MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

DH can reply - “I’m sorry you feel that way. Please let me know when you’d like to come and visit the children. The children would love to see you more often”.

FFS, the OP is NOT "sidelining" her mil. Her mil is declining opportunities to bond with her grandchildren.
In my case, that hackneyed old trope was disproved. My mil was fabulous, lived locally, had a very hands-on and mutually adoring relationship with the kids and I was devastated when she died.

@Lollylavender Again, read the OP. The mil drives a similar distance each week to see her sister.

I'm surprised so many posters have misread the OP so badly. OP's MIL isn't being excluded by OP. OP's attempts to involve her have been repeatedly rebuffed and so she's stopped making the effort. At what point do you take someone at their word and action and accept they're just not that interested? I don't think OP is unreasonable to have reached that point.

Is DH going to ask his mum about the driving phobia and help her? 60s not old and this could seriously impact her life and future independence. With regard to your mum, keep doing what works best for you all.

Or maybe like she said she has raised her kids so isn’t interested. Which is fine. My mother in law was the same and told us that repeatedly. ‘I’ve done my bit’ blah blah. - okay - so don’t get jealous when the other grandparents want to be involved.

Ours did die down a lot as looking after our kids came a massive amount of work (which my parents volunteered for gladly) but we couldn’t seem to win when the kids were younger

Oh god, don’t even dignify her with a reply! Or say:

Do you want us to gush about you on social media when you say things like “I’m done raising my kids, I’m not raising yours” and have only met our youngest twice? Your son calls you way more than you call him, so what “acknowledgment” of your involvement do you need here?”

She is just annoyed because your post inadvertently called her out publically but she shouldn’t expect you to lie. If she doesn’t want to be an involved grandma she should just own it!!

I do think this is true, even if unintentional. When my children were small my parents were just always around and my in laws were not. They lived an hour away and didn't drive. I always had to remind DH to call his mum which I thought was a bit sad. In hindsight I could have done more to include her. This was in the 90s before SM.

Just on the subject of phone calls.
Years ago I kept up with friends and family by picking up the phone anytime but it's not really the done thing now to just ring people without warning. The consequence of that is fewer calls.
My adult DC lead very busy lives and work long hours. I love to chat to them but never ring unless it's urgent because I don't want to interrupt / intrude. I let them ring me when it's convenient to them because I'm retired and available any time. They'll often call while driving home or out walking. Perhaps the MIL feels similarly?

OP's MIL has sidelined herself. She doesn't visit even though she is invited and has told OP and her husband that she has raised her own children so won't be raising theirs.

Yep and the MIL is ONLY upset because of what “people might think” not because she actually cares!

Also, I'm not appreciating some of the ageist and sexist posts on here.
Why is the OP getting the blame for her dh's seemingly poor relationship with his mother? It's on him to facilitate things, surely?
And Jesus, 60s is not old!! I'm perfectly phone/IT literate and have driven hundreds of thousands of miles over the years - congested/fast-moving motorways, heavy London traffic, abroad in weird hire cars, up snowy mountain passes in blizzards in the dark.

@Tourmalines laughing at ‘let her babysit’ haha

It's in the OP.

I also don’t think there’s any element of “people might think” implied in my post, intentionally by me. I can say I love and appreciate my mum without that also meaning “but not you, MIL”. It’s also an element of this all I don’t like.

Difficult situation OP, and on the face of it , it seems clear cut and that MIL is making little effort.
you do mention PIL so one assumes you have a FIL - is he fit and well, does he drive, how does he fit in with your husband and the wider family? Are family finances fairly even or is travel cost an issue for them?
I am mid sixties, retired and in general good health but I find travel tiring and driving in the dark has been challenging for several years especially on less familiar roads. That said, I’d be very happy to arrive by 10am earliest and leave by 3 to work around this and an hours drive each way would still be worth it

now that your baby is a bit older could you arrange to meet up half way sometimes? A pub with a play area in winter or public parks etc for picnics in summer?
Would your husband consider a get together with his parents so that this can be discussed - maybe there are health issues they feel they can’t text about? face to face is better than texting

You’re putting the workload on the woman here when it is not her relationship to facilitate!! If men were raised to value their mothers then things would be a lot different.

My DH is close to his parents and by default they see a lot of their grandchildren. A lot of men don’t want to put in the effort and it shows.

The OP and her DH have clearly tried to facilitate this relationship but the MIL has chosen not to engage. It’s not a case of the DIL favouring her mum, she naturally wants to spend time with her own mother and it’s for the husband to work out his relationship with his mother. If the MIL declines what else can they do?

Your husband needs to wait a week when she’s calmed down then ring her. He can explain that, “ x’s mum does a lot for us and list the examples. So x wanted to acknowledge that and thank her. I would do the same for you, if you helped us with the children too. But you choose not to and that’s perfectly fine. But you can’t have me thanking you publicly for something you didn’t do?! “Then chuckle. Hopefully she’ll feel silly and stop her tantrum.

Oh no, I fully support your post, it sounds well-deserved. Just saying that it’s probably where your MIL is coming from in her wrath. She sounds batshit tbh.

Something I have thought about too. FWIW…

Familiarity plays a role. Mother and daughter relationships are built on shared history and similar expectations. In-law relationships are not wrong, they are simply different, and those differences can be misread as criticism or rejection.

Acceptance and compromise are often lacking. When one side expects the other to adapt entirely, resentment can grow. Relationships formed through marriage require more conscious effort than those formed by birth.

Age and life stage matter too. Grandparents may forget things, ramble, seem selfish, or have practical limitations. These traits are not unique to in-laws but are often judged more harshly when emotional bonds are weaker.

Some men avoid conflict by prioritising their partner’s wishes, which can leave their mother sidelined and deepen tension rather than resolve it.

There may also be a territorial or biological element. Women often seek control and security within their own family unit, especially once children arrive.

Interesting in my experience experience, my son and his male partner are more naturally inclusive of extended family on both sides, very relaxed, no territorial element at all.

After all, the same adults who are MIL’s are Mothers!

Can you direct me to a thread where we hear both sides of the story? I seem to have missed those threads as all the threads that I have ever read and commented on have only ever included OP's side of the story, apart from one notable exception where the OP was criticising her sister and sent her a couple of the very few posts supporting her. Her sister found the thread and gave us her side of the story. This has only happened once, to my knowledge.

I bet there are threads where you have supported the OP having only heard the OP's side of the story.

MIL drives the same distances to see her own sister as she would need to drive to visit her son and DIL, so it's unlikely that there are health issues.

Same. My late MIL was also wonderful, and so involved. She adored spending time with her GC, despite living further away than OPs MIL does, made the effort with electronic communication and is lovingly remembered by them now.

I think those of us who have or had great MILs are particularly well equipped to identify the problem here.

Yes, totally understood what you meant :) just frustrated that MIL has taken “I love my mum” to mean “and not my MIL”.

Some men avoid conflict by prioritising their partner’s wishes, which can leave their mother sidelined and deepen tension rather than resolve it.

Some men are too lazy/passive to facilitate the relationship and therefore if their partner doesn’t put in the work, their mother can feel sidelined.

Fixed it!

(not talking about OP husband btw, he has clearly tried but it’s his mother’s choice in this case)

I had the same experience with my MIL. She never bothered her arse with her son (my husband) or granddaughter, but was a constant disapproving shadow because she wasn't adequately 'given her place'.
We made regular attempts at including her, but the bitterness remained (because her unhappiness was/is self made, as it generally is with bitter people, it wasn't actually anything we did/didn't do). I'd invite her over for dinner and such like so she could spend time with her granddaughter, and she'd spend the full time talking/moaning about trivial stuff, and largely ignoring our daughter (her stock reply to our daughter trying to show her pictures/trying to engage her was 'in a minute').
Honestly, if I were you, I'd ignore her baiting. And encourage your husband to give her a short, dismissive reply to the insta rant.

My daughter is almost 16 now, and is largely indifferent to her Gran (whilst being very close to my family). It's my MIL's own fault though. For me, relationships are built on the time, effort and emotion invested, not on your 'place' (I've never been one for accepting vindictive or poor behaviour just because it's family).
My husband has his own relationship with his Mum. I don't and have never got involved in that, but I avoid her entirely now. I don't invite her over (my husband doesn't either now), but if she does stop by out of the blue I'm always polite and say hello. I don't sit in her company though, I make an excuse to go out. It's such a relief to be able to do that now my daughter is older, ie avoid my MIL entirely, and not feel obliged to make the slightest effort with her.

You mean why do so many men sideline their mothers, leaving all the family arrangements to their wives to manage?

And that is before you acknowledge the differences in family circumstances and temperament. I find this kind of SM post mawkish and performative, others feel differently and each to his own, but its madness to assume a public post of this type won’t do the rounds of the family.

Ten minutes down the road is drop in distance, a two hour round trip is invitation/pre arrangement distance and that is before you consider any other differences which may arise.
Would I in my mid to late 60s be so keen to keep carving out a day to invite myself where the other grandmother had practically taken up residence and firm position as Grandma-in-chief? Not sure I would, it might well feel intrusive if the other grandmother is there pretty much every day and on the phone constantly.

Moving house when the pregnancy test shows positive is quite extreme - presumably the OP is an only child with no siblings and other potential DGC for her parents to consider. The OP seems to regard the MiL as choosing to remain distant for not moving house but the MiL has other family to consider as well.

Its also important that older people build and maintain their own social relationships locally (unless you want to be the default DC for every problem - perhaps the OP expects the parents to ultimately move in with them).

Barring emergencies, time taken out from work or daily life to spend with grandchildren should be for mutual joy rather than to provide unpaid childcare and home helping.