MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

This doesn't align with anything the OP has said. You're projecting.

This is all on her. She isn't paticularly interested and resents that your mother is.
A few years ago my friend got pissed off with her completely disinterested mother wanting photos of the children at key moments to put up for show.
She unexpectedly ran into relatives that mentioned how devoted her parents were to her and the children, and she was confused and said we don't see them from one end of the month to the other.
Her mother had bizarrely fed them some fairytale of both parents being at her beck and call.
Things couldn't be further from the truth.
Her mother was very annoyed with her for "betraying" her parents.
Her parents had zero real interest in her as a child or her siblings, so she realised it was foolish of her to expect them to be suddenly interested in grandchildren.
She accepted it and matched their energy.
Fortunately her in laws were amazing and the children loved them, so she got on with it.

Maybe DH could reply “Mum, it isn’t a competition, and you are always welcome to visit us and your grandchildren. In fact we often feel sad that you don’t accept our
invitations more often. You are also free to call and chat to Dc1 whenever you like! HNY xx “

@ittakes2Of course she’s more familiar with the drive to her sister’s. She does it every week. If she made the effort to visit her son and dip, she’d soon get familiar with that route too.

Sounds like there wouldn't be much time for your MIL to be involved anyway, given your mother seems to be there or on the phone to them all day...

When your DH responds, I would suggest it's something like "Cheddar's message was just an appreciation message to her mum and really wasn't implying anything at all about you. Cheddar's mum does a lot for us, which we both appreciate. It isn't a competition but we're sorry if that makes you feel pushed out, it's not at all our intention and we would all love for you to see more of us and the kids if that's what you want. What changes do you have in mind for how you could be more involved, mum?"

IMO your DH is at fault and should make more effort with his mum. Perhaps then she would feel less upset by you appreciating your own mum. I personally think your DH should just give his mum a call not reply to her message (or ignore it, which you should not let him do as this would let him off the hook responsibility-wise). Come to some arrangement which makes both parties feel less sidelined. (If it were me, I’d have happily visited a grandparent an hour’s drive away as well as have a friends’ birthday party).

Put yourself in her shoes. If you had a best friend who had another best friend who lived next door and was seemingly with them 24/7 wouldn’t you feel like you were third fiddle? It would probably make you retreat and like you ‘couldn’t compete’ but you’d still feel upset.

As an aside I think a gushing social media post always runs the risk of making someone feel bad whether they tell you about it or not. Not everyone is lucky to have parental support for example.

Don’t play into it op or try to please her. Remember she’s just your dh mother, not someone who you need to win their approval. She doesn’t want to be involved, so she doesn’t get any recognition. Simple as that.

Lovely people don't ignore the existence of grandchildren because 'they don't like' their son's partner.

Lovely people don't rely on grandparent childcare themselves when raising their children, but aggressively spout 'I've raised mine' when they haven't ever been asked to babysit/watch their grandchildren.

Lovely people don't moan they're not being 'thanked' on social media when they haven't lifted a finger to maintain a relationship or have done anything to be thanked for.

Lovely people don't say they can't possibly visit their own son and grandchildren because 'they don't like driving' when they regularly drive the same distance to see other family. Which she does. Regularly.

Lovely people don't want other people, here their counterpart grandparent, OP's mum, to do LESS to make themselves feel better about not doing anything at all. Which is what's happening here.

She sounds very self centred although also the post has unearthed her feelings of resentment and jealousy (which were already there) so in a way this a good opportunity for this to be tackled head on.
Your DH need to respond but should think carefully about the words perhaps using this to ask what MIL wants to happen and do differently, perhaps playback her own words about her being done with raising her own children and not wanting to raise yours ie what relationship would she like? This might be better as a conversation.
You have to put the ball back in her court about what needs to be different.

That isn’t consistent with what you said.

You equated someone saying they could not be the unpaid childcare with someone saying they don’t want a close relationship with their DGC.

If a DC living an hour away told me to make sure my new car took their childseats I would also wonder what they would expect (although I would just ask). Asking if I want their seat specs in case its every useful is a very different question. A lot of this is about the communication and mismatched expectations.

Expecting grandparents to move house to help with children is unreasonable - we all have other children/family/jobs to consider. Presumably the OP is an only child. Its also easy to underestimate the barrier to a reserved person of having to arrange visits knowing there is a grandma in chief in residence most of the time. Usually both sides need to accommodate the other a bit where cultures conflict.

I note also there is rarely criticism of the FiLs for not downing tools and moving ten minutes away to be free childcare in these threads.

Your dh should reply and tell her to stop being so ridiculous. If she wants credit or thanks then she should try actually helping sometime

How often do you all drive over to see MIL so she can spend time with her grandchildren? Given your DM spends so much time with you, I would imagine you won’t be playing catch up on chores at the weekend as much as most families without your level of support so the whole family could see MIL when DH isn’t working. Do you work? You don’t mention the grandfathers, where are they in this set up?

excactly

sounds like you prefer your own mum anyway

No. @Conversationalcheddar isn't harsh. The MIL has clearly made no effort and has also made it clear that she doesn't wish to make effort but yet expects the young family to make the effort with her.
@Conversationalcheddar your DH has two options re her message. One would be to not reply, simply ignore the outburst. The other would be to try to open up a conversation about how the two of you are surprised/hurt that she hasn't made more effort to see her son and grandchildren.

Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe

she is your mum. You can make as many appreciative instagram posts about her as you want. One an hour all year if you like.

😀
Is this ‘tongue in cheek’?

That can't be a genuine view of your children’s grandparent and a part of your family.

I find women who discourage their mils usually have good reason and its usually because they over step and make everything about themselves... very similar to getting upset over a post your dil made for her own mother which she doesn't need permission for nor does she need to justify this to an mil who clearly saw the post and recognised that it highlighted what a lazy grandmother she is in comparison. Its her own hang up and nothing to do with the op. That aside there is nothing to suggest op has done this so im not sure what your point is.

You can do what you like. I’m a similar age, working in a professional role but would want to be hands on with any grandchildren. I’d reduce my working hours to help out if it would be helpful & could fit in around my other commitments (lucky to have the option, but just where my personal priorities lie).

If I rarely saw them and the other grandparents saw them all the time I could hardly sulk if the other grandparents were more involved and had a stronger relationship.

My in-laws are like this. My parents and the in-laws both live 10 mins away. My parents have always been fully involved, see at least once a week, text all the time. They know everything about my kids and what they are like as people . Their likes and dislikes (teenagers now)
My in-laws are very nice people and very kind. But they have never built a relationship with the kids. We would always go round and they would just sit and have adult conversations, ignore the kids, didn't ask them questions etc. Whereas at my mums house they had as many toys as at home. My mum would play with them all the time.
In laws would go weeks if not months without ringing. I used to do it just to keep contact but I got so annoyed I told husband we would stop and see what happens. It went on for 6 months.
At Xmas they buy them gifts that they are not interested in or clothes they dont like as they dont know them. They dont even know what schools they go to and they forget their ages.
I used to get extremely upset about it. Then my SIL had a child and mil is exactly the same with them, never sees them. So then I knew it wasnt personal.
My kids are very happy to have such involved grandparents and they never even mention the other ones.
My own grandparents were the same. I had one who I saw all the time , one I never had a relationship with . That one is still alive, nearly 100, I haven't seen her for years

She may not have the confidence /social skills to put herself forward.
She may be waiting to be asked/included.
Possibly you may be unintentionally be making her feel excluded. The Instagram post does seem out of place. What your Mum does for you and DGC is private, no one else's concern. This makes me feel your MIL may have been made to feel an outsider. TBH posting on MN seems to be another way of having a go at her, when she can't give her side of things.
I could be wrong but I feel something has made her like this.

Sounds like your SIL is a bit of a snake. Why did she feel the need to shit stir? She knows her DM isn't on Instagram.

As for your MIL, I reckon if she tried to be as full on as your DM you would find her a bit of a pain in the back side. Most people would find that level of contact from anyone to be stifling.

That being said she sounds a bit shit, I do find people who say 'I've raised my children' were usually mediocre parents (who relied on GP help themselves!). Why does she expect you to drive your DCs over on the same roads she is afraid of? As for not replying to messages my MIL used to reply to DH when I was the one who messaged her, it makes you feel like you don't exist doesn't it? If she can't acknowledge you as the mother of her GCs in a simple message or even bother to write any reply at all, why would she expect you to write a gushing post about her?

Horses for courses

I have done and still do quite a lot with and for my DGC

I would be aghast if anything about it was posted on SM

It might be nice to break the pattern and go visit your grandmother?
You might find you really like her?

Did you even bother to read the OP's posts?