To think it was my curry?!

[Lolabear38]

Bit of background - we’ve had guests staying with us for the last 5 days. During that time I’ve cooked and paid for 90% of the meals and cleared everything away. There’s been large meals (they’re big eaters), snacks, puddings, alcohol etc. Relevant just to show I’m not (or at least I don’t think I am) being tight I suppose.

Last night we ordered an Indian take away (I couldn’t face cooking for us all again). We all ordered a curry and rice each, and a variety of sides. For no particular reason I didn’t eat all of my main meal, everyone else finished all theirs. We all had roughly the same amount of the sides. I got my curry and put it in the fridge.

Today we went for a pub lunch so when it came to dinner in the evening I said it was leftovers from the last couple of days and put out everything/ cooked up a few bits and pieces that needed eating. Everyone helped themselves and as they were eating I heated up my curry. DH’s friend, with a plate full of food already, suddenly said ‘oh I didn’t realise there was curry on offer! I’ll have that’. Somewhat put out I said ‘this is actually the curry I ordered last night and kept what was left, I thought I’d finish it tonight’. He replied with ‘But we can all share it can’t we? Leftovers are all fair game’. I kind of laughed it off and when the curry was warmed through I quickly put it on my plate and just sat down to eat - I’m talking maybe 1/2 of a regular portion of curry was left? He looked at me, raised his eyebrows and said ‘I guess Lola doesn’t share food, hey?’

Who is BU?

YABU - leftover curry belongs to anyone who wants to eat it, whether they ordered it or not, stop being so weird.

YANBU - you ordered that curry. Everyone else ordered their own and ate it all. The leftovers of your curry belong to you.

We split the cost of the take away fairly between us all, if that matters.

Your husband doesn't know where everything goes in his own kitchen? 👀

Ah OK, I read it as it was leftovers from all the sides youd ordered plus a few extra bits youd cooked up. In that case then I think it's totally fine for you to say you'll just finish your meal from the night before.

Yes I see your point. I suppose my thinking was it was a very informal ‘meal’ - a hodgepodge of leftovers with some party food bits I’d bought and cooked up that people could come and help themselves to. We’d already eaten a good pub lunch that day. The curry wouldn’t have gone with any of the leftovers, so that, coupled with the fact that I considered it ‘my’ leftover curry, was the reason I didn’t think it was unreasonable at the time to eat it myself. It was only when DH friend made his comments that I began second guessing it!

If you’re a martyr - so am I OP - in that I’m a control freak who cannot stand anyone helping me in the kitchen.

I also like clearing up myself!

But if I’ve done all that for my dh and his guests I certainly wouldn’t expect one of them to challenge me over not sharing my half a portion of leftover curry.

I do wonder if he was quoting that Joey line from “Friends” as he sounds like the type!

Why does anyone have to help you in the kitchen, if it's your husband's turn to cook?

You just stay out and let him get on with it surely?

I agree with this.

I would have eaten it separately at a different time, not made food for everyone then served myself up something different while eating with them.

However, he was still a rude greedy bastard.

You weren’t wrong OP, I think your only mistake was maybe I’d have said “I’m
just going to have my leftover curry from last night” as The Greedy One probably didn’t release it was your personal leftover meal.

He was cheeky to say anything at all but probably felt embarrassed when he asked and you said no and felt he had to make a “funny” comment.

Don’t overthink it!

He does, yes. He lives here so of course he knows.

As i mentioned in a pp, after the meal he and his friends left the kitchen where I stayed and cleared up - my preference as it means I can quickly get on with it myself, doing it the way i want to, without either an audience or any ‘helpers’ to direct. There’s nothing to read into here - I’m perfectly happy with this arrangement and in many other aspects of our lives there are things that he takes responsibility for while I go off and do something different, too.

(Sorry if this comes across as defensive - I’m just pre-empting any posters who may be outraged at my husband going off with his friends while I stay in the kitchen clearing away. It’s fine).

You are indeed a martyr then with a lazy husband.

You're still going on about you don't need 'help'.

It's not help, it's him doing his job after you've done all the cooking.

You don't even need to be in the kitchen while he does his share.

But if you're happy with that, it's your marriage.

😂😂😂

Beyond cheeky, just fucking rude!

I could be wrong but I feel like some people are trying to stir something up that’s not here 😂

In my case - it’s never my husband’s turn to cook because I do it all. I don’t want to eat the food he cooks because I don’t like it. He and I both like my cooking, so I take charge of it. He has other things that he takes charge of - he cleans the bathrooms, he takes care of the vast majority of the clothes washing, I take care of the garden, I do the school runs because my job allows for it, he takes care of insurance and car maintenance* - we’re a team and we separate and delegate tasks according to our strengths and interests. It’s not that deep.

*This is not a comprehensive list - there are other tasks that he and I both contribute to and take care of.

My mum always lived by the rules that she would do everything in the kitchen on these occasions but the quid pro quo was that everyone else had to do what she said - help when needed, stop helping when it wasn't helping - and it made sense. She was also quick to remind that "I did the cooking" if anyone else had any opinions on anything to do with the meal and were foolhardy enough to question her judgement. I think most families were like that back in the day and there was a bit of respect and acknowledgement that food did not magically appear on the table - your guest could certainly do with a bit of it after you had been waiting on him for five days.

@DameOfThrones you’re seeing this from a very one dimensional viewpoint. If you care to, please see the comment I wrote immediately before this one listing what he and I both do in our marriage which lays out how I am neither a martyr nor is he lazy - we just set up tasks in our lives/ marriages that work for us.

Are you quite young? Maybe 20s or 30s.As you get older you will learn to see that guests( like fish) tend to go off after 3 days! They sound rude and rather boorish to me .If you stay with them I would expect to be cooked for(No offering to help in this instance ) And be treated to a meal out!

Yes, you listed mostly occasional jobs for him and every single day drudge jobs for you.

But like I said, it's your marriage so I'll butt out now.

I disagree and think it’s rude if you’re hosting to serve yourself a different meal to everybody else, even if it is something everybody else has already eaten the day before. I think she should have waited until the guests were gone to eat it. But obviously everybody’s idea on what does and doesn’t constitute good hosting differs, I think it’s rude, you think it’s fine and so I suppose there is no definitive answer. The OPs guest obviously found the behaviour rude/ unexpected as he commented on it and in the same situation I would have shared, but again there probably is no definitive right or wrong here and it’s clearly very subjective.

It’s peak Mumsnet (and I do love MN) - post an AIBU asking a specific question and some will instead pick apart some other completely unrelated comment you made and don’t have a problem with and insist you are “x/y/z”.

This will probably lead to “LTB” and “you’re in an abusive marriage” 😂

I do all the cooking and most clearing up same as you OP, I enjoy it and don’t want anyone in my way. Plus no one does it as well as me. If I said to my dh and dc’s “make us some food” or “clear up” they would in a heartbeat - I just don’t want them to.

People who share everything house-related down the middle: good for you! In our house we don’t bc I don’t want to. Not everyone is the same, what’s so hard to understand about that?

As OP points out - her dh does plenty of stuff that she doesn’t get involved in. That is the case in most relationships - people take on the stuff they are better at/enjoy more. I have friends who’s male DP’s do all the cooking etc bc they’re better at it and my female friends do the DIY.

It’s always that pesky insurance isn’t it. Such a fucking backbreaker to type a load of details into compare the meerkat. Once. 😆

i’m 45. The reason for the length of the stay is because they’ve travelled a long way to come and see us, and they’ve never visited this part of the country before, so wanted to have plenty of time to catch up and also see a bit of the area.

Having lived abroad for a number of years I’m well versed in having house guests and simply because of the places we’ve lived I’m also used to visits lasting a week or more. It’s the first time these particular guests have been to visit us though, and in this house.

How many of his friends stayed for 5 days?
Was does your DH think of his friends behaviour?

Ignore those posts saying you kept the best food back for yourself, that's ridiculous!
Everyone else ate all their curry the night before and you were perfectly entitled to eat the remainder of yours the following day without being harangued by this greedy oaf! If he'd have said that to me I'd have said that this is the remainder of my curry from last night, you ate yours yesterday. (Fuck off strongly implied).

You were obviously a very generous and hardworking hostess but I'm afraid that this can lead to people taking the piss which I think happened in this case.
It looks like they stuffed their faces throughout the 5 days and left you to do all the cooking and cleaning up which they should not have done.
Everyone should have helped at least with the cleaning up.
Your guests should at the very least have paid for the takeaway.

I think that it's really important at this stage to rethink whether or not you allow these free loaders ever to stay again and if so, to reassess the level of hosting you provide. If you maintain this level of hosting, they'll be chomping at the bit to return for more and you will be put upon by them again. You need to nip that in the bud now. In a nutshell, you were too generous with your money and efforts and these fuckers took advantage of you. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished!

God almighty people going off on a tangent and having a go at the OP about things that aren’t even relevant. Some people are just arses and like to have a pop at strangers online. I wouldn’t even bother responding to their waffle.
OP, You were perfectly fine to eat your left over curry. The others were having bits and pieces of leftovers which is no different. That bloke was just being grabby. Sod him.

He’s a rude cunt. Sadly it’s not unusual for men to feel entitled to anything that belongs to a woman, particularly food. I’m glad you didn’t cave in to him.

As a matter of interest, how much do you reckon it cost you to feed and water these free loaders?

Lovely language