To be really offended by what gp said?

[Moivoi]

I had an emergency gp appointment as I was having extreme anxiety. 5 days of having anxiety at a 9/10 with no let up. Not even for a minute. Not able to eat. Bit scary for me as someone in recovery from an ED.

For context I am a high achieving, perfectionist with generalised anxiety disorder.

i see a psychiatrist monthly but haven’t seen a gp in years.

The emergency gp was perfectly nice but we started discussing what therapies I’ve had. At one point the gp said something like “you can get better. You won’t get a husband a child tomorrow and it will take time but you can get there”. Excuse me WHAT. At no point had I mentioned that was what I am aiming for. It’s not. I’m looking for peace and self acceptance.

It hit a nerve cause when I turned 30 last year I did feel like I had let myself down by being single. I’m a conventionally attractive woman but have zero interest in dating so avoid it. I used to give myself a hard time for being avoidant when it came to dating.

But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

I’m 31 now and certainly not pining for a husband and kids. What a weird assumption. I’ve seen my medical notes it does not mention anything about this. The GP really just took it upon herself to make this highly presumptive statement.

She’s a middle class, educated woman in her 40s and I think really missed the mark. Maybe if the go was from a different culture I could accept that she has different norms re what success for a woman looks like.

But I just was extremely offended. It took a lot of introspection to come to peace with being where I am.

my psychiatrist has been very thorough when it comes to diagnosing. I am not autistic. I can read a room and have never had issues with interpreting social interactions.

I once had a male gynecologist tell me if I didn’t stop complaining about my abdominal pain, I would never keep a man.

Don't talk nonsense. I have husband and kids and I’d be extremely offended at the insinuation that that’s all a woman could or should possibly want in life.

@Moivoi Is there any chance she could have misunderstood or misread something you had said prior to that?
It was clumsy of her at best and downright awful if there was no prior talk of children or marriage at all.

Are you sure you didn't mishear her?

Have you ever discussed wanting a husband or children with your GP? As it’s a very odd thing to say, the only thing I can think of is she meant ‘you will get better, but it’s going to take time, just as it takes time to find a partner / have a child’ so trying to find an analogy, but an utterly crap and potentially extremely insensitive one.

Have you never said anything you regret OP? GP was daft and probably regrets it but I would just move on.

That's awful, I hope that afterwards she thought why did I say that.

You sound awesome by the way, in your mindset.

Jesus!!

I had an appointment in my late teens with a male doctor to discuss the pill and when asked about my sexual activity and explaining I wasn’t active he said ‘don’t worry, someone will jump on you soon’.

And even if you DO want those things right now, or ever, it's poor of her to make that assumption in any case. Or to suggest that that should be a woman's goal in life. Urgh. I'm sorry, OP. Some people are still stuck in thr mid 1900s. I fully agree with you that she was wrong to say that.

These deserve a separate thread. I bet others have similar to tell

That's awful. I'm so sorry. Totally uninvited and unnecessary. It's very common to hear these kinds of ridiculous statements from healthcare professionals. This won't be the last time unfort. Depending on my mood and energy I will call them out during the appointment or write a complaint letter, but it's also ok just to ignore them. Most of the time they think they're helping or being nice - sexism and ablelism is rampant in the NHS in my experience.

I don’t see myself ever wanting them until I am better mentally.

She said you will get better and will be in a place to have a husband and child eventually. It was an odd thing for her to say but it sounds like you and the GP are on the same page.

People say daft things all the time. You can choose to take them this seriously, or you can roll your eyes and let them pass right over you.

It was unprofessional for her to say this in a doctor-patient context. I wouldn't be offended (except perhaps generally by the perhaps unintentional casual homophobia) but I would be surprised that a trained physician doesn't know better than to voice this kind of archaic cultural ideal even if she herself still personally holds it. It would make me question her judgement more generally, I'm afraid. But in the moment, my reaction to "you won’t get a husband a child tomorrow" would probably have been a spontaneous and wholehearted "no kidding - and thank fuck!!"

I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend you,just made an ill thought out comment that struck a nerve.
i always assume people don’t mean to be mean and give them the benefit of the doubt.
I personally wouldn’t want it to bother me so much-it adds fuel to the fire of anxiety ( been there done that) and I wouldn’t like to keep ruminating over it either.

The trouble is, the GP was wrong to say this but they are only human and they aren’t perfect. Please don’t take this crass response personally, just see it as a GP who is a bit of an idiot.

She was trying to be nice. Imagine dwelling on something so blah to this extent.

You should speak to a therapist about that (no sarcasm intended). Psychiatrists aren't generally interested in the talking cure, but hopefully you have a psychologist or counsellor you talk to as well.

Honestly it would have been hard for me not to laugh in her face, or maybe I’d pretend I was getting a call and say “sorry that was THE 1950s CALLING”.

YANBU.

YANBU but could the GP have confused you with the backstory of another patient?

Well but that’s what she said: in the future you will be well enough to have those things that your current illness make impossible.

If it didn't hit the mark why would you be so offended but her remark. Honestly I wouldn't have given it another thought.

@Moivoi sorry, but I agree with this. I don't think you've really accepted it, but would like to have.

keep talking your therapist x

Lol. Catch a man, pop out sprogs- isn't that all any of us ever dreams of?😏

Just laugh at the silly mare.

I once told a (male) GP I was thinking of leaving my husband and he asked if I was on my period and how was my mood at the moment😂I just looked at him in shock, and then laughed. This was years ago but every now and then something will remind me of this (like this thread) and I still shake my head and smile.

I actually think he was trying to be helpful, he was taken aback and flailing around looking for a response and was generally otherwise a good GP, but just clueless about the subject matter and it was the first thing that popped into his brain 😋He looked embarrassed when I laughed too.

And I really shouldn't have brought it up, I was there for antibiotics but he asked me how I was feeling and I was having a bad day 😂

Obviously, everyone reacts differently to well meant but inappropriate comments, but I think the OPs GP was trying to be kind.

It can't be easy to be expected to have to counsel someone with serious mental health issues when your actual role is emergency doctor, not therapist. You wouldn't go to an electrician and expect them to fix your car, counselling/ therapy/psychology are specialised roles and though (some) GPs touch on mental illness they're not counsellors and obviously don't want to be counsellors or they would be doing that instead.

People with mental health issues can be pretty self absorbed. It would do the OP some good to do pretty much anything that does not involve endlessly ruminating on perceived slights and how she feels all day every day, and choosing to be offended about a throwaway comment from a woman who was trying to help her.

if we want to be given grace by others when we accidentally stuff up we must first practice giving it when it is clear that there is no malice intended.

The GP is a moron. A healthy, happy, successful woman certainly doesn’t have to be married with a child. She can be whomever she wants to be. I hope you get the extra support you need right now and long term. Definitely avoid that GP.