MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

I cannot bear gushy social media posts, but you do you. That aside. I think you are being unreasonable and you’ve put your MIL in a position where she cannot possibly compete.

For context, I had a brilliant relationship with my grandparents, who I adored. None of them provided childcare, nor had me to stay for weekends “to give my parents a break”, they never took me to school or to classes, nor called on the phone to chat to me as a child, I didn’t chat to anyone on the phone as a child. I adored them just because they were my grandparents and my parents had made the effort to facilitate a relationship. I enjoyed going to visit them at their house because it was different to my own. They didn’t have toys, we sat on the sofa and chatted, or watched TV (countdown, daytime soaps mostly), I got to see old photo albums of my parents as children. I got tea and fussy biscuits instead of the squash and usual child food I got at home. Some might consider that all boring and not child-friendly, but my parents, and me (and my siblings) were meeting them at their level because they were older.

In your situation, your mother is acting as an extra parent to your children. Your MIL doesn’t want to “parent” she wants a more traditional grandparent relationship. She’s been sidelined for not being willing to babysit or help with other care.
I suspect her lack of will to drive to you is not so much about the journey as about not feeling comfortable or welcome when she arrives because your whole family dynamic doesn’t include her.

There’s a big cultural difference, I see from your update post. She is never going to meet your expectations of what a grandmother should be. You and your DH/her son could still facilitate a good relationship with her for the person she is but you all have to be willing to accept you have different expectations.

And you know this how? Any real evidence?

Well if it consoles you my situation is very similar to OP's only the mother we're close to is his and the one harping on about not getting enough attention and yet doing nothing to help is my mother. So much of what OP writes is familiar; my mother claims to want to see the children but insists on me packing everyone up to go to her instead of her coming to us (even though she's completely fit and healthy and drives regularly and contentedly). Oh there are hosts of things I could say about her behaviour, whereas my MIL is an angel who's here all the time and I love her.

So be a good, kind, loving MIL who respects and is nice to your DIL and make an effort with the children and all will be well.

It really isn't. (and this attitude is where the problem lies)

You are a family. Your children have grandparents.
Children barely know whether their grandparents are mummy or daddy’s parents. They are just other adults that they love.

Act as, adults (both parents), with good communication and inclusion, Expect that your children treat their grandparents the same, modelled by the adults.

In this case, does the OP’s DH have no communication with his MIL - I very much doubt it given the level of involvement.

Offer to meet/day out, invite kids to house for lunch, take them to the park - grandparents are also full grown adults who can do this sort of thing. It doesnt need an invite from the mother.

My MIL was like this. I tied myself up in knots trying to give her all the opportunities to see my kids.

I’ve long since dropped the rope. Big relief. And no, her behaviour hasn’t changed. Tells everyone how much she loves being a grandma and does absolutely nothing whatsoever to demonstrate that. Still moans about not seeing them. I just ignore her.

Stop trying to appease her. She won’t change. Her relationship.. or not… with her grandkids is on her.

I’m not on insta but when I hear things like this I cringe so badly!!! Try to tame your emotional incontinence.

You have a very intense relationship with your parents OP and you have acknowledged this is different from most British grandparent relationships.

Did your MiL visit before your parents moved nearby?

Have you considered that your MIL may feel she can’t get a look in?

I agree that coming to yours isn’t about the distance, I think it may be because She may feel quite smothered by them ?
If she came to yours, would your parents be over? Or would she get any one in one time with you, her DS and her grandchildren, in her own way?

Just a thought, if you wanted to encourage her.

I wonder what your MILs MIL was like when MIL had babies. I wonder if she did all the running she expects you to. She certainly hasn't considered the cultural differences so may feel like she's on the back foot. She sounds a bit like my mum who sometimes just doesn't make the connection between behaviour and consequences. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but try and understand where she's coming from.

Just reply “we’re both sorry you feel that way. You have an open invitation to see the DC whenever you want - you’ll always be welcome to come round” because you know perfectly well she won’t but she can’t then complain about being excluded…

you and DM sound unhealthily enmeshed though. I don’t even speak to my DH three times a day when we’re apart!

Exactly. The only reason is that you want others to see it.

Your DH needs to reply it’s up to @Conversationalcheddar what she posts on social media but for the record Mum you have made it clear you have raised your children and you aren’t raising ours and take very limited interest in our life unless even when we have tried to include you. However @Conversationalcheddar is very different and very supportive. You haven’t been sidelined at all you’ve just made different choices.

You say she doesn’t mind driving a similar distance to see her sister. So what is the difference? For instance, is she worried about the drive to you for some reason, e.g. it involves motorway driving or big junctions and she’s nervous about that?

Do you invite her for specific days, e.g. "We'd all love to see you - how about you coming over for the day next Saturday or Sunday?" and if so what does she say?

Given the extreme level of your DM's involvement, which you say is normal in your culture but tbh is not usual here (and would drive me mad), your MIL is right really to say she can’t compete, isn’t she. So she needs a different role. Is there a special thing she could do with the children regularly?

It’s really up to your DH as well as you to facilitate this, but I think you’re being over-sensitive about her not phoning to speak to the children (at their age? And does she even know you would like her to?) and the "I'm not going to bring up your children" remark - that just sounds like an off-the-cuff joke to me.

I feel for the MIL as my aunt has been in this position. Her DIL totally sidelined her in favour of her own mother. The DIL’s husband (my cousin) ended up leaving his wife because he was sick of endlessly being told how to parent his own kids by his MIL, and he was heartily sick of the expectation that his MIL would go on holiday with them every time. He feels his much more able to be a father to us kids now and is far happier for it.

The instagram post was immature. I don’t like all that, op can just thank her mum - why post?

@Lollylavender "How can you build that relationship when you’re not invited?"
If you read the OP's posts, you will see that they invite her to lots of things but she declines.

It’s so draining trying to involve someone who just won’t respond positively to your overtures. Eventually it’s inevitable that you stop making them because responses like these give the strong impression that the other person finds them (or you) annoying, as Cheddar says.

You say elsewhere that your DH thinks she’s fishing for drama- does she have form for that? If so I agree that the only thing to do is ignore it. Someone else suggested he say to her, ok so what would you like to change? How would you like to be more involved? Put the onus on her to come up with ideas- but without offering her any emotion or drama or blame. If she can only suggest that you spend whole days travelling to see her rather than her doing the travelling, and have birthday parties an hour away from your children’s homes, well she’s living in cloud cuckoo land, isn’t she?

OP didn’t admonish her MiL. She showed immense gratitude to her DM. I’m not one for these kind of SM posts but she hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not on OP to be trying to pull blood from a stone with MIL and trying to make something work. MIL and DH could be doing some of that. When saying it’s too far to drive she could be asking to meet in the middle. MIL most likely feels that she has been outed as not being involved which is what she’s probably really upset about when nobody else reading outside the family would likely read that far into it. Not sure why SIL or whoever shared it unless they were stirring or MIL has been feeding people the story that she’s excluded.

@Blasterplaster It's not the same situation at all. The OP hasn't sidelined her mil; the mil seems to have done that herself.

Are you not worried your own mother isn’t enjoying her retirement as she is always on hand for you? I wouldn’t want to call someone three times a day, that’s so tying. Nice to know she is there when you need her but she needs a life too surely?

Why do so many women sideline their MILs in favour of their own mothers? Maybe it’s biological?

Reminds me of the saying ‘a daughter is for life while a son is only a son until he meets his wife’

Shouldn't those questions be aimed at her husband? Considering it's his Mother.

Apart from anything else, if I was planning to choose and buy a new car, I would not appreciate my daughter in law telling me to get one big enough to cater for the grandchildren I 'might' take in the car a couple of times a year, and I certainly would not want ugly, bulky car seats as a permanent fixture!

My MIl was similar. Told us all the time she had raised her kids and wasn’t her job to help us. (She was in her forties when we had our first, so it wasn’t going to be exhausting for her). Anyway eldest ended up being severely disabled and we moved close to my parents - who helped enormously despite both still working full time for many years. We all (esp the kids) benefitted from that help given ds’s disabilities but she still kept saying it wasn’t her job to do anything.

tbf she was a lot better in teen years onwards when kids needed conversation rather than looking after (except eldest).

But yeah there was some jealousy at us moving to be near my parents but I think that died down a bit when she realised just how much they did. My mum in particular was like yours and was always wanting to be hands on with the kids - couldn’t have kept her away if I tried.

Maybe MIL doesn’t like to drive, maybe there are health issues, we’re only getting the op’s one sided story here