MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

Having now read all the op's posts, this is more about a clash of cultures than grandmothering styles. In the circs, I imagine your MIL may feel sidelined and awkward and it's escalated from there.

I'm assuming the DH/MIL are from a white/British culture and that MIL is poleaxed that your parents moved within 10 mins of you to take over the grandchildren.

I can imagine the op's MIL does a lot of eyerolling and finds the dependence on grandparental help and support mindblowing, especially as there is no mention of the op working. I'd be really worried about my ds in similar circumstances.

IME of posts on here and seeing my own family dynamics, it seems that mothers of daughters are often more involved with the gc. I don’t think you did anything wrong posting about your parents being supportive, they’re clearly brilliant. Your mil really cannot whinge when she’s driving to her ds an hour away but not to you. Does she feel unwelcome? Either way, it’s for your dh to speak to her, not you.

In my experience it is definitely avoiding the conflict to avoid EA.

Female giving the silent treatment, planning birthdays and not speaking to him in front of guests including IL’s, refusing to join a holiday, leaving early, not turning up at significant events, hiding information until the last minute to embarrass…

Sadly I could go on.

Goes both ways

Its roles reversed for me (my own parents not really interested, MIL helped us loads) and although sometimes I wanted to post things, especially when my daughter was younger, it’s best to keep this stuff off social media.
Maybe you shouldn’t have to, but it’s worth it for a quiet life!

I haven’t RTFT, just wanted to give a slightly different perspective.

My daughters in laws live very close to her, are heavily involved in their lives, pop round daily with yellow sticker stuff from the supermarket he works in etc, have the children once a week overnight as they have rooms in their house etc.

I work full time, have two kids with SEND at home and live an hour away. So can’t be on hand as much. I love my daughter and the kids, see them when I can, help if I can but we always feel like we are intruding on their set up / family unit when we do go. The house isn’t very big so we end up sitting on the floor, as it’s so difficult to find a time when the inlaws aren’t in the house.

That said, this is life, there are really practical reasons this happens and I’m so pleased for her that she has that level of support on hand. Sometimes I feel sad though.

I know you said her sister is also an hour away - but in her mind might not be the same sort of drive. Ie she’s prob very familiar with the route she does to her sisters.
can I suggest your hubby FaceTime her with kids once a week

Yes, me and DH had this conversation this morning. MIL’s own parents had her 3 dcs (including dh) overnight twice a week to help PIL. They went to their maternal grandmothers house every day after school during primary years so MIL could work. But MIL’s MIL was very similar to her, very distant. Dh doesn’t even know his father’s parents, despite them both still being alive (though they’d be in their early 90s now). I think she must have forgotten all this. MIL has another son with a child, but MIL is NC with this son entirely and MIL has never met and refuses to acknowledge the child that is technically my dcs cousin. Dh’s brother and mother fell out because MIL didn’t like BILs girlfriend (mother of the other grandchild). This all makes MIL sound bad but she is a lovely woman in person, we get along just fine.

DH’s relationship with his mum and supporting her building relationships with her grandchildren are for him to manage. He seems to have made sensible choices so far. As you say, she hasn’t made much effort. YANBU to continue in the same ways.

YABU for gushing on social media and for suggesting that MIL telephone or video call a 3 year old to keep in touch, which seems pointless.

Whoever of DH’s siblings showed MIL your social media post is U!

You have said a lot about your parents moving to be on your doorstep/there daily vs your MiL’s reserve about driving to you.

How often do you visit her or ask to visit her (since the two hour round trip requires arrangements, ten minutes from your front door does not need such pre arrangement)?

I just wouldn't reply. Sometimes silence says it all.

And this is the perfect example why some grandparents are not heavily involved.

When you have one set who want to be a part of their grandchildren’s lives and help the parents, and another set who complain about unpaid childcare, it’s not surprising to see why one set of grandparents become closer and more involved.

YANBU OP. Your parents are involved because they want to be. Your MIL doesn’t want to be and that’s fine, but she can’t then complain she’s not put on the same pedestal.

So if I want a close relationship with my DGC I must be prepared to move house, give up work and provide free childcare?

Could be tricky as they don’t even all live in the same country and I’m still working.

Sorry this is slightly off topic but I'm surprised at all the people saying calling a 3yo is silly. I have a 3yo and 3 out of 4 grandparents (husband and mine both have separated parents) live far away and they regularly call her. She chats to them, after Christmas she showed them some of her new toys, with my dad she even plays games with him. Video call not just the phone but still. I think it's a lovely way to spend time together so I'm surprised to see so many people against it!

@Conversationalcheddar can you quote that back to her re the delightful car comment !!
Maybe say what your own mum did about car seats to help her understand the differences

Your husband can make one if he likes.
Stop travelling to her if she refuses to drive.
I cannot be dealing with this selective driving.
My in laws were like this, even though I like them and when it no longer suited me to travel to them, I stopped.
Road runs both ways.
You are so blessed with your mother, well done for acknowledging her.

My in laws have a close relationship with my young DC - they live on the other side of the country!

You don’t have to live 10 mins down the road to keep a relationship going.

@Frogbear and the third way, they want to be too Involved and not to help parents but to take over and do it right becsuee they are better

Perhaps it’s a covid legacy thing for some of us @glitterpaperchain

As a DC I was often encouraged to speak to extended family by telephone and disliked it.

My DC were much older than 3 when we encouraged them to participate in video calls with grandparents (living far away), and this accelerated during covid lockdowns. They didn’t seem to mind it but as teens rarely choose to communicate with GPs that way - it was much more for the GPs, which is fair enough.

Mm. A difficult one, as its hard to see where your MiL would fit into your set up, because your mum is (in the nicest possible way) taking up so much space in your family. Realistically you don't want two of them calling multiple times a day, having your DC all the time and never off your doorstep, do you? So MiL can never be anything but second fiddle.
She has the role of second place grandma, which can be a hurtful place for many paternal grandparents, and is performing it her way. Which isnt enough for you, but that's unfortunate because that's where you are.
Obviously she shouldn't be aggressive about what you post about your mum, as its her sons job to appreciate her.

Is there a FIL?

YANBU OP.

She's just jealous. She has FOMO. She wants to wear the crown of the 'bestest grandparent' but can't actually be arsed to do the actual grandparenting bit, proven by her words and actions. Often this involves more than the grandchildren being delivered to you so that you can take photos and brag about being a proud GP.

Your MIL clearly has issues with her DILs judging by what you have said about her other son and his GF.

Yes, often a daughter is going to remain closer to her mum than her MIL and ipso facto, the DC. My DM however, despite working full-time, struggling financially, manages to maintain an amazing relationship with me and my brothers, their wives and all her GC. Ultimately she helps out when she can (and VERY often when she really can't but still does!!) and makes a huge effort with all her GC. They all absolutely adore her.

With my ILs on the other hand, we have just had jealousy, indifference and uselessness. They have NEVER helped out, even in our direst needs. Never call. No interest in the GC and what A level results they got etc. No surprise really that our now adult DC are not interested in them.

You reap what you sow.

@Gretchener yes my disabled dp drove for three hours once to help us out and mil cancelling us for hard to move hair appts ( didn't work )

That’s childish . My DIl is the one that organises most get togethers with me , it’s way more practical and she is the one that mainly organises the social calendar , I’m glad she doesn’t think she has to get my son to tell me .

MIL has another son with a child, but MIL is NC with this son entirely and MIL has never met and refuses to acknowledge the child that is technically my dcs cousin. Dh’s brother and mother fell out because MIL didn’t like BILs girlfriend (mother of the other grandchild).

This does make her sound quite dogmatic or judgmental- that’s a super harsh reaction for a mother, to cut her child off.