To be annoyed at how unfair life seems

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

I expect I will get lots of people saying I'm being unreasonable and that's okay because I am but I need to vent.
DH and I have 3DCs (hence the username) and I would really love to go back to work, ideally in a school/nursery/preschool. Except I can't and I don't really enjoy being SAHM. DS has such severe needs that I can't work. He's at mainstream school and only does 31/2 hours a day. He can't manage anymore and needs a place in a special school.
Every time I see a preschool job come up I feel sad because if DS was full time the hours would be ideal but obviously I can't even apply for it because the hours don't match his timetable.
I think I'm feeling low tonight because DH is back to work Monday and gets to leave the house have an hour long lunch break and come home to tea being cooked and DS in the bath.
I don't really have any friends so I don't have anyone to talk to. My overriding anger is why am I the one who had to stay home? Why can't DH go part time (apparently they aren't letting anyone go part time at his work and I think this is true because they all seem to be full time) or get a job somewhere else? I used to at least have a bit of a break at work but now nothing breaks up the day. It's boring, cleaning, cooking, looking after DS, attending meetings at school or medical appointments. Literally feel I have no conversation at all m
I told DH before Christmas he needed to think about changing jobs so I could also work but he won't. He likes his job, it's easy, he's building his pension, he's not qualified for anything else. He says to me it's just for a while until DS is full time at school but I'm fed up with waiting.
Feels like DH actually doesn't give a shit about me and I wish I'd put my foot down about leaving work.
I guess my AIBU is AIBU to be pissed off about how unfair things seem? Is DH being unreasonable or is it me? Would your DH go part time if it was the only way you could go back to work?

This sounds really tough. If he doesn’t care what you want from life then threaten divorce and see how he manages thinking about sharing everything 50/50. The reality is if you stay isolated and miserable and aren’t supported by your DH to return to work, you won’t have much of a choice apart from divorce.

It sounds as if your DH hasn't even asked about part-time working because your current arrangement suits him. If you were both working could you pay for some childcare for your DS? You might not be any better off financially but you could be happier, building up a pension, working towards an even better job. Your DH needs to help find an arrangement that works for the whole family, his selfish attitude will just make you feel even more resentful. If you separate he is going to have to do lots more housework and childcare.

You could be writing about my life OP.

I don't wish to piss on your cornflakes but it can take a long time battling the LA for a specialist placement, and it can often be not very straightforward, with a lot of absence from school, not being in a named school at all, or specialist not being the right fit either.

Your children are a joint responsibility though, so your husband needs to step up here. Your life deserves fulfillment and purpose beyond the household and caring duties.

Just because nobody at his current place works part time, it doesn't mean he can't apply for flexible working.

There was a reform with the introduction of the Employment Rights Act 2025 that states employees can request flexible working from day 1, make 2 requests per year, a consultation is required before refusal, and the employee does NOT have to explain the impact to the business that their request will make.

Employers can only refuse if the request impacts one or more of these areas:

Burden of additional cost - with larger organisations this doesn't hold up quite so well as with small businesses
Inability to organise work among staff - again most employers have a contingency for prolonged absences or shift changes
Inability to recruit additional staff - same as the first point
Negative impact on quality, performance or customer demand - they'd have to explain why they'd come to this decision
Insufficient work at proposed times - this is usually for people requesting amended hours not reduced hours
And planned structural changes - unless he's expecting to go into a more senior role that requires full time presenteeism then this is not likely to be an issue.

If they fail in due process or do not explain their reasonings, or their reasonings are unsatisfactory he can take them to an employment tribunal with the application being made 3 months less 1 day from the incident.

Like many parent carers though, he needs to consider whether his job is compatible with his responsibilities too, and that includes to you as well as the children.

You also need to consider if he's remaining in this position as it gives him financial power and authority over you as that is financial abuse.

I'm not getting him fostered out, no way! He's still my baby and he's only 5.
Special school is what we've applied for but we're having to wait to go to tribunal because for some unknown reason our local LA don't engage in mediation.
I have actually said to DH in the past what would he do if we split up and I think he's still stuck in the 80s. He said well you still wouldn't be able to work because I'd only have the kids every other weekend. I told him he could actually have the kids 50%of the time. DH said but I'm working. Feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.
I don't want to split up with him because I do love him I just wish he'd be more supportive. No financial abuse, I have total access to our account.

This sounds so hard and I'm sorry you are struggling. Its tricky, everybody in the family matters, and you deserve to be happy too. It does benefit the family for him to have a secure and stable job and source of income, so it's understandable that he might not want to have to find something different that he likes less, but he needs to help find a way that you can also be able to work if that's what will make you happier. Are there any other options for you, different work or more part time options, or on his days off? Or other ways of getting out/joining a group or hobby so that you have something that's for you? Any other options for childcare? (Sounds like that will be hard in your position). I'm sorry I don't really know the answer but I hope you find something that works for you soon.

This does sound shit op

As you mentiom wanting to work in early years do you have training / qualfications for this? If not maybe you could start something now?

Do you have family support?
Could you hire help so you could have a break?
Has your child got a care plan? Could resources from this be used for the extra support at home?

Have you got a cleaner?

I kinda see your DH point here. Can you focus on your own career, perhaps self employment? Your local council, FE college or job centre may have training or development opportunities that are free for people in your position, you are certainly not alone. Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? Basically ask for help and be pushy about it. Any support groups for parents, sharing our childcare for kids with disabilities maybe?

Presumably DH is in a job that covers a household of 2 adults and 3 children. If he dropped hours to work around you working in childcare would that work out in terms of affordability? In the nicest possible way, jobs working in nurseries and even schools are usually minimum wage. You could look for a part time job in a school, depending on what it is you are actually looking for, doing lunch times. I also know other staff in schools that do half days. So presumably once your son is on the bus to his specialist school you could then work the morning/lunch and then be home for him being dropped back in the afternoon.
How old are your other children? Were you a stay at home home for them too?
Have you spoken to local groups for support too?

Can you afford it as a family , if he were to go part time/change jobs?

Sorry your situation is so tough. It must be exhausting. It sounds like you’ve got a plan once your DS is in full time education but until then it sounds like you need to find some ways that prioritise you and your needs.

Whilst you are waiting in a tribunal could you explore some other work options as per @EenameenadeekaCould you look at evening or weekend work ?
using some of the 3.5 hours to join a class or hobby/group where you might meet people so you get some stimulation outside of domestic and parenting duties.
Can your husband take over on a weekend so you have time for yourself ?
Can he prep some meals so there is stuff in the freezer and do some housework so it’s a more shared responsibility?

OP, this sounds really hard. I think the best thing for you is to focus on solutions for your son and make sure you husband is doing what he can to help with this. He needs to write to your MP/GP and champion the cause with you so you’re working together. That’s the best bet for you getting beck to work. Or, if you work is private an option? Do you recover carers allowance?

Is there any way that you could work in the evening or at weekends? Is this a possibility?

You are in a tough situation because the kind of work you want to do wouldn't make enough financial difference to your family to justify your DH cutting down hours.

As pp said, just getting the place in a special school may not be the solution as special schools often don't have wraparound care, holiday clubs may be an issue, and if transport's used, it's expected a parent will be home when the child's dropped off. There's also, of course, all the paperwork, appointments and so on. And unfortunately, given the hard line the government are currently taking, you will probably be spending lots of time challenging withdrawal of support and services. Or you may be offered a place in a mainstream school unit, whether or not that's what you want.

You know it's not allowed for the primary to force a part time timetable though, don't you? It counts as an illegal exclusion.

From your DH's point of view though, at the very least, he should be grateful you're taking this burden from him and he should be extremely hands on evenings and weekends.

You could do a day's work at the weekend to keep your hand in?

What ages are your other dc?

What would happen if DH went part time and you couldn't get a job or the job you got didnt work out? How would you pay the bills? Could DH go back to full time working under those circumstances? Would a low paid job in a school make up financially for DH losing half his salary?

Should you divorce and DH is working full time, he can refuse to have the children 50/50 as he works. Youd then have the children on your own for most of the time

Could DS go to a child minder type setting after his 3 and a half hours at school, or is this not feasible?

Edit: what happens if DS is in school full time? The school can't enforce part time schooling

Jobs such as those you are looking at are often super competitive - I know when I was looking when my DC were smaller, they all wanted at least voluntary experience. Could you use your time whilst DS is at school to volunteer in a school so that when he gets the place he needs, you’re all set to apply?

Just a practical tip - if you Google "local offer" and "your LA name" you might be able to find SEN support groups amd meet some other parents in a similar situation that way.

When DD was younger we were referred to Mencap in our area and one of the activities they mentioned was SEN football once a month on a Saturday. We didn't take it up but I had no idea before that such things existed.

I see his point, sorry. Your entire family benefit from his job stability, presumably good pay, and predictable working hours. You are probably dreaming of going to work part time and that involving ‘adult chats’ and coffee breaks, IRL work culture changes every year and is probably nothing like it was last time you were in it - our workplace is very busy, quite stressed out and people have little time to chat. Throw in that you may well get ‘please collect your child’ calls from school, or sick kids, and overall the whole ‘part time working’ thing would be far less enjoyable that you think.

I’m not sure your husband dropping down to part time would help. Even with you working part time as well there is likely to be a drop in total income, adding financial stress onto on top of an already stressful situation. That’s if you managed to dovetail your jobs completely.

What you need is time and a supportive partner. You said he comes home to tea coming - well knock that one on the head and get him to start doing the evening meal.

Do you have any hobbies that get you out of the house- preferably twice a week. One in the evening and one at the weekend. Just getting that time away makes a massive difference.

Looking after yourself is a priority - you can’t pour from an empty cup etc.

What happens on the weekends?

Thing is though, he’s paying the mortgage and bills right? In my house at least that’s thousands a month. Have you thought practically about how you will do that with a minimum wage pre school job?!

I do totally understand your frustration but you would struggle to support your family alone and you don’t seem to mention money like you think it’s nothing?

The job market is terrible at the moment and presumably your DH earns fairly well to be able to support a family of 5 on one salary.

In higher paying jobs it can be very very tricky to negotiate part time hours. It can be difficult enough to work your set hours.

I'm not sure working in a school will give you the break you need. Can you do something you enjoy whilst your ds is at school for.3.5 hrs. Do that a couple of times a week so you feel like you life isn't total.drudgery even if it going to a gym or an exercise class, sething for you.

There was another thread recently by a mum of 3 married to a doctor complaining about not being able to work. It should be obvious that the joint decision to have three children means someone will have to sit on the back burner for a long time. There is also never a guarantee that each child will be perfectly NT, high functioning and independent. So taking that gamble three times means a higher chance of life turning out differently than expected.

Realistically, it seems like a massive amount of stress to juggle three kids and working in a pre-school environment where you cannot suddenly drop everything to pick up a child in case of emergencies. Even if DS got into a specialist school, it would involve getting three children to two different schools in the morning and getting to work on time. Same for pick-ups. And it doesn't even include all the school related things like performances, appointments and emergencies that might happen during daytime hours. A specialist school isn't a magic bullet either...there are still hundreds of things that could go wrong which need additional parental time & support.