To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

“Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal”

Perhaps so, OP, but the idea of the job in your head, and the reality of having to rush off to work, or be called out because one of your DC is unwell, or have to go into work in a day when they’re not at school (PD days vary from school to school) might mean that the actuality would be far more difficult than you are expecting. Is it actually the job you want, or is it a chance to meet other people? Perhaps look into what groups are available for parents with special needs children, and join one of them, so you can meet other parents in a similar position. I don’t think expecting your DH to go part-time is a particularly realistic solution, and working as well as raising young DC is never an easy option. My own DD had to go to work after a night spent in A and E, which she found tough (DH took a day’s leave to look after their LO) - the grass really isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence.

Perhaps get a weekend job just to get you out of the house and so your DH gets to experience the reality of caring for your DS solo and running the house.

It sounds very hard and I wouldn't do what you do, at any point of my own life.
However, apart from being unfair and mostly shit, life is about choices you make as an adult (at least in this part of the world).
It carries certain advantages to learn this as young as possible.
I wouldn't blame your husband in this case, it sounds his salary is keeping five people housed, clothed and warm.

Yes, sounds like the family is reliant on your husband working full time, but that shouldn't mean you're tied to home and have to do everything. As @MrsTerryPratchett said below, what about the weekends? I reckon you should get one day off at weekends when husband takes over with the kids, and he should be doing more on weekday evenings. If he worked flexibly and came home earlier, he could do another hour or two working from home later, but have been there to do teatime and bath time with the kids first, giving you a break.

Being realistic, you can’t actually force him to have the kids 50:50 if you separate. If he only wants a midweek night and every other weekend, there’s no legal route to force him to take them more than that.

If your hearing isn’t soon, have you requested an expedited hearing on the basis DS is out of education? Are you also appealing sections B&F?

When was DS 5? If it was last term, he is now compulsory school age, and under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. If he has turned 5 in the last couple days since the start of the year, this won’t apply until next term.

The LA is also still responsible for ensuring anything detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP is provided. Is there anything in there that isn’t being provided at the moment?

You can request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the disabled children’s team for DS. On their website, IPSEA has model letters you can use.

Also look at your local short breaks offer. Although this doesn’t always have anything suitable for some DC.

It’s also not helpful to ask him what he’d do if he had 50:50 childcare as some kind of kick start into seeing things your way. The reality is he’d just have to find a way (or not see them 50:50, as above) but he’s not going to be prepared in advance for a major life change like that. You will band your head against a brick wall because until it happens, he has no plans

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share you might find this thread and the previous ones useful OP.

Life is unfair. I don’t think splitting will make anything easier. I have my children full time that are all autistic, their father doesn’t see them at all, can’t force it, and I cannot work because my child isn’t in school, I receive no maintenance.

You need to change the parts of your life you have control over. That means using the 3.5 hours to find things that fulfill you, rather than spending it doing housework etc Dh will have to step up catching up later.

And/or using evenings and weekends to do something you enjoy, even better if this generates some money. The main thing is that you find fulfilment to give you the energy and ability to endure the rest of the week.

Talk to dh. Say you understand that he can’t give up work but things need to change before you crack. You need as much downtime as he does. Maybe one lie in each per weekend. No him sitting down whilst you beavering away at night.

And look at meeting up with other women in your situation. A problem shared is a problem halved. Just venting will relieve some of the pressure.

A flexible working request to finish early 2 afternoons a week and then work from home to make up the hours (depending on the industry/ role he is in) would be more feasible.

Then on those afternoons as soon as he is home you hand over to him fully, he can pick the kids up from school, tea, homework etc… one of the days and the other work as a team to get chores done.

Are the 3.5 hours your son is in school the same everyday? Then use that time for you - not housework/shopping. Find a exercise class you would enjoy, or a hobby, something like this https://www.englandnetball.co.uk/back-to-netball/

The situation overall is unfair. You both have a right to feel that. Being angry is easy. Being angry to the right extent for the right reason is often where the trouble arises. Your DH obviously cares by providing for the family so not sure why you resent him working FT? It’s work, not leisure.

Remember too life can be a case of careful what you wish for. Wilde put it that there are two tragedies. First not getting what you want the second is getting it.

You have it in your head if you could work PT you’d be happier and less isolated/stressed. Maybe you would but as working Mums will tell you it’s rough all over and then you have the challenge of doing all you do now (with help with DH of course in less time). Still worthwhile but don’t maybe idolise the life you imagine will follow. Likely be just a different set of challenges.

Also couldn’t quite understand chosen profession. If it’s adult company you crave and looking after DS (understandably) a challenge, why would looking after other people’s children and more of them be any better?

Real issue might be you desperately need a break. Time in the week to be you and decompress. Also time with friends. Whilst you wait for Tribunal work out a way you can get a short term intervention. Couple nights in a hotel even with DH taking A/L.

IME looking after other people's children is easier and you have the support of other staff in the room too. Many of the children don't have the complex needs my little boy does.
I know what it's like working part time, I did it when DS was at nursery because they were able to offer him full days so I'm not naive to the challenges but it was still easier. Of course now it's harder as school won't support a full day.
DH won't take A/L so I can have a night off that's never going to happen. He's also not going to come home from work and help with housework. That's my job because I'm at home (he did do more when I was working).
Some other questions working evenings and weekends isn't really possible because DH does do overtime sometimes and when I have suggested I work evenings DH is massively against it.
My older children are a lot older so no issues with school pick ups for them. Eldest works full time and middle DC is in college.
I do get tax credit and child benefit and DS gets higher level DLA.

I think you also need to be careful as while you say you have worked in schools/nurseries before, the challenges have changed and there is a good chance they would use your 'experience' and place you working 1:1 with a high needs child. This is what happened to someone I worked with. The school knew her situation and how she wanted work as a break to an extent, but still placed her with one of the children with the highest needs. There isn't always other people in the room (funding cuts) and where I work to cover lunches one person has to look after two high needs children in a room on her own.
The person I know now works as a cleaner as can pick her own hours and work around her son. Would this be an option?

The early years sector is currently in crisis due to lack of funding and poor pay resulting in so many well experienced and qualified practitioners leaving to do other jobs. It is no walk in the park.

To be fair to your dh. Currently he is the breadwinner and there is something to be said for a secure pensionable job . If he went 3 days and you got 2 at a preschool ( tends to me minimum wage) could you afford that. If he moved jobs and it didn't work out or he didn't pass his probation could you survive on savings for a few months while he looked for something new. ? Honestly I think the solution here is for you to look for a trusted childminder that your child is comfortable with and try that for a while first. It doesn't matter if all your income goes on childcare. You get a break and a change of scene and can decide if it's something you would like long term.

What childcare could OP use?

He can only manage 3 hours at school. At 5, he is too old for nursery and DLA isn't anywhere near enough to afford a nanny that specialises in SEN.

Early Years is one of toughest jobs. Have nothing but the utmost respect for practitioners but given funding cuts and also likely SEN children in groups do think it would not be easy either. Be me being daft but couldn’t work out why someone (understandably) struggling with 1 would want up to 30+ to ‘get a break’!?

Wondered OP could volunteering be an option? Just to get you out? You have 3.5 hours daily to do something different. That wouldn’t affect your benefits etc and when you worked in early years before was that when DS born? Tough starting again in Motherhood even without additional needs if other DC young adults.

Part of the resentment seems to be you deem DH at the minute gets it much easier. Work is work though and it’s a tricky narrative to go down as makes the contributions of the other person dismissed/devalued. Be good if you and DH could find a way to help you manage though until DS hopefully gets into special education setting.

This is a really sad and unfair situation. I do get why your DH doesn’t want to get a different job because if I was asked to quit the job I love, I’d be reluctant - it’s not easy to find a job you like!

With your salary, could you not afford someone to care for your son while you’re at work? Even if that means your additional salary doesn’t make you - as a family - financially better off?

Or can you take him each afternoon to an activity or group with other parents going through the same thing?

Having worked in early years before - I agree! But to me, it seems like OP is lonely. And it’s the adult interactions and friendships that she misses that she could get from work.

Yanbu. I'm in a similar situation. It wouldn't make sense for my dh to cut hours as he earns a lot more than me but I struggle with not having a proper job and career.

To be honest it sounds more like your DH doesn’t want to do the home stuff. Which ordinarily it’s work but you’re not in an ordinary situation and your mental health is suffering.

you need to make it clear to him that you can’t and won’t carry on as things are - something has to give. If you’re looking after the children, he needs to look after you.

If 'the state' was doing its job as it should ops dc would be in suitable full time education and social care would be supporting her to work if that's what she wants. It won't because it's cheaper to not support her or her dc appropriately and let other ignorant people think she's a benefit sponger.

How much money would you lose if your dh (for example) drops from 5 days to 3 days? And if you worked those two days how much could you earn in (using your example) a preschool? Do the numbers add up? That’s the first thing to consider- is it financially realistic?

My son was on a part time time table for 2 years, a joint choice between school and I and not one forced on me, but was the best choice for DS who was otherwise struggling to be in school at all while we awaited a named specialist.

He did 3.5 hours in, and in reality I didn't have 3.5 hours to do something for myself.

I had to get back from school, which only took 5 minutes, but when I had to go and collect him again, I had to set off sometimes up to 40-60 minutes early due to how fast the car park fills up and needing a space close to the entrance so that my eloping, slippery fish child didn't have to cross multiple rows of traffic in what is like the wild west of car parks, normal road rules aren't enforced and other parents aren't considerate of children like mine when they're flooring it to get out of the car park.

The time I had at home was often the only time I got to catch up on sleep or have a shower. There were so many days where I needed both, desperately and had to consistently choose one over the other. It was often the only time I could brush my teeth and my hair, or eat a full meal. Everything felt like I was rushing because I was. On top of that my medical appointments needed doing in this time, paperwork for EHCPs, DLA, my son's medical appointments etc all had to be done then because when he is at home it is all eyes on him.

I know people mean well to the OP by saying she should use this time for herself to do a hobby because on paper it sounds like she has a decent chunk of time but the reality of it when you're the primary carer to a part time, or school avoiding child is that the time you're not with them is still spent doing the necessary things for them, and then you have to choose which of your needs you prioritise and which you ignore.