My nanny got cosmetic surgery and can’t work

[Crispychillifriedbeef]

We live overseas and we have a full time nanny. She also does cleaning, laundry, cooking etc. This is normal for the culture here. Everyone has a housekeeper / nanny / driver. We pay her well and she’s part of the family, she’s been with us 18 months with no problems.

My husband works full time and I’m a writer and a part time student. We have a small child at school and a two year old who is at home but attends an educational setting part time. My husband and I go to lots of events so need evening cover.

Anyway, we have been in our home country for 3 weeks over Christmas and the nanny has had 3 weeks paid leave. She sends me a WhatsApp today saying “I’ve had cosmetic surgery done” with various photos. She is expecting to be off work for 3-4 weeks. We come back to the country tomorrow so we’re expecting to see her tomorrow.

AIBU to be annoyed? This was sprung on me at the last minute.

Presumably she has had appointments with doctors to discuss this procedure and then had to book it in, so she knew in advance she would be unable to work, and so could have given you notice to make alternative arrangements. It isn't at all like breaking an ankle which is typically unplanned.

I reckon she knew you wouldn't agree and decided that seeking forgiveness rather than permission was the best way to achieve what she wanted. It's up to you to decide whether she is a good enough nanny to let her get away with it or not. In these circumstances I think you would be justified to get a replacement, but it may still take 3-4 weeks before you could find someone and them start, so you will still have to cope in the interim. The question is whether you can get over this and trust her in future or do you think the trust you had in her is gone?

I'd be worried that if you pay her it will set a precedent for her having further surgeries on your time. I'd refuse to pay her, and tell her it's unpaid as it's so short notice this time.

It’s not uncommon in the U.K. either. If you search any domestic recruitment agency you will see many adverts for nanny-housekeepers which encompass multiple roles. If the employee has willingly consented to the role, why not?

I don’t know why people find it so hard to understand there are jobs other than nanny’s which do involve this wider role. In the area of london live in, it’s common here too. They’re well paid and know what they’re signing up to.

A slave 😂please! I have a housekeeper who also is a nanny for my children in the UK! It’s a job which shes taken and does amazingly. People like you will probably lose their shit for that because youve never had that option so don't know how it works so you’re bitter. She’s not looking after the kids whilst ironing and cleaning etc. she comes in the morning, tidies up for an hour, then looks after the children for couple of hours then sorts out laundry, ironing when I take over the children. Just what I do on days she’s not working. Getting paid £20ph for that - how is that a slavery? We also use her on occasional evenings when me and DP want an evening out. She lets me know about her holidays or medical procedures well in advance because she’s professional and respectful.
OP going forward I wouldn’t pay for her unplanned time off and I’d give her a warning. Depending how she responds to it I’d decide whether to keep her. It’s hard to find a good nanny and obviously she already must have a good relationship with your children but unfortunately this might damage the relationship so maybe better to look for someone else.

Op can't even tell posters what country shes living in because it's controversial. If she was hiring a nanny in London she can look online and find a nanny agency. She can't do that she has to rely on the local people.

Op I don't want you to think too deeply about what I'm about to ask, it is merely curiosity and I am not implying anything at all. The thought wouldn't cross my mind.

What did your husband think of her procedure?

If she's foreign office staff of course they don't pay for their housing, thats how postings work.

I was an expat for years, housing, driver, allowances for personal expenses, staff, international schooling were all part of the package, plus two round trips home a year, all as standard.

Irrespective of where the OP is or the job spec, short notice unavailability like this for planned surgery is completely unacceptable.

Why are people saying the nanny is treated like a slave? The oldest child is in school and the youngest goes part time to nursery. What’s wrong with the nanny being paid to clean and do laundry in those hours?

I'd pay her wages for the sick leave she has left. Seek proper advice (do optional surgeries count?) and make sure she is paid at least for the minimum required time and any severence pay. Give her notice.
I don't think the Nanny should be rewarded with continued employment for not telling you of the surgery ahead of time.

Use her cousin for the mornings until you have found another employee to replace your Nanny/housekeeper.

That is annoying. First issue is next 3 weeks. Which parts of your writing/part time study can be moved to evening while dh looks after dc and what time off can he request to cover some. Its unfortunate not to go to diplomatic events, but i am sure for 3 weeks will be fine sounds like a nice to do but non essential.

Second issue is process for nanny if she requires cosmetic surgery in future, how would you like it to work so that it is more managable going forward.

nonsense, what do you think sahps do? they look after the kids full time and all the associated domestic work. her Nanny is doing that but limited hours and with holidays!

Really...?! Sigh...Poor you...here's a thought ...look after your own kids yourselves ! Honestly ,1st world problems...! Jeez !!!

This! When my DCs were little, we had a nanny who did all the cooking, cleaning & laundry for the DCs. Admittedly, she didn’t do this for us adults, but it’s not a stretch that if it’s part of the culture in the country you’re living, that she would have done.

Op, obviously follow the employment laws of the country you’re operating in, but I’d get rid (or be as harsh as possible to ensure she doesn’t do it again, if sacking isn’t an option).

We can't advise you here, you need to ask somewhere locally. In the same way that you state the employment is cultually normal and expected where you live, so might be taking time off for plastic surgery, passing your duties onto others, receiving sick pay for doing so. I must say that if your DH has a big imporant job, I'm sure he will manage without you babysitting him at social events for a couple of weeks.

I think she’s a very cheeky lady. To get non essential eye surgery the day before due back at work

knowing means she would need time off

it’s not sick so I wouldn’t bepaying her and she can have ssp or whatever your country gives

if you have to go to functions I’m sure you could find a babysitter for the evenings or she could come

not sure why needs 3/4w off. She may be a bit bruised (scary for kids) but no reason why she can’t work tbh

esp after having 3w off paid

Perhaps posters have not lived/worked abroad. It’s a different mindset and different circumstances. One expat friend living in Kenya was doing all her own housework but this was seen as ‘mean’ by the Kenyans as it was depriving the women of earning an income. Of course the local salaries were much lower than it would be in the uk so affordable on an expat salary (paid in pounds) to hire help (paid in Kenyan dollars). This is a common pattern. Similar to prewar UK where many households have some salaried help one way or another. Now it’s only the super rich here that can afford nanny’s, drivers, cooks etc.

Wow so many things to add to the interview now than in the past.

I think she planned poorly and that reflects poorly on whether or not she can adequately care for your children.

This is a crappy situation in which you find yourselves, but you may have had a lucky break.
Poor planning can cause a number of issues when you’re looking after small children.

I wish you the best in finding someone responsible and loving to care for your children in the weeks ahead.
Sending love from afar. ❤️

edited out the poor grammar

Your children might appreciate some time with their parents. Genuinely why have children to rely on someone else to care for them to this extent? Boggles the mind. Evenings out so frequent that you cannot cope for 3-4 weeks is going to result in messed up adults once your kids are grown. Someone needs to tell you this to your face but they won’t.

@ Pavementworrier -
Your comments are frankly demented. If the OP’s husband works for the FCDO and is therefore a public servant and is paid accordingly, how is someone in their position wrong for choosing how to spend their money, any more than anyone else who works for the civil service, or as a politician, or a teacher, or a street sweeper, or any other job in the public domain? Do you begrudge teachers Lurpak because it’s a bit expensive? According to you, should anyone who works in the public sector in any capacity be obliged to submit their household expenses to public scrutiny so we can all discuss whether or not they’re being profligate? If the OP’s husband works lives abroad in a society where it’s expected that locals are employed in various capacities, surely she is helping the local economy? When my DD lived and worked in Kuwait, she was told it was expected that she would employ a cleaner, because such jobs were relied on.

OP, as far as your Nanny’s expecting three to four weeks off after an operation she had on Thursday, she is being very unreasonable. You need to decide how much she’s worth to you in terms of relationship with your children, and general helpfulness, and whether you could compromise on, say, a week off. I agree with you it’s very poor that she has left you high and dry with only a couple of days’ notice.

That is very very annoying - of course no one should give one day notice of elective surgery requiring 3 to 4 weeks of leave! Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Your DH will need to do his functions and any regional travel alone for 3 weeks - I’m sure ‘we are currently without a Nanny’ is an explanation that colleagues/ overseas officials will sympathise with. I’m sure diplomatic spouses also get sick too at times and cant attend functions or travel. It’s no different

You’re saying cosmetic surgery and a broken ankle are the same???

she CHOSE to have cosmetic surgery. You rarely CHOOSE a broken ankle.

She had it done only the day before they were due to fly back….

This is a bonkers assumption. OP says the person does housework in the morning and childcare in the afternoon.

Anyway, yes, the Nanny was BU. She booked elective cosmetic surgery right before she was due to return to work after 3 weeks of paid annual leave.

Although the OP is BU for saying the nanny is part of the family. The nanny is an employee and everyone involved should behave as such.

In the short term, OP's dh may have to go to some diplomatic events by themselves.
It may not be ideal but there doesn't seem to be another option until nanny either returns to work or a replacement nanny is found.

This has got to be a rage bait post. Imagine complaining that your nanny/cook/cleaner/domestic slave dared to do something to her body without your permission.

And imagine thinking that "my husband and i have a lot of important evening events to attend" is a reason for having your tiny kids be brought up by someone else. Why even have children if you don't want to spend time with them?