To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

You sound like you want hubby to be miserable because you are, hopefully it’s all sorted soon and you’ll be able to work.

I totally get it..one of the hardest things about having kids with high needs was the never ending slog of grunt work. I had 2 with autism 1 with adhd and working was just another stress. I used to hop in and last about 18 months and have to quit.

I know it's not what you want to do but I would say look at jobs around your husband's hours just for now. Evening cleaning job for a few hours for eg (doesn't have to be that). He can take over when he gets in and you get a couple of hours just to be you. No need for childcare or anything like that for schools or sick kids. Because one of you is always there.

Get some of your own coin in your pocket.

Your OH is sounding more and more unreasonable with your updates

He doesn’t earn more than you so both of you working part time wouldn’t hurt financially - but he still won’t consider it

He won’t “let you” work evenings

Won’t help with housework once he’s off work because that’s “your job”

He would only have them EOW if you split

What an utter dinosaur. He needs to realise this is not the 1950s and it’s not fair to expect you to be the little woman stuck at home, especially as he isn’t even earning enough for you to get help in.

Sorry I don’t know what to suggest but I would be RAGING. And shame on the poster who suggested this is somehow your fault for having 3 kids. He had them too!

Could you work in the evenings doing say barwork so you spend time with adults or do something you can combine with your own kids such as offer after school care to other children whether regular or in an emergency basis? I appreciate this may not be what you want, so please ignore if it wouldn't work for you.

You need to focus on realistic achievable goals that relieve your frustration. Maybe yo could volunteer in a food bank for 3 hours. Or join a hymn or swimming pool.

Gym

I think from the sounds of it your bloke just isn't hearing you.

How about asking him what will happen when you crack, leave the kids with him and bugger off? I'd look him right in the eyes.

Who made your husband the boss of you?

Put your foot down and TELL him you are getting an evening job.

Could you work weekends or evenings?

Could you get a work from home job or an evenings or weekend job?

Three kids is a lot, especially when they're primary age before you even start factoring in extra needs. I’m not surprised you’re fed up of it I would be too, but also, it was your choice as a couple to have three kids so DH should be stepping up more.

DH won't take A/L so I can have a night off that's never going to happen. He's also not going to come home from work and help with housework. That's my job because I'm at home

Then he's a dick, sorry OP. It's not like you're sat on your arse all day long.

Life has never been fair. 🤷‍♀️

It concerns me that as well as having to cope with a child with additional needs, your DH is both unsupportive and seems to be controlling the narrative to keep you in financially vulnerable position.

Firstly, can you look at LA and charities to find out about respite care? Then maybe make an appointment at the Job Centre and see what they can do re supporting you with re/training and maybe helping you find something you could do from home just a few hours a week to keep your skills up.

Honestly I'd also consider getting legal advice about your financial position within the marriage and in the event of it ending.

I have not voted because YANBU to feel the way you do.

I would absolutely hate this life.
I am a single parent and have always worked FT, obviously out of necessity but actually because I have to work for my own MH.
I need to be something other than just a mum and unpaid maid.
So I completely understand your frustration.

However, YABU to want DH to get a different job.
I am assuming you will be a TA or something similar and their wages are crap and they have no job security.
You will take a massive hit financially.

What I would be doing it is taking up an evening course that will allow you to increase your earning potential.
If it’s only 1 or 2 nights a week, then DH can refuse overtime on those days.

I would also take up a hobby such as running or even a 30min walk - where you get out of the house and do something that’s just for you with no responsibilities.

I don’t think it’s fair or sensible to ask DH to change jobs right now but you have evenings and weekends where you might not be able to work but that doesn’t mean you can’t have hobbies or go and see friends etc.

This is what I don’t understand, if DH is only on NMW then he should be able to get a PT job on the same fairly easily especially as he has experience also. Issue is he doesn’t want to allow OP a better work life balance if it means reducing his own as he’d have to step up more for the kids.

That’s not the sign of a supportive caring partner. Just reinforces my opinion that a lot of men especially get married for no other reason than to be cared for by a woman, enjoy the fun parts of kids and a family life whilst carrying on with as before with their job and building up a pension pot also so if when kids are older, they do split he’s alright Jack in terms of his retirement.

So...what exactly does your DH provide apart from money?

Yes money is important but he wont take AL so you can have some time off, doesnt want you to work evenings, both of those presumably because he doesnt want to care for the kids himself. He doesnt seem to care about you or offer much support. Does he do anything for anyone other than himself?

I think a non negotiable such as one full day off a month for you, that is 24 full hours would be a good start. Not "on call", no "can you just help me with..." nothing.

Sounds like he has never had to look after the kids on his own, so its time he started. Marriage counselling would be a help to renegotiate the t&c's of your marriage.

Yes. Comes across the real issue is OP resents DH getting what she perceives is a rest at work whilst she covers DS & home front which she deems (and may well be right) is a much harder hand. Any suggestion other than they both have a more equal childcare and housework distribution is dismissed for this reason. Not easy as it is a disgrace how little real help there is for SEN parents/children.

Daft post. OP has a really hard brief just now. Anyone would objectively recognise it is challenging and unfair imho.

In full honesty, I cannot see how you are going to work full time with 3 children and one with very high needs

Because the cold hard truth that OP is only finding out now is he doesn't want to do the hard slog of dealing with his special needs child on his own. Plus the others. But expects OP to do so.

If it was me, first I would make sure the budget from my husband's salary is fair on me and the children, will keep having part time work and will focus my whole attention on developing my boy's skills at home, to help him with his future. I would never put only my desires first

i read such posts and suggestions, when clearly the man pays for everything...how he is going to make money to both pay for all his relatives and himself and still looks after 3 children

Please post on the SEN board op. Unfortunately there are so many that just will not understand what it's like to be in the situation.

I do not think you're unreasonable in the slightest to feel frustrated in what is a near on impossible situation.

I've spent years trying to figure out how to make my very similar situation better. I can only conclude a time machine with crystal ball so that I had worked for a good 20 years in a good career with a high salary that by the time I had my child with additional needs I could be in a flexible role with wfh. Then add in a magic wand for support and funding. Local authorities who didn't want to make it the hardest thing going to access any support too. I'd be able to afford and find a unicorn 1to1 sen trained nanny.

In reality there are very very few women who can manage to work full time or even part time when they have a child/children with additional needs. I have the most supportive partner who has tried to move heaven and earth to support me to work too. I still had to give up my job. Maybe with the right job it would of worked better but everytime we try new jobs/shifts/routine it's exhausting in a way I'm not sure others would understand. We still over and over face the same barriers.

I think you need to grieve the life you thought you were going to have or the opportunities that are just going to be harder to achieve. That's not to say they won't ever happen but they most likely will look different. It isn't fair. It really isn't. No one chooses this life. It's an incredibly difficult situation to change. A quick Google makes it seem like there is resources but realistically for many people in many areas there is zero practical help.

I think your partner is a big issue in this. Some counselling might help you both navigate more of a way forward where you are both on the same page. He really needs to appreciate you and be willing to change things. Only when you are making decisions together appreciating eachothers sacrifices in this, will there not be building resentment. It sounds like your partner needs a lot of things pointing out to him.

I wish I had some answers op I really do. I do think talking with others who get it will really help.

It takes a village but it is often always left up to the mother. It's tough. Vent away. 🌺