MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

I don't think she actually cares all that much. She just wants the public acknowledgement. It's all very performative, isn't it?

I suppose you could send her a message to say that she's welcome over anytime (or a specific time if that's better suited to her), but I don't like the in law dynamics going on here. DH's sister showing her the IG post in the first place is off - what was her motivation, unless to stir the pot? And your MIL's accusations are all aimed at undermining you and painting you to be the bad guy, when you saud yourself she isn't interested and makes no effort whatsoever.

She's just had her ego bruised. Ignore and carry on as you were. If she wanted to be more involved, she would.

Quite astonishing how many posters either don’t read the op’s posts or simply don’t have comprehension skills.

The mil won’t drive to visit (although happily drives the same distance to visit her sister weekly).
Mil said she raised her own dc and won’t be raising theirs.
Doesnt have social media, sil showed her the message that she took umbrage at.
Has phoned her own son twice in the past year - he has phoned her every other time.
Mil never asks about the gc. When sent photos she either ignores, goes awww, or messages op’s dh. Never op.
Was invited to hc’s third birthday party but didn’t come . (Has to drive)

Want more? Read the op’s posts.

your mil is ridiculous. And your husband can also be more involved in pulling her into the fold if he wants. Dont waste too much energy thinking about this problem that is totally not your fault!

It isn't about not reading the OP’s post, it is about the OP understanding why the relationship is failing and asking more.

The answers from her MIL provide a next step.

For instance, the answer to why MIL doesn't visit could range from ‘I feel like an outsider because your mum is always there’, to ‘I can't afford the fuel’ (I'm making those answers up).
The next step though, would also range from arranging times when mother isn't present to meeting half way/visiting her more to support the financials.

Asking more helps the OP and her DH to understand and address.

(and if the conversation results in ‘I am not that interested in my grandchildren’ then the OP can move on with a clear next step too)

She might be lovely but she clearly has some mental health issues.

Does your child see their cousin?

Yes I would also want to know why your DH sister showed her the post too. I would want an clear answer on this.

@Theretogreet yes I agree with you, but so many pp are off on a tangent - never mind offering solutions like meeting halfway (think the op has suggested this but it was not accepted).

Why do you assume your MIL's time is yours to commandeer just because she is retired? I'm retired and I don't spend any time at all with small children.

Why is this on the op? There’s 2 parents. There is nothing stopping her dh doing this for his mum, in the same way as op does it for her mum

how many times do we go on and on about the mental load dumped on owmen and wives. Including managing dh or male partners family emotional labour.

if she’s a brilliant grandma in dhs eyes, he can bloody well tell his own mum with instagram, public announcements and an aeroplane with banner in sky. He didn’t. I suspect becuase like a lot of men he can’t be bothered nurturing his relationship with his mum either. Hence why the mil feels left out. It’s her son that’s leaving her out.

Sounds like a weird dynamic between you all. Why is your sil screenshotting your post to share with mil? It’s the kind of thing that people who don’t like you do. The type that are laughing about you in group chats etc.

What would your reaction be if your mil called multiple times a day-to-day speak to the kids? If she wanted to round your house all the time?
Would it warm your heart or would you think she was massively over the top and moan about her?

OP hasn't assumed that her MIL's time is hers to commandeer just because she is retired, The opposite in fact. OP has no expectations of any help or support from her MIL. It's MIL who has been told about OP's Instagram post about her own mum and who has taken massive offence.

What has you being retired and not spending any time with small children got to do with anything? Are you saying that you are a grandmother who doesn't bother with her grandchildren but your DIL would still post a glowing testimonial about you on social media?

I would love to hear the MIL’s views on this!

We’re hearing only one side of the story

Just speaking very generally, I think it is quite difficult for mils in situations like this bc if the mil had constantly offered to take the kids at the weekend, tried to be at op’s house all of the time, called every day, sometimes multiple times a day, then she probably would be accused of being domineering and intrusive!

I only have adult DDs so I hope I will automatically be welcomed in to my dds’ homes when they are at the age to start a family, but I can see it would be very difficult to try and gauge how much I was wanted if I had had sons instead. Out of respect I would stand back a bit and wait to be invited.

Edited: slightly different if invited multiple times and the mil doesn’t accept the invitations!

Not defending this particular MIL, but until you’re in this type of relationship, you don’t know how hard it is. It’s a bit like being a stepmother, you’re either seen as over-involved (don’t interfere, they’re not your child) or uninterested (why don’t you do more?).As a mother of sons with partners and DGC, getting the balance right is very tricky, especially when the DIL is close to her own parents. Often it can be their proximity or work status (retired v still working), whether or not they are caring for other relatives etc or just that they feel more comfortable around their own family. It’s difficult not to feel pushed out then and “step back”, consciously or unconsciously

I have a couple of adult sons. One engaged. One with partner. no kids
theyre very different. Younger one will call me, whatapp etc. older one much less so. But being men both aren’t exactly on phone all the time. Younger one I speak to probably every 10 days, and he calls me just as much as I call him. Older one rarely calls me- If I try to call randomly he’ll mostly not answer, so I have to whatapp “free for chat?” And he’ll tell me when in next 48 hours. Difference betweeen two is social life and work life. Younger has always been work form home, bit of introvert older one is social butterfly, works in central London and works long hours
I know when both of them marry, and if they have kids, this won’t change. I know they do care about me, we get on well, they share stuff with me, visit as often as is possible (given they also have to find time for their partners paretns and my exh and both live 200plus miles away). I know their partners will probably be much closer to their parents, spend more time with them and any kids will probably be closer to her parents than me.

yep, it makes me sad, but that is reality for many mums of boys, and certainly the reality of when those men live further away so you can’t just pop round. It was the same with both my brothers, I was always closer to my parents and my mum was closer as grandma than my MIL. and yes we did love long distances form BOTH sets of grandparents.

as I said earlier this is on dh and his mum. Parents. Whatever. Not you. The question here is, after he left home how often did he visit his parents before kids came along, how often did his mum visit him, how often did they phone each other? How often did they talk. If they weren’t close, your MIL is probably reacting to all that, the sadness that comes with lack of closeness to son. She’s not going to tell son that as a demand he sees her more often, calls her risks him going off on a “she’s needy/emotional/manipulative/hysterical label which is so often applied to mothers who just want t more contact with their kids, and get upset by distant realtionship

i suspect this is what is happening. She doesn’t want to be burdened with looking after small kids (which is true of many women as grandmothers) but it means she sees even less of her son (as they come as package now). He doesn’t recognise her importance to him. She won’t criticise he I’m, so she is laying it on you

I’d be putting this firmly on dh. He has choice to keep dismissing his mum, and stuff will only get worse as pain for her being rejected increases. Or HE makes effort to involve her more. In his time. If needs be on his own …a quick visit once per month by himself…jeez it’s only an hour. I do a 5 hour round trip drive once every 6-8 weeks to see my son .he can take share photos, call her and do all things you do to keep your parents updated with your kids life.

or he can continue to dismiss your mum, and not reach out to understand why she’s so hurt. But this is on him. Not you.

I think DH needs to have a 121 conversation with his Mum. She is giving very mixed messages.

Maybe what she means is she'll happily do occasional overnights but doesn't want to be tied to all day childcare every week.

You also need to speak about the driving situation, is it motorways she avoids or is it driving in the dark.
I know some drivers who avoid motorways and a fair few both young and old who avoid driving in the dark, esp with the modern headlights coming towards you that can be blinding.

I think it might be better as a visit and a conversation rather than a text message or phone call.

Let me guess Christmas also revolved around your family and little time for his family?

I think as an adult he should probably also take some interest in his elderly grandparents.

"Dear MIL, you can't be arsed with our children. I will acknowledge that in a post if you'd like. Hugs ❤️❤️❤️"

I read op’s post but different families have different expectations about involvement when children appear on the scene.

I am in my sixties and I’m confident and good with babies and young children but some of my friends don’t want to be involved with babies and infants a second time around and are much better older children and with teens.

Some grandparents are introverted and need more peace and some are high energy and love the bustle of family life.

Some are in good health and have a healthy spouse or partner. Some are ill themselves or have caring responsibilities.

Some were brought up more formally and would be very wary of intruding or imposing themselves on their dil, whereas another would get stuck in without thinking about it and would risk being accused of being over-bearing!

Personally I would tread very carefully if the other grandmother was always there. It’s not exactly easy to have to keep asking your dil when her mother is leaving?

I find it much more difficult to pick up new driving routes now I am older.

And although I am on social media, I think it’s much easier to leave a few likes on a photo than go to town, choose a toy, wrap it up and post it. It’s not nothing anyway.

Obviously the mil in op’s case should not have been agressive when expressing her views, and it’s debatable whether she should have weighed in in the first place, but the “I cannot compete” comment indicates that there isn’t a lot of room for her at op’s house I would say.

I would be interested to know what your dh’s take on this is op.

I did, yes thank you. And I quoted OP too, which was the basis of the point I wanted to make and still stand by. OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. We are unlikely to all agree on here and OP is perfectly capable of speaking up for herself if she needs to. That’s the way it works on here.

Be a doormat?

You keep saying this. Do you ask for the other side of the story on every post you read on here?

Which is fine. But when the other grandparent does a lot and is thanked for it, then you can't expect the same thanks. My sister is slightly envious of the bond between me and my grandchildren. I try to include her, but she likes to jump on bandwagons and go on marches. That's great, but then don't complain that the relationship you have with the children in the family isn't good enough. Children work out quite quickly who is there for them. Stay away all you want, but myob when is comes to other people's exchanges.

‘DW posted gratitude for her mum because she helps a lot with the kids. I’d happily post something for you mum, but me and the kids don’t see or hear much from you so what is there to say’?.