MIL not putting in effort and then complaining she feels “left out”.

[Conversationalcheddar]

We have two small dc, 3 and 7mo. From the start my mum has been by my side helping with the kids, having older dc over night when I went into labour, offering to take kids at the weekend to give us a break, and LOVES time with the grandchildren. She would be here all the time if she could. She calls every day, sometimes multiple times a day, to talk to dc. I’m so grateful, her attention to the kids warms my heart. Both dc adore her.

MIL isn’t really involved. She sends Christmas and birthday presents. She has met younger dc twice and sees older dc maybe 2-3 times a year. But we always have to go to her, she won’t come to us because she “doesn’t like driving” but will drive the same distance to her sister’s every week. Even just after younger dc was born, she asked us to come to her to meet dc. She doesn’t call. She never asks after the kids.

Without thinking, I Made a soppy post on instagram about how much I appreciate my mum and everything she’s done for me in 2025. My mum has instagram and i wanted to make a public acknowledgment of everything she’s done (I also bought her a very thoughtful Christmas gift and am planning something big for Mother’s Day). But MIL saw it (she doesn’t have instagram but her adult dd does so I’m guessing adult dd showed her). She has sent dh a long and aggressive message about how she feels left out and about how unfair it is and how unappreciated she feels. She said she feels like she “can’t compete”. She. Is. Not. Involved. She chooses to not make an effort. I said to dh, even if she just called once a week to speak to the kids, that would be amazing but she just doesn’t. And now she’s annoyed at not receiving acknowledgement for something she doesn’t do. Now, I appreciate I probably shouldn’t have made the instagram post (maybe) but honestly, I didn’t even think about her when making it. Again, because she includes herself so little in our lives that how it reflected on her didn’t even cross my mind.

AIBU for acknowledging my very involved mother and not including MIL in a token way? I appreciate it would have cost nothing to just throw in a token “and we are grateful for MIL too” as well, even if it wasn’t true.

YANBU, someone who doesn’t make an effort cannot expect to be thanked for being involved.

You’re the one who seems to equate distance as a necessity for a relationship. I was responding to the point you made. At no point did I say a grandparent needs to be move so not sure why you’re fixating on that.

The mindset of not wanting to unpaid childcare sets the boundaries of how the the relationship will be, according to grandparents. Deciding that they will only help in emergencies, whatever the distance, shows that the grandparent expects to be hands off and not very involved. That is their prerogative but the consequence to that the relationship will be very different to one where the grandparents are involved.

But that's true, isn't it?

I wouldn't cope with your mother's level of involvement (as a GM) but if it suits the both of you (and your DH is ok with it) then crack on

I understand your MiL's reluctance to drive and being the distance away she is will also have an impact. Is her husband still alive? Can they come together?

And I also wouldn't be facetiming the children - I really don't do it (or Zoom or Teams or anything else involving video) so maybe accept her differences

Why hasn't your husband spoken to his father about not knowing his paternal grandparents?

And for the record, before we moved to be closer to my parents, my parents lived 1.5 hours away and were still massively helpful and involved, including helping with childcare and giving us a break when need be. That was very possible without anyone needing to move.

It's very insensitive of you to thank your mother on social media. Akin to offering condolances over social media.
People can read all sorts of things into why they are not thanked for things by you.
It seems quite attention seeking; almost making a point of announcing to all that your MIL doesn't help to the same extent.

No-one's efforts and contributions are ever exactly the same but family members are equally loved and valued.
That is the unspoken belief that has unsettled MIL. She now feels like she is in a competition.
Her son needs to increase his communication. Your DH should be taking his children over to see his mother every fortnight so that the children are comfortable with MIL.

It is unusual for a Grandmother to be as involved as your mother is. You are lucky to have her help but it is okay to not be like your mother.

I wouldn't have been able to do that drive when I was the GM's age.

Not everyone can

Is she maybe put off from visiting because she thinks your mother will be there? I can see this being the reason if you all come as a bundle and she has to compete.

There could be an awful lot of reasons why she won't drive

I feel like this is all getting a bit overcomplicated – social media use and cultural differences need to take a backseat.

MIL’s emotions are displaying as apparent jealousy, but really these emotions are triggered by shame and defensiveness at something she thinks she should be that she isn’t.

Her shame is ‘I know I’m not showing up the way a grandmother ‘should’.’ Her defensiveness: ‘instead of changing my behaviour, I’ll externalise this discomfort as unfairness.’

People often lash out when confronted with a mirror they didn’t ask for, and they’ll react in one of two ways: change value to align with the values (which is difficult) or attack the trigger and reframe themselves as victims (easier).

None of this involves her saying she wished she could be more involved, she’s sorry she hasn’t made the effort or asking what she could do differently. Accountability would force her to sit with the shame. Anger lets her off the hook.

The ‘can’t compete’ line is especially revealing. She’s framing grandmotherhood as a competition, not a relationship. That signals that she sees involvement as performance, not connection. She wants status without investment, and that she’s measuring herself against your mum instead of against her own values. She wants the identity, not the experience.

Her anger isn’t saying ‘I want to be closer’.
It’s saying ‘I don’t want to feel bad about my choices.’ And that’s a problem only she can solve.

I think your DH needs to respond in a way that doesn’t escalate, doesn’t soothe her out of accountability and doesn’t triangulate you into the conflict.

‘I can see that the post brought up some difficult feelings for you. It wasn’t intended as a comparison or a slight, and it wasn’t meant to exclude anyone. It was simply an expression of gratitude in the moment.
We’re not trying to rank or compete relationships. Everyone’s involvement looks different, and that’s okay. I’d appreciate it if we could move on from this without it becoming a bigger issue.’

WTF? Roads run both ways and she happily drives the same distance to see other relatives weekly. She's been invited many times; she refuses to drive to them.

But she does. Regularly. To see other relatives.

Well if you'd rather have anxious drivers driving at night or on motorways then you need to think a bit harder

I am absolutely fine driving locally and in the day, but I won't do motorways and I can't drive at night.

Depends on the type of roads to the two destinations.

I have noticed with MIL posts, that they usually centre around something the MIL has said.
I put myself in the place of the MIL and ask myself what would make me say that.
Usually it would be a situation where `I feel extremely upset/annoyed about something that's happened previously.
Perhaps something has happened to make MIL extremely upset; she's been biting her lip, as MILs do. Finally she snaps, and says something to reveal her upset.
Her comment is then posted publicly on MN, to be followwd by cries of 'What a cow'; go NC, Is she senile? etc.
Don't most people occasionally say something they don't fully mean when upset? Does it normally get posted onliine?

My parents are British and very much support us (DH, DC x 2 and myself) so I don’t agree it’s a cultural thing it’s that your parents (and mine) LOVE us and want to be involved in our children’s lives! They say that grandparents who are involved were parents who enjoyed raising their children. Grandparents who are disinterested and not involved did not enjoy raising children and are emotionally unavailable.

Your MIL is annoyed that (in her mind) she has been publicly “shamed” for not being involved in your children’s lives. Which is NOT what you did with your post about your mum. This is her issue and not yours to fix. I would however recommend removing your SIL from your social media so she can’t run back to her mum and cause drama whenever you post something that they may deem as unfair or unacceptable 🙄
YNBU to have posted about how supportive your mother has been to you. You were acknowledging everything your mother does. If your MIL takes offence then it is up to her to put in more effort.

I would suggest your DH responds to his mother “I am sorry you feel upset by Cheddars post, however she hasn’t done anything wrong by acknowledging the help and support her mother has provided. There was no malice in it or anything that was aimed at you. If you feel a certain way because of the amount of involvement Cheddars parents have in our lives then I suggest you identify why you feel that way and communicate with us. You are also welcome to come and see us, call us, ask for photos ect at any time. We would love for you to be more involved with the kids. We have tried to include you in the children’s lives but have been met with resistance so I am unsure why you have taken so much offence at a social media post that you wouldn’t have been able to see as you have no social media.”
MIL then needs to communicate what exactly she expects.

You haven’t done anything wrong and I am glad you have wonderful parents who take an active role in your children’s lives 🥰

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum and you are allowed to celebrate her and appreciate her however you like. Your MIL isn't your burden, she's not your responsibility and you don't owe her anything.

My in laws are the same. The roads only go one way and there is complete disinterest in DD unless we have travelled the 4-5 hours to get there. They haven’t bought her a birthday or Xmas present in 12+ years. I don’t bother with them anymore, and hell would freeze before I thanked them publicly for anything.

And if you didn't have a reciprocal relationship with her would you expect her to keep buzzing around you and infinitely trying to get you be involved? Would you be that much of a narcissist?

Classic case of someone wanting the rewards of relationship without doing the work of relationship. I would let your husband send her a simple message saying your social media post was a thank you to your mum and that's the end of it. You have no need at all to justify your post to your MIL. I personally wouldn't get into any convos with her about her lack of involvement. Let her show you or not whether she wants to be more involved.

I have a sister who complains about not being included or involved, but also makes no effort. My read of it is that she likes the idea of being a loving involved auntie, but doesn’t like any interruptions to her normal lifestyle and doesn’t really enjoy the kids.

So we occasionally get these kind of complaints that I’m excluding her/keeping her from having time with the kids.

I tend to respond with variations of “Ok, I hear that you’d like to be more involved. What would that look like for you?” and then try to listen curiously to what it is she wants. Then respond factually and calmly to whatever that is - she’s a difficult woman who creates a lot of drama and complains to our parents about me, so I like to keep everything calm.

So, if your mil wants to see the children more - remind her she’s welcome to come over, but with two young kids and both working you don’t have time to come to her often.

She doesn’t like driving - remind her it’s the same distance as the drive she does to her sister, ask if something about the route is difficult, suggest she looks at alternative routes or public transport. But remind her that it’s not realistic for you to bring the kids to her, so if she doesn’t want to come to you she’s welcome to FaceTime the kids.

If she wants more regular updates/photos? Remind her you were sending them but she rarely replies, so you thought she wasn’t that interested, but if she is interested then you can start sending them again (assuming you are ok doing this!).

Basically try to be curious rather than offended or angry - what is it she actually wants? And then be calm but hold firm to your boundaries in your responses. Don’t take on responsibility for giving her more time with your kids, but do be open to her suggestions for how that could work.

Odds are nothing will actually change - but then at least next time she complains you can remind her you have given her options/suggestions before, so it’s down to her what she does.

It doesn't mean the grandparents don't want to be involved and want to be hands off. It means the grandparents do not want to be treated as unpaid childcare with a contractual type of arrangement about when that care will be provided.

Our parents didn't provide childcare and weren't in and out of our house on a daily basis, albeit the closest was two hours away. The children nevertheless had good relationships with both sets of grandparents because there was mutual love and no obligation or expectation. We were financially and emotionally independent as parents and as such our children were secure and we were able to provide for their care and their needs.

Our children are independent and competent. If my dd needed me hovering over her needing daily help as she became an experienced mother, it would be a pretty poor show. I have confidence in her and in her abilities. If her baby/infant/child was unwell and she had to go to work and the child couldn't go to childcare or childcare couldn't come, I'd help like a shot.

Relationships are different, our grandchildren's school fees are guaranteed. None born yet.

Perhaps you should read the OP's updates. She has tried many times to involve her MIL, but the MIL isn't interested in making an effort.

This GM has already made it clear that she does not want to be involved. She doesn't need to be 'hovering' over the OP or providing 'unpaid childcare' (why use a phrase so obviously briming with resentment?). There are plenty of other ways to be involved in her grandchildren's lives. It is her choice not to be. It is the OP's choice to value and praise her own mother if she wants to. It is also the OP and her DH's choice about how much effort they make now and in the future. Relationships need mutual effort over long periods of time.

Not defending her in any way but when you say she doesn't like driving to yours but drives to her sisters once a week then same distance, are the road types different? Does she have to come on motorway to yours and maybe doesn't like driving on the motorway...?

Kindly op, she doesn’t sound like a decent person. One estranged child and grandchild and this whole drama of being applauded doing sweet nothing is enough to show you she’s not. Her comment on she’s not raising your kids too shows how selfish she is. She clearly doesn’t like that being illuminated in the public eye.