To be really offended by what gp said?

[Moivoi]

I had an emergency gp appointment as I was having extreme anxiety. 5 days of having anxiety at a 9/10 with no let up. Not even for a minute. Not able to eat. Bit scary for me as someone in recovery from an ED.

For context I am a high achieving, perfectionist with generalised anxiety disorder.

i see a psychiatrist monthly but haven’t seen a gp in years.

The emergency gp was perfectly nice but we started discussing what therapies I’ve had. At one point the gp said something like “you can get better. You won’t get a husband a child tomorrow and it will take time but you can get there”. Excuse me WHAT. At no point had I mentioned that was what I am aiming for. It’s not. I’m looking for peace and self acceptance.

It hit a nerve cause when I turned 30 last year I did feel like I had let myself down by being single. I’m a conventionally attractive woman but have zero interest in dating so avoid it. I used to give myself a hard time for being avoidant when it came to dating.

But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

I’m 31 now and certainly not pining for a husband and kids. What a weird assumption. I’ve seen my medical notes it does not mention anything about this. The GP really just took it upon herself to make this highly presumptive statement.

She’s a middle class, educated woman in her 40s and I think really missed the mark. Maybe if the go was from a different culture I could accept that she has different norms re what success for a woman looks like.

But I just was extremely offended. It took a lot of introspection to come to peace with being where I am.

I knew someone whose doctor suggested she have a baby because it might improve her period pain

I think she could have phrased it better - maybe she meant in the future you’ll be able to live a more “normal” life if your anxiety is better. And just took wanting a husband and children as part of that as standard.

Someone in the midst of a mental health crisis cannot always let an unwarranted comment roll off them. It is not the job of a GP to judge and that is essentially what this one was doing. She was dumping her perceived view of womanhood on someone who did not need that. What she should have done was advise that she see her psychiatrist as soon as possible and give her medicine to calm the anxiety.

The comment from your male GP is outrageous and hilarious at the same time. I guess we all say stupid things from time to time, but that takes the biscuit.

Why do you see a psychiatrist monthly? That's entirely unnecessary and makes me think they've seen you coming and are making a pretty penny for you. Psychiatrists are brilliant for diagnosis, medications, and medication reviews... but except for perhaps a month follow up after a medication change, it isn't normal to have such frequent appointments.

It sounds like you'd be better placed spending your money on a clinical psychologist instead.

I would be very interested in the GPs account of this appointment. I expect the fact that it has upset you so much means that she actually very much hit the mark...

Sadly not a huge surprise, a friend upon seeking help for anxiety was told she was anxious because she doesn’t have children, but having children would solve it. Like you there has been no talk at all about relationships or children. Female GP.

She was also assuming you’re heterosexual. A really strange thing to say.. but I’d maybe find a way to provide feedback calmly - saying that it’s not 1950 and some women want a wife..

Going to throw this in here. Is there a possibility that she got those set of personal wants mixed up with a different patient? I'm wondering if she perhaps thought she'd had this conversation with you at some point before, hence the reference to it now.

I have anxiety and can relate to your comments about it probably coming from controlling parents. My fear of ever doing anything wrong is also so big it's unmeasurable!

With my anxiety I also tend to overthink and take things out of context. Causes a lot of self doubt, which then feeds back in to it all.

You sound like a wonderful, successful lady in your own right. That is something to be proud of.

Maybe it depends on the psychiatrist? I get what you’re saying though. However, I’ve come across more than one clinical psychologist, who just go goes through the motions. I’ve had most success with therapists, ones, who’ve been recommended.

I’d make a complaint to her so that she knows not to repeat this absolute bullshit to other women. Hopefully she will apologise and it will make her think when she opens her mouth. You sound like you’re doing really well trying to deal with anxiety. I deal with it too and am a bit older than you but a lot of what you say resonates with me.

So many women have bought wholesale into the idea that having a man, any man, is the absolute and only important thing and goal in a woman’s life. It’s so stupid and leads to misery for many. My SIL grew up with that message from my MIL and ended up having kids with quite possibly the biggest piece of human shit imaginable and her days are spent dealing with abuse and crap from him. There were multiple red flags obviously but my SIL was brought up to ignore them and my MIL used to outright tell her he’d definitely change when they got married. Obviously he just got worse and worse but my MIL still tells her she shouldn’t leave him as she’d be single then and apparently that’s the worst thing ever. Ironically my MIL is single herself but apparently that’s okay but woe betide any other woman who is. Grinds my gears no end.

Please complain.

What the fuck sort of logic is that? That if you get upset by comments that are offensive then said comments must be true? Yes, it’s upsetting being told, explicitly or implicitly that you are a failure in the eyes of society. Especially so if you are a perfectionist suffering from anxiety. That applies even if someone does not want those things and/or has decided not to pursue them because of things like mental illness (which is extremely valid and responsible and something many others who decide to become parents despite having severe MH issues would have been well placed in doing). I can absolutely believe that this GP said this because I’ve heard it said by so many people so often. It doesn’t matter whether OP actually wants a husband and kids, she still shouldn’t have said it.

It hit a nerve cause when I turned 30 last year I did feel like I had let myself down by being single. I’m a conventionally attractive woman but have zero interest in dating so avoid it. I used to give myself a hard time for being avoidant when it came to dating.
But I’ve done A LOT of work and have definitely accepted I am on my own path and what will be will be. I can and will live a very fulfilling life as a single woman if that is what ends up happening. I’m not going to judge myself in relation to conventional timelines. I’ve actually found that to be really freeing.

I don’t understand how it struck a nerve if you have definitely accepted what will be will be. It sounds like in the moment you have judged yourself. Which is fine, it just means that you still have some work to do to fully accept the path you’re on.

Why? Accepting yourself doesn’t mean you can’t be offended by ridiculous assumptions,

I saw a physiotherapist once who took my blood pressure and noting it was higher than he would like asked me if I had anxiety, ‘because I notice the scars on your arms’.
so he decided from looking at my arms that I’d been self harming…I hadn’t, I volunteered at an animal sanctuary and one of the cats just liked to use me as a scratching post.

I would email the practice manager with a complaint.
1 she was making assumptions based on nothing you'd said and nothing in your file.
2 if she does that with you, how many others is she doing it with? And what might the impacts be?
I wouldn't spend hours on it, you can copy and paste the relevant bits from your Post. Don't ask for an apology or anything like that, just ask them to note on your file that you don't wish to see that doctor again.

When is your next appointment with your psychiatrist? Maybe just discuss this with them?

But you said it did hit a nerve? You said that when you turned 30 you felt you had let yourself down by not having a partner? So although you also mention coming to terms with being single now perhaps the GP didn't pick up on that and just picked up how you were feeling when you turned 30. Are you seeing the psychiatrist on the NHS? Is it something you talked about with them? If so it will be in your notes and the GP may have read them. If not perhaps the psychiatrist wrote a report to the GP at some point or spoke with them?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be offended by such a weird, misogynistic, reductive comment.

Any idea what caused the extreme anxiety? And wha did the GP do to address the health issue you went to see the GP for as an emergency app?

I think sometimes GPs don’t know what to say for some which isn’t a physical health issue. That’s on her, not you.

Years ago I saw my gp for a sick note for hyperemisis when pregnant and out the blue she told me that I ought to get married and if I did people would buy me presents and someone might buy me a washing machine. I was stunned but didn’t say anything. But was annoyed afterwards as I was perfectly capable of buying myself anything I needed including a washing machine.

Honestly, just give the GP a break. She made a comment that admittedly wasn’t well judged but it obviously wasn’t intended to trigger a bad response in you.
It’s all very well expecting everyone to make allowances for your “anxiety” but maybe spare a thought for other people as well. You have no idea what stress iand pressure the GP is living and working under. You are not the only one who needs consideration.

It makes absolutely no sense for the GP whom you have never met to have made this comment without it having been raised in the consultation. How would she even know you were single and childless?
You say you went to the GP as your anxiety levels were out of control. When people are in that high state of anxiety they often either misremember conversations or misinterpret things. Their behaviour and understanding at that moment is very erratic. It’s possible that this is what’s happened here and all you’re taking away from the appointment is that the GP said something that’s touched a nerve.
Focus on the positives that the appointment has for you.

I think it was an off remark but it wasn't meant as a sleight or a criticism of you or how you live your life. GP's are humans, some are great at face-to-face stuff and others just are not. I would try to brush it off, personally.

My mother used to get offended every time she went to the GP. Once she was told it might be an idea to get a blood test to check for type 2 diabetes and she roared out of there like a dragon. Blood test showed type 2 diabetes.

They do their best, sometimes it offends people, especially when they make social assumptions.

YABU. You mentioned you've had therapy. If you have had any CBT, then you will understand that it is your belief system that has caused the reaction here, not the comment which was clumsy but hardly offensive.

She was completely out of order, disgraceful comment from a GP, very out of touch. Yanbu.
I hope you feel better soon, take care of yourself,

I just wanted to send a hug and agree that the GP was well out of order. I have suffered from anxiety all my life and have chosen not to date or aspire to having family for this reason and due to growing up with parents in a disfunctional marriage which scarred me. You managed to articulate how I feel way better than I could. I wish you all the best on your journey x

Don’t be ridiculous. How is it disgraceful?