To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

Do you have a childcare qualification? If you have why don't you get in touch with an agency and see what part time work they have. There's a huge demand for childcare staff and you may be able to get a couple of mornings a week.

Could your husband consider a flexible working request where he could extend his hours over a 9 day period and have the 10th day off, giving you a full day to yourself?

the issue is you’re not really getting any time out. Work is one thing but what do you do with your time when he’s at school now? Housework probably? You should reduce that as a sole burden on your and have dh do more of it in the evenings so that you can get out for a couple of hours every day and do something for your mental health - join a group, a yoga class, whatever gives you some regular time away from family life.

You’re looking to blame someone for the situation you’re in, You’re not wrong to feel cheated for the life you wanted, but you and your husband are stronger together.

At the moment, you can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, so that’s why you’re searching for something to make you happy.

Unfortunately, as PP have mentioned, your child could be in a special school and you could have your ideal job working in a different school, but you’re still likely to get those calls to pick up a poorly child, or medical appointments, or one of their schools are closed/inset day etc. Your husband will still expect you to be the default parent.

If you can, get a carers’ assessment done by social services. That will identify where you need support (LA may say they don’t have money) but it’s a starting point.

Eventually, you could get direct payments that could enable you to employ a personal assistant for your child, giving you time to do something for yourself.

Find out about local volunteer positions. I used to be a Face to Face volunteer befriender. My hours fitted around my child’s school and people understood when the sessions had to be cancelled at short notice. It also gave me a reference for when I got my school job. Anything like that on your CV makes you stand out.

Consider looking at an Open University degree. You can do that fully in your own time, at home, at your own timescale. You won’t start paying back funding for your tuition until you have a job paying over £28,000.

I know from experience how awfully challenging your life is, but if you can change the focus it may help.

I wish you luck.

Ps dh shouldbe working for ‘your pension’ not ‘his’ pension. Please do check what financial arrangements for later life are in place for to, given you aren’t earning and can’t save for retirement yourself.

alternatively you go to work and pay for private childcare of some sort for the remainder of the day for your child. That would give you extra freedom but not do much for your financial health either.

It’s a hard one to navigate if he’s not willing to flex.

My warning would be though that he is right about if you were to split- he could choose never to have the kids if he wanted to, nothing you could do and no court would ever be able to force him to do any actual parenting time, so you wouldn’t be any better off practically speaking by splitting up.

Sounds like a Wednesday where he comes in from work and does bath / bed / dinner is a takeaway - just a night off you have to look forward to would help?

Bless you this sounds hard, what time is your husband home in the evening? Maybe you could get an evening job a couple of evenings a week. I used to work at NEXT and there were a lot of 5-9 shifts. Same with m&s also maybe some bar work, would be great for your social life.

My DS was the same at that age the nursery couldn’t cope with him more than half a day and he couldn’t cope with the noise.

Separating won’t help - exH now only has DS EOW and refuses to have him holidays etc as he has to work (or spend it with his new dp). I work too but he conveniently ignores that. You can’t force the other parent to do the right thing.

Your child is 5 so now legally entitled to fulltime education which does not have to all be in school if that’s not appropriate. Look at alternative specialist providers. If you have EHCP you can ask for a personal budget to pay to make up the provision to full time. Look at Ipsea website. The council must provide full time education from age 5.

Get assessed by social care and get the appeal extended to cover this.

there will be groups of Sen parents (usually mums) in same situation which can help with the isolation. Otherwise claw back time evenings and weekends when your dh has sole responsibility. Book yourself into a hotel for a night or visit a friend. Sometimes you just need a really good sleep / break. It will get easier with full time education but you will never have the choice of career and childcare options other families have.

Your dh should be able to ask for flexible working eg so he could do drop offs or pick ups by changing work hours or work compressed hours. He doesn’t have to go parttime just work different hours if that’s possible in the job he does.

This. I believe you're legally entitled to a carer's assessment. As the previous poster says, you can get direct payments for a child. However, as they also correctly point out, any work can still be interrupted by calls from school. Thing is, direct payments could definitely help with some of the 'boring' tasks that are never ending.

Maybe also get yourself to the doctor so you have it on record that the 'informal care' position that you're being forced into by your LA and SS is having an impact on your mental health.

Alongside this, you might want to reach out to your local carers hub who can support you to navigate this.

It is lonely and isolating bringing up a child with significant additional needs - my son is now in his 30s.

My youngish retired friend works at Waitrose on similar shifts - says they treat staff well.

Unbelievable!

Could you actually afford for him to go part time? Would the job you get pay enough? Even if you split he doesn’t have to have them 50/50, or at all if he doesn’t want to.

Try and make sure you are claiming any carers benefits you are entitled to so you’ve got your own money.

I reported that post. Never mind being horrible, those services don't even exist or only in very extreme situations!

Have you tried to look for work in a specialist school yourself?

You and DS could each be there for 3 1/2 hours.
You would gain work mates and you could stipulate that your child is not in your room/class.
Even better would be a regular school that offers some specialist classes.

You could change to work at a kinder as your child gets older and more independent.

Is there a hobby or small business opportunity that you would enjoy doing for 3 hours per day?
Making cup cakes/birthday cakes.
Photographing and painting pets.
Growing and selling herbs or flowers or eggs.
Call centre work. (work from home)

So you could afford for your DH to go p/t without relying on the state?

Yes my DH would have gone part time in that situation

My god. Foster them out? Imagine.

Horrible?
i agree that the services in the past didn’t work

but I don’t believe the current system works either - it just dumps the load on the mother of severely disabled child. People rightly find it hard to understand how many women give up their lives to support disabled children, how little support there is if those children grow up powerful and violent, how women fear their own death because they are looking after disabled children in their 70s and beyond

women’s lives are sacrificed to the care of the disabled

Life is unfair but your DH is more unfair. Of course he doesn't want to rock the boat. This life suits him.

Tell me he at least takes over all weekend.

Yes I thought it was a horrible post. It was essentially suggesting getting rid of the child to someone/somewhere else.

All we know about him/her is he can only manage 3.5 hours in a mainstream primary. That's not extreme and when I was that age in the 70s, would have been mitigated by a later school start (kids used to start in Jan or April of reception if parents wanted). No doubt it'd be a whole day even now if the school had proper resources to support him. But they don't and the EHCP system is snarled up, so they're sending him/her home at lunch.

I agree that it's almost always mums who bear the burden, and that is wrong.

It is also wrong that the school's illegally excluding.

That doesn’t mean the kid should be ‘fostered out’ or sent to a full time boarding school. The comment was horrible

Do you claim dla for your child. Can you use that for childcare for him so that you can work

This - I don't think you should be threatening your DH with divorce or getting your child fostered - there is a lot of really crap advice on this thread and you should be careful!