To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

It sounds like there are bigger issues with your DH and his behaviour and attitude towards you.

People always say "divorce/LTB and see how he manages with 50% share, but the reality is that most men do not take a 50% share, and there is no way to force them to. OP could also end up a lot worse off.

Not saying that it isn't an option, but to glibly say that the ex will suddenly do 50% of parenting when they haven't until now is unrealistic.

Also “threatening” divorce is really weird. Do it or don’t do it, no reasonable spouse would believe a “threat” and change accordingly. He’s your husband not some randoM at work.

But thats the OP's point. He wouldnt be making all of the money AND looking after the kids. There are several options. OP has suggested they both work PT, he said no. OP suggested working evenings, he said no.

I had an ex like this and it boiled down to him not wanting to have to be the only functioning adult in the building. I strongly suspect that this is the case here. They could easily share one FT (or actually more than FT) job between them, but he doesnt want to so the OP has to just put up with her situation as he wont allow her to change it.

It depends how desperate she is to work

Not sure if this has already been said but if you are in the UK he is legally entitled to a full time school place. I am a SENDCo in a mainstream school. Not sure on your local authority but you could be waiting up to two years for a specialist setting place to become available. I would be speaking to school and requesting those hours be increased and things are put in place to meet his needs

Does it? If she doesn't have the money, she doesn't have the money. DLA doesn't go very far because having a disabled child is expensive.

and again, childcare for a disabled child can also be very difficult to get and even more expensive than usual.

Of course its more difficult but not impossible. I don't think op should just accept it

It's impossible if you can't afford to pay for it. If the DLA is already spent up every month which is likely considering it's a one household income which is a low income, where is the money going to come from?

Your DP is the problem.

He hasn't put in a statutory request for part time work and won't.

You say its not financial abuse but it is because he refuses to "let" you get a job and earn your own money.

It suits him to have a skivvy and that's the problem. Working easier and he doesn't want to put himself out.

Out of interest how much time does he spend one to one with the kids? I bet you never get time out.

But she would be able to afford it with the extra income plus dla. Yes she may not financially benefit from working but she will get some of her life back. Ds is in school 3 1/2 hours a day so op may need another 3 hrs of childcare. So she could work 6 hours a day and pay for 3 hrs of childcare so even if she is paying the childminder/ babysitter/ nanny etc double her wage she would be able to afford it without using any dla and any of dh wage. Plus if she also does some weekend/ evening work

You really think she'll be earning enough to afford SEN childcare?

It sounds like her DH isn't very supportive at all and would refuse to watch their son whilst she does evening/weekend work. I think that's also part of the problem as well as affording SEN childcare.

How about using that time when he is in school to volunteer. You could offer regular hours and you would get to meet other adults, to spend meaningful time outside of the home and also build up experience for when he is full time and you are able to apply to paid work.

Volunteering would look great on a CV, give you something over and above other candidates and lots of places would also give you training which would up your skills. You could even offer your time at the placement that your ds already goes to so that you can give a full 3 hours without having to factor in travel. It's a great opportunity and I think would fill that need in you to do something other than housework and childcare.

But she would be able to afford it with the extra income plus dla.

That isn’t a given. At all. Many would not be able to. Childcare for DC with SEN can be extremely costly.

Plus, many can’t afford to use DLA for childcare. For many, disability related expenses cost far more than the DLA received before you add in childcare. If OP uses DLA for childcare, how do you suggest they afford the other disability related expenses?