To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

I know it’s not the area you want to work in but could you try a bit of work in a different sector, evenings or a weekend shift, to see how you get on, give you a reason to get out and meet new colleagues? I’ve been a retail manager for years, a lot of my teams did things like this - 8 or 12 hours a week part time, for a bit of income and a life outside the kids. Especially in large shopping centres or retail parks as they often open long hours so you have opportunities for things like a 5-9pm shift or a weekend “Saturday girl.” Always enjoy chatting to my customers and the teams are often such a good mix of ages and life stages - everyone from students to retired teachers in my team. Husband could try and finish early one day a week or take kids on a Saturday so he has a taste of what it’s like for you!

I really feel for you OP.

I was in a similar position to you in that I was forced to give up my teaching career when our 2nd DC was born and diagnosed with severe special needs. I think perhaps a lot of what is upsetting for you is that loss of identity. Its something I really struggled with - going from a respectable job to 'just' being a carer.

Sadly for me, things have not improved as eldest DC has also been diagnosed with very complex needs, and even 2 specialist placements have failed. She's now at home on an EOTAS package so I still dont get school hours in order to work or any 'me' time at all really for that matter.

I think for now there are really only 2 things that could improve your situation.

1. insist on some time for you on a weekend. Find a group/class/gym - or even just a walk to a coffee shop with a book. But LEAVE THE HOUSE. I agree with pp that your DH needs to experience sole care of your youngest on a regular basis.

2. DEFINITELY request and assessment from a disability social worker for DS and a carers assessment for yourself/DH. Be brutally honest. I had to have stern words with ours initially when she reported that I'd CHOSEN to be a SAHM. In our area at least the starting point for respite is 4 hours per week. Once this is in place make sure you use this time for YOU.

Lots of hugs and sympathy OP. Its hard for parents of non disabled children to understand- this isn't just parenting, its parenting ++ and you need and deserve support. Starting with from DH. Good luck x

Hi @Stressedoutmummyof3 my DS, a bit older than yours, is also at school part time and last year his current mainstream school's request for transfer to special school was completely mucked up by LA admin. Back to square one. DS also has higher rate DLA.
Other details of our lives are different from yours. I have different additional family responsibilities and have been a lone parent most of DSs life, at times working, currently not (due to care responsibilities and general knackeredness - we're not on Universal Credit in case anyone wonders).
The suggestion to do cleaning isn't daft. Or potentially anything you can control. At one time I did gardening, at another care support for adults. Even one or two clients a week could give you a little bit of mental respite and if you're doing something practical like cleaning or gardening your thoughts are your own and it can be helpful.
I have been a teacher and as a first step, in your shoes, I'd be wary of anything which will drain the same pool of energy.
I have a similar feeling of needing a little bit of my own adult life outside home, complex childcare and stressful family stuff. Unfortunately I can't see a way of making that work until DS is at school full time and settled.
I'm trying to think of something encouraging to say. I sometimes compare myself unfavorably to other people who are doing better or doing more. But what has come into my mind is a sad thing. I may be wrong to share it but I have remembered a disabled child, half a century ago, who was forcibly institutionalised against her mother's wishes, maybe aged 8 or 9, and it broke her and her mum. I'm glad I don't have to fight for DS to remain with me.
I really do hope you find some respite and relief somehow. It's tough and easy to feel isolated but you are not alone.

Can you consider studying with the OU to keep your CV up to date until your DS gets his placement?

Can you not work evenings / weekends for now until your DS gets a place at a specialised school?

I think this is part of the problem. 31/2 hours sounds loads but it really isn't. Have to factor in coming home from school and then going back again to pick up. Have to clean DS room and change his bedding daily because he poos and smears at night. Try to arrange medical appointments and do paperwork, try and get an online shopping slot for when he's at school because he'd try escape out of the front door if I did it while he was at home.
I know if I was working DH would do more because he did last time. I was working in a nursery when DS was younger (he went to the same nursery but in a different room) but they couldn't accommodate my hours when DS started school.
I'm not sure if I've given the impression DH earns loads but he doesn't. We were both on above minimum wage and earned pretty much exactly the same (think he was on about 10p an hour more) so we wouldn't be any worse off if we both went part time. But I can't do that because DH says he can't go part time.

Please contact your local Carer's Centre and ask for an Adult Carer's Support Plan assessment to be carried out as this will open up doors for support for you and your family.

What is??

YOur DH isn't lovely

If you packed a bag and left, said he could be a single parent then and you'll have them EOW since that was his go-to answer for you, his tune would change.

Maybe you need to do this. Actually leave the house. Tell him to sort it out like he's expecting you to. Tell him you'll be back in 2 weeks and then you will sit down and talk about fairness to both of you going forward.

Hi OP
You have every right to feel isolated and frustrated but your situation is typical of so many who have the lion's share of cc etc.
In fairness to your husband, he is providing for you all and him going PT may not be doable financially.
I have first hand experience of the unfairness of life (details spared) and I admit to having no experience of caring for a child with complex needs.
Would you working PT enable financial responsibility to be met?
Might it be easier if you considered postponing rtw for a while?
You acknowledge your husband is a good man and I totally understand why you feel he has it easier than you.
Please talk to each other and don't let this fester and drive you apart.
Looking after young children is isolating and monotonous without the additional challenges of a child with special needs.
I remember feeling very lonely and isolated when my son was a baby. I was a single parent and none of my friends had children.
I recall feeling slightly better when I visited playgroups etc.
Moment by moment and take care OP

He does 3.5 hours in main stream school so reasonably able so would only need a childminder/nanny/babysitter for 3 hours potentially only 2/3 days a week just so op can get out the house the dla will cover that

How would divorce make her life easier??

OP very likely needs the DLA for other things too.

But they will also have more money coming in from her working. Its not necessarily about making a profit its about op sanity

If you’re both on - or would be on - minimum wage then many of the answers above that post are null and void now,

given the NMW update, your husband is frankly, horrible. Selfish and mean. Stop pretending to yourself he’s lovely. He’s not.

of course he can get a NMW part time job and you can too. It might even be better financially with taxes etc.

I would probably divorce, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was not helping whilst I was on my knees with exhaustion.

OP's husband is on a low income. I'm not talking about making a profit, I'm talking about the expense of a disabled child and paying for a nanny or childminder out of DLA may not be possible.

1. EOW the op will get a break
2. no resentment of knowing there’s two of you and only one is helping when he’s physically there (this is massive)
3. less housework without his stuff too
4. child maintenance plus benefits will possibly be more income than he’s bringing in

I have suggested I work evenings DH is massively against it.

how come he gets to decide and you don't have a choice? Is he the boss of your life?

Sorry you are having such a tough time- about your tribunal- has your child got legal representation for this and/ or do you have an independent support worker- sometimes the local authority will provide them, where I lived I think Bernardo’s provided them. They are very good.
I’m afraid you are going to have to wait it out til tribunal day and don’t be surprised if local authority agrees to your requests 5 minutes before

EOW/ maintenance is not wiring OPs gift to expect. Her DH could request 50:50 when no maintenance would be due. Conversely, her DH may refuse any custody of the children at all, and pay a few hundred a month maintenance which is useless.

its a big risk to go into divorce expecting this particularly as OP can’t support themselves financially.

Yes but he'd need a childminder who is experienced in his needs. It would also need to be a childminder without many other children (he is in mainstream but he's not in the Y1 classroom, he's in a class with 4: others who have SEN) and I don't know how practical that is.

Oh, and any childminders in your area working with sen children?
May also be a good idea to put in respite request so this can also be considered at the tribunal- if you do, as for WAY more than you need. Times change and if it is agreed then it is harder to be disallowed later and ask them to arrange it- don’t take financial offer as prices often up and you mayhave to apply for more funding

Sorry cross post about child minding - your local authority probably has a list of sen child minders

I think I saw the op wrote earlier that she has raised it and he said EOW

Sending a hug. A lot of Sen parents are in the same boat. My ds2 is in a specialist provision since September but I still feel forced to stay in my current job of a ta because it's one of the few jobs that can fit around him. Finding Sen childcare is ridiculous hard and one that many parents will not understand. I have dealt with my own frustrations at being asked if I would consider teaching but feeling unable to do so because of my Sen child.

I do manage to work though because my partner did ask and get different hours to allow him to also do school runs and make appointments so it's not just me. Your husband needs to realise you both have a child with needs and it's not just you who should be accommodating them.

In the meantime I would look to find any Sen parent support groups. I attend a parent/carer session on a Friday morning which is the one day I don't work and it's really helped knowing others are in the same boat.