that (by your account) you want.

my guess is that you mentioned it ages ago and it was somewhere in your notes that she saw.

If not, then it's an odd comment but I wouldnt be phased by it... Because I have (genuinely) settled with my decision to not persue husband/kids.

But at the end of the day, if you're offended you're offended and asking in AIBU probably won't change your offended-status.

You say that you’ve previously felt that being single made you feel as though you were letting yourself down, and that you’ve had to do a lot of work on this area suggesting it’s been quite a big thing for you in the past. Could it be that you’ve talked about it in a previous GP consultation, or that the private psychiatrist has been updating your GP (this would be normal practice) and has discussed this issue? Because a good GP will have looked/scanned through your notes prior to the consultation- so she may have read that this has been an issue for you and not realised there has been a shift in your thinking around it?

Stupid presumptious thing to say. But I don’t think it’s something to lose sleep over. Did you say anything to her about it?

I'd be curious as to what triggered the current increase in anxiety, and whether it impacted on your response in this scenario. Yes the GP made a comment which was clumsy, however your emotions in relation to it are very intense, so I'd say YABU.

She was wrong and presumptuous but you are over-reacting. The doctor is just another human being who said something stupid. I expect you say silly things sometimes - I know I do.

I'd suggest if it hit a nerve that's at least one of the issues you still have, even if it's not in the forefront of your mind.

Lots of people do find that periods are easier after having children

Just from reading your OP it's clear you still have a lot of emotions around not having 'achieved' a husband and kids yet, and while you say you feel positively about being a single woman for the foreseeable future (which is great), it still seems to be affecting you.

Do you think it's possible that in your consult you said some things that communicated that, without realising you were doing so? Otherwise it seems a very odd, entirely random thing to say.

I’d say park it for now and discuss with your psychiatrist at your next visit

I’d say park it for now and discuss with your psychiatrist at your next visit

An oddly judgemental thing to say I agree.
But otoh you do say in your post you did feel you let yourself down when you turned 30 and was single.
Maybe GP was more perceptive than you thought and you chose to be offended.

So? Why does it matter if the OP might on some level actually want a family (but has decided it’s not possible)? That doesn’t make it remotely okay for the GP to say what she did.

Can't the clinic send a prescription to your nearest pharmacy?

You say that you booked the appt because you wanted some medication to get you through a crisis. Instead, the GP decided to talk you through what was going on first before handing over a script. Yes, it was very cack-handed of her but did you eventually get the medication you wanted? I don't see a complaint as helping either of you tbh - you, hopefully, will have moved on from it and she will probably think it was your over-anxious state reacting. Many of us have had awkward, inappropriate moments with medical staff and have had to park them to concentrate on our health. I hope you're in a better place today.

I highly recommend Noah AI. It’s an online therapist and it’s really helped me with attachment issues and understanding myself.

I can’t get past an emergency appointment for anxiety?

It’s not an emergency what exactly was the risk?

Do you know even the basics about mental health issues?

I also think that what might have prevented you from saying that, is you needed to get the most out of the appointment. If you'd wasted some of your ten minutes in confrontation that would have been pointless.

I'll never forget accompanying my mum to the GP. He said something like well it's the 4F's. Fair, fat, flatulent and 40. I can still picture it and would have been about 13.

It was presumptive and heteronormative. I once had a counsellor who said things a bit like that. I ought to have put in a complaint, but didn’t in the end. Professionals like that should know better, but I suppose many of them still have learning to do.
I hope you feel better soon, OP.

Why does she have to laugh at it? The remarks were ignorant, unprofessional, potentially hurtful and sexist. If she'd been racist wouod you advise the OP to laugh at that?

OP, I think I'd report this. I'm not sure anything will happen but she should have the feedback if you can face it.

Obviously put yourself first.